Among the Strong
Dec. 19th, 2024 05:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladydeathfaerie posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
marysuevirusTitle: Among the Strong
Chapter Thirty Eight: When or Then
Fandom: the Marvel universe
Rating: 18 and up
Warnings: graphic violence, language, sex, dark themes, anything else i can toss in.
Disclaimer: the recognizable characters and places contained herein are the property of Marvel. i'm merely borrowing for the sake of entertainment. no money is being made from this venture. Haley belongs todazzledfirestar Morgan belongs toginevra Roxxy belongs tonanaeanaven Jehnna belongs to silverfox_chan and Dare belongs to me. the concept and title of The Mary Sue Virus are used with permission from dazzledfirestar .
Author's Notes: this is almost entirely Daz's fault. okay. so it really isn't. its actually almost 100% my fault. Daz just did a whole lot of encouraging. this fic is going to be kind of dark, so please keep that in mind while reading.
Among the Strong - the index
It was the singing the pulled her from the depths of sleep. Sleep she wanted desperately to drift back into. Gods, she was so tired. It felt like she could sleep for a year and it wouldn't be enough. And she might have stayed lost to the depths of sleep, cradled gently by a cloud-soft mattress as she was, but words she didn't understand sung in a voice she well recognized had drawn her away from the darkness and toward the light. Kept drawing her away from the bliss of slumber.
She knew the song he was singing. At least, she recognized the rhythm of the tune. He'd sung it to the bump a lot before they'd returned to reality. For a few short moments, she thought that maybe the return to reality had been nothing more than a dream. That they were still stuck in that other place. But the dull ache low on her belly told her she hadn't dreamed coming home. That realization saw a slew of memories tumbling wildly, in a headache inducing whirl, into her brain. She found herself reliving, rather reluctantly, the past week of her life.
Her behavior and how she'd treated those closest to her left her feeling ashamed of herself. Left her hating herself. Just a little more. If such a thing was even possible anymore.
A tiny sound pulled her from her thoughts. It sounded like a tiny coo. A second later, the singing faded away. "Now, now, little one. You need to be quiet. You mama sleepin' an' she need her rest. Givin' birth to you hard on her and she tired." Remy's voice was soft and gentle and filled with tender affection. It was almost enough to make her smile. But the smile didn't come, lost to the heavy press of his mind against hers. Almost as if he was doing what he could to make it impossible for her to keep him out like she had before. If she was being honest with herself, she was pretty sure she didn't have the energy to attempt such a thing again. Hell, she wasn't sure she had the energy to do something as simple as open her eyes.
Maybe she could just lie there and soak in the sound of his voice. Pretend that this was a normal morning in their lives and that she hadn't damn near succeeded in killing herself not that long ago. Maybe she could daydream for a while that things weren't supremely fucked up.
"I know you awake, Dare. Open you eyes and look at me," Remy said. Some of the softness and gentleness he'd used with their daughter was gone, replaced with what she thought might be tension. Possibly anxiety. The daydream shattered, leaving her with a yawning pit of darkness spreading through her belly and an ache in her heart.
She couldn't face him. Not now. Not after the horrible way she'd acted. Not after the way she'd treated him. Despite the way she felt, she needed to face him. Needed to apologize to him for being so stupid about... well, everything. But the words didn't want to come. Because she was afraid. Afraid that it wouldn't be enough. That it would be too late. She was afraid that Logan was right and everyone would walk away from her. She knew, if that happened, she'd never recover from it.
The fear took advantage of her apprehension. It grew and expanded. It swallowed everything up. It ate the ability to think. To move. To speak. All she could do was lie still on the bed and hope beyond hope he would fall for the trick and think she'd gone back to sleep. And hope some more that she didn't completely fucking ruin things between them.
"Dare." He took her hand this time, the feel of his palm against hers leaving her flooded with confusion. Because his touch was gentle. Almost tender. Caring. But his voice suggested he wasn't happy. "Come on, Dare. Open you eyes and look at me."
It almost felt like there was compulsion there because she wanted so very badly to do as he said. But the stubborn part of her brain, the absolutely stupid part of it, refused to listen. It kept her eyes closed as it whispered terrible things to her. Terrible things that she couldn't sort between truth and lies.
The silence built between them while he waited for her to respond to him. While she waited for him to give up. It was a painful silence, closing in on her and suffocating her until she wanted to gasp for breath. It honestly felt like she was drowning and she couldn't be certain if that was a real sensation or an imagined one. Either way, her chest hurt and it felt like her lungs wouldn't expand far enough to allow her to pull in enough air.
Moments ticked by, spooling wasted time between them out as they did so, until she finally heard Remy sigh. It was a heavy sigh, one full of impatience, disbelief, and disgust. There was a rustle of cloth that said he'd shifted positions. The soft slap of feet against the floor marked his direction and she realized, with a healthy dose of fresh fear, that he was heading toward the door. Logan's words came back to her, his voice echoing almost menacingly in her head. "You'll be all alone."
This was it. She'd pushed too much. Too far. And now Remy was going to leave her. He was going to walk away and never come back. It would be what she deserved if he did. She'd locked him out, called him a liar to his face, refused to talk to him. She'd pushed and pushed and pushed and now he was going to leave her. The pain was too much. Her chest was so tight, it felt like she was dying inch by slow inch. The tears she hated so much came again, slipping between closed eyelids to roll down her cheeks. She was about to lose everything.
"Remy... " she began, her voice rough and hoarse and thick with pain and loss and tears. She pried her eyes open, letting her gaze fall on his retreating back. his arms were up, telling her he carried their daughter with him and the panic and fear pierced her anew. He wasn't just walking away, he was taking their child with him. He'd leave and he'd take her daughter and she'd never see either one of them again. "Can I see the baby before you take her away? Please let me hold her before you go. Just once. "
He turned to face her well before she finished speaking. A tiny bundle, wrapped in a blanket decorated with unicorns and rainbows, was cradled in his arms. She saw that bundle first, and her heart broke in pieces. She hadn't even seen her daughter yet. Would he let her before he walked away from her for good?
"Dare." The way he said her name, as if it was some kind of offering or prayer, saw her gaze lifting to his face. She saw disbelief there. And confusion. "Why you t'ink I'm gon' take de baby away?" he asked, curiosity laced into every word.
"Because I shut you out. I tried to push you away and Logan said I'd get what I wanted if I kept doing that and I don't want to push anyone away." The last of her words were garbled nonsense. She was crying so hard that she was sure she'd have a headache before long. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean..."
"Dare," Remy said and sighed. It was a long, drawn out sound. And then he was suddenly standing beside the bed, the expression on his face hard to read. She watched as he settled carefully on the edge of the mattress, one arm shifting away from the tiny life he held in order to reach out with his free hand and touch her face. To wipe at the tears that slid down her cheeks. "I'm not gon' leave you. I'm not gon' take de baby, our baby, away from you. Dat not what goin' on here."
She blinked up at him, confused. "But you're anxious and tense."
Remy sighed again, reaching up to almost angrily rake the length of his hair back from his face. It had grown long while they'd been gone and he had yet to trim it. "Because I'm t'inkin' you gon' shut me out again." His voice was flat, but that didn't stop her from feeling the worry and sadness his statement brought with it. "We need to talk, Dare. We need to talk since we come back. But you don' wanna hear any of de words I say. Even worse, you don' believe any of de words I say. And now you filled wit' fear. It make me t'ink you don' want me touchin' you. Dat you afraid of me."
It was the sorrow in his voice that brought shame screaming to life within her chest. It vied for the top spot with every other thing she felt until she worried about the headache she was definitely going to have once this whole mess was done. She'd never meant to make him feel that way. Because she knew, without having him say it, that he thought she was afraid of him for the things that had happened while they'd been Sinister's captives. Things that had been well beyond his control. She might be totally fucked in the head, but she knew without question that none of what had happened was his fault.
"I'm sorry," she told him, voice once more watery. The goddamned tears were flowing again. She couldn't seem to stop crying and she hated it, thought it was some kind of weakness on her part. "I'm sorry, Remy. I didn't realize what I was doing. I know it isn't enough and I know I hurt you so much. I know its no excuse. But its true. I'm sorry. I'm so... sorry. I... I think there's something wrong with me. I think I'm broken."
She wanted to roll away from him. The last thing she wanted was for him to see her cry. She was so tired of crying. She was pretty sure she'd bawled the entire time she'd talked to Logan. The memories were hard to grasp, fuzzy and soft at the edges due to exhaustion and drugs. But she thought she remembered the crying part correctly. She tried to roll onto her side, but her limbs didn't want to obey her brain's commands. Her whole body was like some giant limp noodle. The only option that left her with was closing her eyes. It was tempting. But he'd still see the tears.
"You not broken, Dare," Remy assured her, one hand again reaching out to stroke the curve of her cheek. She thought he was being kind and opened her mouth to refute his statement. But the look he sent her, one filled with conviction, saw the words remaining behind her teeth. They were a heavy, bitter taste on her tongue. "You not broken, Dare. You traumatized. So many bad t'ings happen. An' you don't deal wit' dem."
His words were blunt while his voice was filled with compassion and understanding. It made her want to cry again. She tamped down on the desire viciously, determined to keep her tears to herself. Instead, she considered his words and what they meant. Not that it was difficult to figure it out. Figuring out the meaning of his statement was easy. It was everything else that she had problems with. "I don't know how," she admitted.
"Dis why you need you family around you. We gon' help you, petit. You just got to let us," he replied. Seriousness still clung to his words, but his voice was lighter. And he offered her a faint smile. "You got to trust us to help you. Me an' Logan. Morgan an' Haley. Everybody gon' help you. You just need to let us."
Dare was skeptical. That sounded too easy. Especially after the way she'd behaved toward everyone. "You're sure about that? You're sure they're all going to want to help me after what I did?After the way I acted, I'm surprised anyone is still talking to me."
Remy sighed softly, a sure sign that he knew it wasn't going to be easy. But he offered her a gentle smile while his free hand once more stroked the curve of her cheek. "You gon' have to apologize to everyone. An' you gon' have to mean it."
"I know," she nodded. She'd been terrible to everyone she called family. She didn't think she could begin to apologize enough for her actions. It would probably take the rest of her life to do so.
"You scare de life out of me, Dare," he said softly. She still heard the pain in his voice. The fear. The worry. All of it was there, clinging to his words like ash and smoke after a fire. "You almost die. You almost leave me. And you almost take de baby wit' you."
She knew she should apologize for that. But what good would the words do? Nothing could take back the things she'd done. The things she'd said. And she'd already apologized so much to him for being an idiot. She felt like another apology would be hollow. And yet... "I know. I'm sorry for that, too. I'm sorry for fucking everything up. I'm sorry for being stupid and for hurting you. I'm just... sorry."
The end of her newest apology saw her gaze shifting so that she could stare at the wall to her left. The wall not behind him. She heard him sigh, a deep thing that spoke to a lot of built up emotions. She could well imagine. Her memories of the past week were clear and she saw again in her mind's eye what she'd done to the people she called family. It was a miracle none of them had given up on her already.
"Dare. Look at me." His voice was soft, but that didn't prevent her from hearing the sadness and pain that lingered in it. And she felt those emotions when one of his hands covered hers. Readying herself for whatever it was he was going to say, she shifted her attention back to his face. And almost cried again when she saw the pain in his eyes. It ran deep, telling her without needing to ask that she'd left scars on his heart. "You shut us all out. We you family. We love you. And you shut us out. How you t'ink dat make us feel? How you t'ink it make me feel?"
She swallowed the urge to apologize again. This wasn't the time. And she suspected that those two words weren't enough to start repairing the damage she'd done. She was going to have to show him that she meant what she said. She was going to have to work to fix the rifts she'd created in her relationships. With everyone. "I know it hurt. I hurt you by being so stubborn and stupid and blind."
"You did." Two words. But those two words were filled with weight. With emotions. With the pain he felt. Pain that she'd intentionally made him feel because she'd been scared. Scared of the truth. Scared of her own feelings. Because she'd been a selfish bitch. The tears were there again, ready to spill over with another word. She merely blinked in an effort to push them away and waited for him to go on. There was more that he had to say. She could feel it bubbling under the surface of his calm.
The silence fell again, thick and heavy with the growing tension in the room. She watched him quietly, saw the internal debate he was having with himself in the expressions on his face. The urge to reach out and settle a hand on his knee rose within her. She wasn't sure he would welcome it, though. And she couldn't manage it anyway because she didn't have the energy. Finally, his expression became one of resolve and he focused his attention entirely on her. She waited, wondering if her emotions and her soul would be raw after this talk. "You answer me somet'ing, Dare. You believe Logan when he tell you he love you?"
For a moment, just a moment, she wondered at his question. But he had his reasons and she owed him the truth. She owed him more than just that, but honesty was the place to start. "Yes."
The expression he wore became a little stiffer. A little more closed off. Her heart ached to see it. Worse, she felt the way his pain increased, just a little, though their link. "And Morgan. You believe her?"
That question made her swallow hard. But she gave a slight nod. "Yes."
She swore he grit his teeth. His gaze left her face and slid to the baby he held. And it stayed there. He stared down at the child they'd created for so long that she thought he wasn't going to say anything more. She was taken again by the urge to reach out and touch him. She was afraid, if she didn't, that she'd lose him. He turned and looked at her again, and there was something dark lingering in his gaze. "But you don' believe me when I say I love you. Maybe you don' love me after all."
His words were hard, a carefully formed blade meant to pierce her heart. And it did its job. It did it so well that she thought her heart was shattering in her chest. She swallowed hard and forced herself to give him the truth. "Because you're Morgan's great love. And she's yours," Dare replied softly. She didn't keep the tears or her own pain from her voice.
"Dat bullshit, Dare!" he snarled in return.
"Is it, Remy?" she asked him. "I told you already that I knew that you didn't love me. The night of the threesome. I figured it out then. Simple, stupid Dare knew back then that you only went out with her because you wanted to put Rogue's nose out of joint. You were mad and you needed to find a way to relax. And to get back at her. You didn't pick me because you thought I was beautiful or because you had emotions for me. You picked me because I was convenient. And I was star-struck. Everybody in the school wanted a chance to go out with you. And you picked me. No one else would look at me or wanted to be near me. But you... You did what I only dreamed of and you picked me."
She kept her voice soft and steady. Kept emotion out of it. Made it a weapon of fact. And she watched his face as she spoke, saw the truth in his eyes before he could hide it. It figured. Her heart always did like to reach above its station. "I was ... awed and honored and amazed that you picked me. I know now that it only happened because I was the first person you crossed paths with. Back then, though, it was a dream come true. And I was blind to the truth. But then I proposed that stupid threesome. I figured it out when I woke up. Morgan was head over heels for you. And you already wanted her. I was just a third wheel. I was in the way. I didn't handle things the right way. I should have talked to you. But I was off balance. And I was stupid. So I cut out and let you both have what you wanted."
"Dare..."
She struggled to sit up. She couldn't have this conversation while she was flat on her back. But her energy stores were still depleted and she could barely move. And, of course, Remy was there to help her sit up in the blink of an eye. He handled her like she was something breakable and precious, one hand doing the work while he held their daughter in the other. It made her heart ache all over again. And when she was sitting, she let him see what she felt. Let her emotions crowd into her eyes and settle on her face. "You and Morgan were... I love you both. But the love you had for her, that you have for her -- "
"Stop, Dare," he interrupted, his voice hard and inflexible. Even the look on his face was filled with stubbornness. "I don' wan' hear how I love Morgan more dan I love you. I don' wan' hear dat I don' love you. I don' wan' hear how you don' deserve me. You deserve de world. You deserve all you want and more. Why you t'ink you don't deserve me? What make you t'ink dat?"
"Because I don't," she replied. There was nothing in her voice to give away any feelings. Nothing but belief. "You're beautiful. And I'm not."
He frowned at that, staring at her as if he'd never seen her before. She stared back in return, waited for him to loudly exclaim that he thought her to be pretty and that she was wrong. For several moments, she waited. And then he fully surprised her by suddenly transferring the bundle of baby he held into her arms. He was careful about it, making sure that the wee one rested on her belly just below her breasts. He then ensured that her arms were cradled under the tiny tot. And he shifted his position so that he sat on the bed next to her, one arm slipped behind her back and the headboard so that it rested casually along her shoulders, the hand at the end curled around her arm. The other arm was across her belly, under her own arms so that the baby was safely cradled by them both. "Look at our daughter," he prompted gently.
Dare stared at him, confused by his actions. He only offered her a smile and tipped his head toward the infant in her arms. It was a silent order to do as he'd said. So she shifted her attention to the baby in her arms and felt her chest fill with warmth. It was the same warmth she'd felt when Dee was born. And then Liam. Cam and Ken. And finally Jessalyn. It was love and it was pride and it was joy and it was so much more. All blossoming in her chest with the force of a nuclear bomb going off.
Their child was perfect. A few strands of dark hair clung to her head. Delicate eyebrows arched over eyes that were open, staring up at her with silent consideration. Eyes that were red on black. Eyes that marked the identity of her father to one and all. She had Dare's nose, and a cupid bow mouth that was pursed and pink. Pale cheeks that were chubby and ideal for pinching just the tiniest bit. Or upon which to rain down dozens and dozens of tiny kisses. Their baby was amazing and perfect and, like her father, stole her heart right from her chest without even trying. "She's beautiful," Dare breathed, everything she felt bunched into those two words.
"Just like her mama," Remy responded immediately. The certainty in his words saw Dare lifting her eyes to his face. He wasn't looking at the baby. He was looking at her, the expression he wore an odd mix of soft love and hard certainty.
"Remy -- " she began. But he gave her a stern look that saw the words drying up in her throat.
"She is beautiful. Just like her mama, Dare," he repeated sternly. "You beautiful. I don' know who tell you different, but dey lie to you. You beautiful. You always been beautiful. An' I love you. Not because of de pheromones. Not because of the captivity. Because of you. Because you beautiful, inside an' out. You beautiful an' I love you and you deserve all you want an' more."
She opened her mouth to argue once more, but the words never made it past her teeth. Because Remy was quick and he darted in. Took her mouth in a heated kiss that curled her toes for her. The kiss came complete with his tongue. It slid in past her lips and made a show of sliding against hers. It teased and tempted and tasted, bringing life to a few embers of desire that she'd never been able to put out completely. And when he pulled back, it was because they both needed air. There was tenderness in his gaze. And love. The smile he gave her left her breathless all over again.
"I love you, petit. I love you so much, it make my chest hurt. I was afraid you gon' die. I was afraid I never again get to see de soft look in you eyes when we make love. I was afraid I was gon' lose you an' de baby. Not gon' let you go again, Dare. You stuck wit' me."
There was honesty in his words. She felt it in each one he spoke, entwined so tightly that she didn't think there was any way to pull them apart. And it was there in his eyes, in the way he stared at her like she was the most amazing thing ever. Also, there was love. It was deep and rich and thick, like the finest chocolate in the world. Sweet and filling yet leaving her eager, even hungry, for more.
Part of her filled with joy at the look her gave her. Part of her filled with sorrow because she felt like she was betraying Logan. And Morgan. She found her gaze returning to their daughter, her eyes burning with the need to cry and her chest tight with emotion. His hand stroked her arm tenderly, a gentle reminder that he was there. That he wasn't going to leave her. That they would find answers and solutions. Together.
"What we gon' name our baby?" he asked softly, his voice right there in her ear. It was filled with the same awe she felt. It served to anchor her in the here and now, pulling her away from the building spiral of doom and fear.
"What do you think of Petra?" she asked him, the answer coming without any thought. She'd never admit it, but she'd secretly harbored the hope that they'd bring their baby home with them. And she'd considered names during their captivity. In the quiet of the night, when she'd been unable to sleep.
"I t'ink it perfect. Just like her," he replied, then pressed a kiss to Dare's cheek. "Just like her mama."
His words made her head spin. The honesty in them and the sincerity behind them made her head spin. She found herself believing them. And, for the first time in a while, she decided that believing was a good thing.
~*~
"This hurts my brain, Aunt Roxxy," Dee said. It was a complaint, but it wasn't a whining complaint that many kids her age would make. Roxxy hid a smile, knowing instinctively that the girl would take offense to it, and patted her arm gently.
"I know, Dee. But you have to learn how to keep yourself apart from your visions. I cannot tell you how important it is," Roxxy replied steadily.
"But why is it that important?" Dee asked, grey eyes large and housing just a little bit of confusion.
"Because there will come a day that your visions will be about someone close to you. Someone you care very much about. And you're going to need to hold on to rational thought so that you can interpret and not act rashly," Roxxy explained. She was sure Dee knew this on some level, but she was still new to her powers and there hadn't been much that was terribly overwhelming. Except that one time... Roxxy drew a breath and let it out, then asked a question she was sure would not be welcomed. "Do you remember how you felt when you saw Sinister choking your mother?"
The girl's eyes got wider and Roxxy saw the shadows that passed through them like clouds drifting across the sun. That was followed by a shudder. "I was scared and kind of freaked out."
"You were very scared and freaked out.That's why I reached out to you. What do you think would have happened if I hadn't fallen into your vision with you?"
Dee took a few moments to consider the answer to that question. It was a minute or more before she finally spoke, her voice low and soft. "Uncle Henry was pretty sure I would have hurt myself. He said he thought I was going to have a seizure before I started to calm down."
"Exactly. You went rigid when the vision came to you. I was afraid you would fall out of the chair and hurt yourself. You could have had a seizure. Or you could have broken bones. There's no telling what would have happened to you if you hadn't come out of your vision when you did. That is why it is so important for you to anchor yourself to the real world. To keep something like that from happening."
"Its hard to tell what it and isn't real," Dee responded. Roxxy understood that. She could clearly remember what it had been like when she'd started having her visions. She'd been scared by them and hadn't really known what was going on. It had taken her some time to figure out how to keep herself firmly rooted in the real world while also caught up in the world created by her visions.
"It won't always be like that, Dee. Especially once you learn how to anchor yourself. Which is why we're starting now and not later. You've only just started coming into your powers. You really need to be anchored before you have them in full," Roxxy assured her.
"How do you anchor yourself, Aunt Roxxy?" The question wasn't unexpected. Roxxy suspected Dee understood in theory what anchoring was. She just didn't know how to put it into practice.
"Well," Roxxy said and drew a breath. She hadn't thought about it in a long time, so it was going to take her a little bit to find the answer that would help Dee best. "I use mediation to connect myself to the land and all life around me."
Dee stared at her a moment, her mouth hitched up at one corner as she fell into thought. Then some of the shadows in her eyes faded and there was the light of knowing in them. "Mum does that. She calls it grounding."
Learning that Dare used meditative actions to keep herself grounded and anchored came as something of a surprise to Roxxy. It shouldn't have, though. The other woman had been through far more than her fair share of bad things and keeping herself grounded or anchored probably kept her from falling off the edge of a very tall cliff. It also probably helped keep her from barbequeing the whole world with a thought. "Grounding, or anchoring, is good because it keeps you rooted in reality. It helps keep you in the here and now, even when your mind is pulled into the when or then."
Dee stared a moment, then tittered a laugh. "That's a funny saying, Aunt Roxxy. I like it." Then the little girl was gone and in her place was a serious young woman who looked just a little overwhelmed and frightened. There were shadows in her eyes that suggested she'd already nearly gotten dragged far too deep into the when or then. "Show me how to anchor myself to the here and now. Please?"
"Of course, Dee. I'd never forgive myself if something happened to you," Roxxy responded with honesty. She motioned to the floor before rising from her chair and moving to sit in the middle of the large rug that covered it. They were in Ororo's private quarters because Roxxy felt that the peace and solitude there would help her teach Dee how to control her powers. No one would disturb them there and it had the added bonus of having room to attempt to ground themselves.
Dee followed her at a slower, more sedate pace. She took a moment to settle herself directly across from Roxxy. When she was done moving, she mirrored Roxxy's pose and posture. Roxxy held on to her smile, pleased to see they were off to a good start. "Now. Close your eyes and let your body go as loose as it can be without being flat on your back and asleep. Imagine that your arms are weightless and let your attention slide inward until you are lost in the rhythm of your heart beating and the push and pull of air moving through your chest."
The room slipped into soft, warm silence as she listened to Dee's heart thump in her chest. As she listened to the way the girl across from her drew breath into her lungs before ushering it out. Slowly, gradually, the rhythm of Dee's breathing slowed. Her heart beat with less frequency. Roxxy didn't have to look to know her pupil was as relaxed as she was going to get without falling asleep. "Now. Search for the peace within and let yourself sink into it. Tune out everything but my voice and the feel of the rug beneath you. Find your center and exist there."
Moments rolled by one after another with no sound beyond their slowed breathing. Roxxy allowed herself to seek out the feel of the earth around her. That was another reason she'd chosen Ororo's rooms to do this. There were plenty of green, growing things in the woman's rooms to help simulate the great outdoors. It would have been better to actually be outside, but Dee needed to learn how to ground when there was no nature close at hand.
She wasn't sure how much time passed before she allowed her consciousness to climb back to the surface. Dee was still sitting across from her, eyes closed and arms limp in her lap. Her face was a mask of peace, suggesting she'd found her center. "That's enough for now, Dee," Roxxy said gently, almost hesitant to pull the girl away from the calm. Looking at her while she was caught in her meditative state, it was plain to see that she'd been having problems sleeping. There were dark half-moons under her eyes and her coloring was a little paler than usual. It looked as if she could use the time spent meditating, but Roxxy worried that Dee was having more issues than she'd let on.
It took her pupil a full minute to open her eyes. Roxxy could see, now that she'd noticed the signs that suggested a disrupted sleep pattern, shadows lingering in the back of Dee's gaze. It looked as if she wanted to say something, but was afraid of doing so. Maybe she thought Roxxy would be annoyed. Or perhaps she thought that she'd get in trouble for whatever was going on. Taking a breath, Roxxy decided to just dig into whatever was going on with the girl. "Dee? Is there something the matter? Are you having problems of some sort?"
The girl frowned at the question before glancing at her hands. Roxxy noted that she picked at her nails, an action that suggested nerves. She almost urged Dee to give her an answer, but put her worry for the girl aside and forced herself to wait. She didn't want to spook Dee. Things were hard enough for her lately. Roxxy didn't want to add to her problems. So she continued to sit with her legs crossed and simply watched Dee from the other side of the rug.
Finally, after long moments of painful silence, Dee looked up at her with big grey eyes full of confusion and a faint frown on her face. "I'm having weird dreams. But I don't remember what they are. I know that they make me uncomfortable because I wake up and feel this dread. It sits on my shoulders and I can't seem to shake it."
"Are they nightmares?" Roxxy asked.
"Maybe?" Dee responded. The girl frowned, then shook her head and sighed. "They might be. Sometimes, I wake up and my throat is a little dry. Like I've been talking a lot or something. I don't know. I just know that whatever is happening, its messing with my head and my sleep."
"Have you told your dad?" Roxxy asked. She knew that Logan had a special relationship with Dee. She was, despite anything he might say, his favorite. Roxxy had no doubts he'd be concerned if Dee was having nightmares.
"No," Dee told her. "He's been so worried about Mum lately. I didn't want to put any of my crap on his shoulders. Not until Mum is better. He told me she woke up and talked to him the other day. And that Uncle Henry said she can leave the medlab. I went and visited her a couple times, but she was always asleep. I visited Uncle Remy, too. He let me hold my sister. She's super cute and really quiet."
"I'm sue she is." Roxxy couldn't hold back her smile at that. Then she gave Dee a serious look. "But you should tell your dad when something is going on. Because he wants to help you however he can. Even if he's worried about your mom."
"I know. But Da says he's head blind with this kind of shit," Dee said. The words sounded like they'd come from Logan's mouth, the way Dee said them. Roxxy chuckled softly, The girl's face screwed up a little in thought, then she frowned. "Whatever that's supposed to mean."
"It means your dad doesn't have any kind of psychic abilities," Roxxy explained. "He believes, since he doesn't, that he can't help you. But sometimes, speaking to someone who doesn't understand can be the best thing you can do. Because he can take an approach no one else would think to take."
Dee mulled those words over, then gave her a look. "But how do I tell him what's happening when I don't even know what's happening?"
Roxxy nodded. "You do have a point there, Dee." She fell silent, giving consideration to the issue at hand. It would be hard to tell her parents what was going on if she didn't know what has happening. And she couldn't figure out what was happening unless she took action. She could have someone sit with her while she slept, like a kind of sleep study. But Roxxy felt certain that was something Dee wouldn't be comfortable with. There was another option, though. One she thought Dee might be willing to try. "Perhaps you should record yourself when you're sleeping."
"Record myself?" Dee repeated, sounding mildly confused.
"Yes," Roxxy confirmed. "You could make an audio recording when you sleep. You said you've been waking up with a dry throat. That suggests that you've been talking in your sleep. If you start recording yourself, you could possibly figure out what's going on. Recordings might give you some insight into what goes on at night. It is possible you are having visions while you sleep. You might feel that they're dreams because you don't really remember what you're seeing."
Dee frowned at that. "How can I not remember what I see? Shouldn't I remember that?"
"Not necessarily," Roxxy gave a soft laugh. "The human brain is capable of such amazing and bizarre things. And if it decides that its done something too harmful for you to know, it will do everything it can to keep that from you. We can start tonight, if this is something you're willing to explore. And if you're comfortable with it, of course."
Dee took a moment to consider Roxxy's suggestion, her face screwed up with concentration. After a few moments, the look cleared and was replaced with a fairly serious look. "Okay. I'll give it a try. Maybe I'm having visions that tell me how to confront Mum and Aunt Haley. If I am, I need to know."
It was an odd statement and Roxxy puzzled over it for a few moments before she let her curiosity get the better of her. "Why could you possibly need to confront your mother and Haley about?"
Her question prompted Dee to sigh and it was the sound of a one hundred year old woman. It was long and loud and filled with resignation. "They're being stupid, Aunt Roxxy."
Roxxy considered that a moment. Very well. She'd bite. "Stupid about what?"
"About Uncle Remy and Uncle Scott. They keep fighting their feelings for them. And they're going to end up together. They love each other. I know this. I saw it. And I just... Ugh," the girl said, her voice dripping heavily with disgust. "I want to tell them so that they stop being stupid. Uncle Duke said I couldn't just tell them because they'd be all stubborn about it."
Somehow, Roxxy wasn't surprised that Dee had seen the future of her mother and Haley's futures. Much of what she'd seen since her powers had come into play had been about her mother. But it was interesting to know that the girl had seen a positive outcome to the path Sinister had put everyone's feet on. And she could understand why Dee would want to tell them. She wanted them to be happy, wanted them to have everything they wanted. But Duke had been right to tell her that telling Dare and Haley what was in store for them wouldn't work.
"Should I tell them, Aunt Roxxy? Should I tell Mum that she gets to spend the rest of her life with Da, Aunt Morgan, and Uncle Remy? Should I tell Aunt Haley that she and Uncle Johnny and Uncle Scott will be happy together?"
"I know how much you want to tell them and make them smile, Dee. I know you love your mom and Haley. But Duke is right," she replied gently. She saw the girl's face fall with that. "This is something that your mom and Haley need to figure out on their own. The same with Remy and Scott and Johnny. These are complicated choices that will affect them for the rest of their lives. Everyone needs to have time to think about everything seriously. You need to let them figure it out on their own."
Her words saw the girl deflating right before her eyes. Her mouth turned down and her shoulders sagged with the news. Roxxy was about to make her feel even worse, because she had something else to teach her student. "You might be tempted to use your powers for a friend who asks you to see something for them. You really, really want to avoid doing that."
"Because my powers aren't a party trick, I know," Dee replied. There was a pout in her voice that made Roxxy think she'd had this discussion with one, if not both, of her parents.
"There is that. But there's more to it than not using your powers like a party trick. You will lose friends if you let them convince you to see things for them. Because the truth is, most people don't want to know the truth. They want you to tell them what they want to hear. This is why so many people who say they're psychic can make large amounts of cash. They figure out what the person is asking for and then tell them what they want to hear. What happens when a friend asks you about a guy she likes and you don't tell her what she wants to hear?"
"What do you mean?" Dee questioned. Roxxy had a suspicion the girl knew what she was saying. She just wanted clarification.
"Say you have a friend who gets to date the hottest boy in your class. And she comes and asks you if he loves her. Or if they're going to be the perfect couple together. Whatever it is, she asks you to answer a question that requires you to see. One of three things will happen. The first, which is the best outcome, is that you see exactly what it is she wants you to see. The second is you see nothing. And the third is you see something terrible happening. And you tell her. What are the chances she's going to take it with grace?"
Dee considered that, her lower lip caught between her teeth as she did so. "I think I understand," she finally said. Roxxy was more than certain Dee understood why she shouldn't treat her gifts like party tricks.
"I understand the desire you feel to help people. Especially your mom and Haley. And I'm sure they appreciate that you want to help," Roxxy told her, voice gentle. "But sometimes, people have to figure things out for themselves. Telling them that something will go this way or that way will either have them waiting for it to happen or just brushing it off outright. And while things do just happen, sometimes you have to work at something to make what you want happen. There's also a person's reaction when they expect something to happen and it doesn't. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but its better if you don't say anything. People will either shun you for your gifts, or they'll use you for them."
She expected sadness. Dee was, and always had been, very outgoing and warm. She generally loved people and she spent as much time as she could with her friends. Not being able to help her friends was probably a fate worse than death where she was concerned. So sadness would have been a reasonable reaction. But she surprised Roxxy by nodding her head, a faintly serious look on her face. "I understand. I don't want people to treat me differently just because I can do something they can't. So I'm going to learn how to control my visions and I'm going to let Mum and Aunt Haley figure their lives out and I'm going to keep beating Liam at video games."
Roxxy couldn't help the laugh that brought. Dee didn't seem to let anything get her down for long. Maybe that was her real mutant power. The visions were just a secondary, lesser power.
"You said you fell into my vision, Aunt Roxxy. How did you do that?" Dee asked, switching gears so quickly that Roxxy found her head spinning.
"I don't really know, Dee. I reached out and put my hand on you and I kind of got pulled in. It just happened without any conscious thought on my part," Roxxy told her.
"Do you think I could fall into one of your visions?" she asked again. Roxxy considered it, giving her attention over to the question. She supposed it was possible. In theory, of course. Putting it into practice might prove much more difficult.
"I suppose, I mean, I guess its possible I just wouldn't know how." She'd barely finished speaking when Dee was settling beside her, one hand reaching for Roxxy's.
"Let's see if we can figure it out," Dee said, something layered into her voice. And then her fingers were touching Roxxy's and the world around them fell away in a rush that left her breathless. A moment later, her head spun when she realized she and Dee were standing in a field of tall grass and a pair of glowing golden eyes looked out at them from between the long stalks.
"Oh, boy."
Chapter Thirty Eight: When or Then
Fandom: the Marvel universe
Rating: 18 and up
Warnings: graphic violence, language, sex, dark themes, anything else i can toss in.
Disclaimer: the recognizable characters and places contained herein are the property of Marvel. i'm merely borrowing for the sake of entertainment. no money is being made from this venture. Haley belongs to
dazzledfirestar Morgan belongs toginevra Roxxy belongs tonanaeanaven Jehnna belongs to silverfox_chan and Dare belongs to me. the concept and title of The Mary Sue Virus are used with permission from dazzledfirestar . Author's Notes: this is almost entirely Daz's fault. okay. so it really isn't. its actually almost 100% my fault. Daz just did a whole lot of encouraging. this fic is going to be kind of dark, so please keep that in mind while reading.
Among the Strong - the index
It was the singing the pulled her from the depths of sleep. Sleep she wanted desperately to drift back into. Gods, she was so tired. It felt like she could sleep for a year and it wouldn't be enough. And she might have stayed lost to the depths of sleep, cradled gently by a cloud-soft mattress as she was, but words she didn't understand sung in a voice she well recognized had drawn her away from the darkness and toward the light. Kept drawing her away from the bliss of slumber.
She knew the song he was singing. At least, she recognized the rhythm of the tune. He'd sung it to the bump a lot before they'd returned to reality. For a few short moments, she thought that maybe the return to reality had been nothing more than a dream. That they were still stuck in that other place. But the dull ache low on her belly told her she hadn't dreamed coming home. That realization saw a slew of memories tumbling wildly, in a headache inducing whirl, into her brain. She found herself reliving, rather reluctantly, the past week of her life.
Her behavior and how she'd treated those closest to her left her feeling ashamed of herself. Left her hating herself. Just a little more. If such a thing was even possible anymore.
A tiny sound pulled her from her thoughts. It sounded like a tiny coo. A second later, the singing faded away. "Now, now, little one. You need to be quiet. You mama sleepin' an' she need her rest. Givin' birth to you hard on her and she tired." Remy's voice was soft and gentle and filled with tender affection. It was almost enough to make her smile. But the smile didn't come, lost to the heavy press of his mind against hers. Almost as if he was doing what he could to make it impossible for her to keep him out like she had before. If she was being honest with herself, she was pretty sure she didn't have the energy to attempt such a thing again. Hell, she wasn't sure she had the energy to do something as simple as open her eyes.
Maybe she could just lie there and soak in the sound of his voice. Pretend that this was a normal morning in their lives and that she hadn't damn near succeeded in killing herself not that long ago. Maybe she could daydream for a while that things weren't supremely fucked up.
"I know you awake, Dare. Open you eyes and look at me," Remy said. Some of the softness and gentleness he'd used with their daughter was gone, replaced with what she thought might be tension. Possibly anxiety. The daydream shattered, leaving her with a yawning pit of darkness spreading through her belly and an ache in her heart.
She couldn't face him. Not now. Not after the horrible way she'd acted. Not after the way she'd treated him. Despite the way she felt, she needed to face him. Needed to apologize to him for being so stupid about... well, everything. But the words didn't want to come. Because she was afraid. Afraid that it wouldn't be enough. That it would be too late. She was afraid that Logan was right and everyone would walk away from her. She knew, if that happened, she'd never recover from it.
The fear took advantage of her apprehension. It grew and expanded. It swallowed everything up. It ate the ability to think. To move. To speak. All she could do was lie still on the bed and hope beyond hope he would fall for the trick and think she'd gone back to sleep. And hope some more that she didn't completely fucking ruin things between them.
"Dare." He took her hand this time, the feel of his palm against hers leaving her flooded with confusion. Because his touch was gentle. Almost tender. Caring. But his voice suggested he wasn't happy. "Come on, Dare. Open you eyes and look at me."
It almost felt like there was compulsion there because she wanted so very badly to do as he said. But the stubborn part of her brain, the absolutely stupid part of it, refused to listen. It kept her eyes closed as it whispered terrible things to her. Terrible things that she couldn't sort between truth and lies.
The silence built between them while he waited for her to respond to him. While she waited for him to give up. It was a painful silence, closing in on her and suffocating her until she wanted to gasp for breath. It honestly felt like she was drowning and she couldn't be certain if that was a real sensation or an imagined one. Either way, her chest hurt and it felt like her lungs wouldn't expand far enough to allow her to pull in enough air.
Moments ticked by, spooling wasted time between them out as they did so, until she finally heard Remy sigh. It was a heavy sigh, one full of impatience, disbelief, and disgust. There was a rustle of cloth that said he'd shifted positions. The soft slap of feet against the floor marked his direction and she realized, with a healthy dose of fresh fear, that he was heading toward the door. Logan's words came back to her, his voice echoing almost menacingly in her head. "You'll be all alone."
This was it. She'd pushed too much. Too far. And now Remy was going to leave her. He was going to walk away and never come back. It would be what she deserved if he did. She'd locked him out, called him a liar to his face, refused to talk to him. She'd pushed and pushed and pushed and now he was going to leave her. The pain was too much. Her chest was so tight, it felt like she was dying inch by slow inch. The tears she hated so much came again, slipping between closed eyelids to roll down her cheeks. She was about to lose everything.
"Remy... " she began, her voice rough and hoarse and thick with pain and loss and tears. She pried her eyes open, letting her gaze fall on his retreating back. his arms were up, telling her he carried their daughter with him and the panic and fear pierced her anew. He wasn't just walking away, he was taking their child with him. He'd leave and he'd take her daughter and she'd never see either one of them again. "Can I see the baby before you take her away? Please let me hold her before you go. Just once. "
He turned to face her well before she finished speaking. A tiny bundle, wrapped in a blanket decorated with unicorns and rainbows, was cradled in his arms. She saw that bundle first, and her heart broke in pieces. She hadn't even seen her daughter yet. Would he let her before he walked away from her for good?
"Dare." The way he said her name, as if it was some kind of offering or prayer, saw her gaze lifting to his face. She saw disbelief there. And confusion. "Why you t'ink I'm gon' take de baby away?" he asked, curiosity laced into every word.
"Because I shut you out. I tried to push you away and Logan said I'd get what I wanted if I kept doing that and I don't want to push anyone away." The last of her words were garbled nonsense. She was crying so hard that she was sure she'd have a headache before long. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean..."
"Dare," Remy said and sighed. It was a long, drawn out sound. And then he was suddenly standing beside the bed, the expression on his face hard to read. She watched as he settled carefully on the edge of the mattress, one arm shifting away from the tiny life he held in order to reach out with his free hand and touch her face. To wipe at the tears that slid down her cheeks. "I'm not gon' leave you. I'm not gon' take de baby, our baby, away from you. Dat not what goin' on here."
She blinked up at him, confused. "But you're anxious and tense."
Remy sighed again, reaching up to almost angrily rake the length of his hair back from his face. It had grown long while they'd been gone and he had yet to trim it. "Because I'm t'inkin' you gon' shut me out again." His voice was flat, but that didn't stop her from feeling the worry and sadness his statement brought with it. "We need to talk, Dare. We need to talk since we come back. But you don' wanna hear any of de words I say. Even worse, you don' believe any of de words I say. And now you filled wit' fear. It make me t'ink you don' want me touchin' you. Dat you afraid of me."
It was the sorrow in his voice that brought shame screaming to life within her chest. It vied for the top spot with every other thing she felt until she worried about the headache she was definitely going to have once this whole mess was done. She'd never meant to make him feel that way. Because she knew, without having him say it, that he thought she was afraid of him for the things that had happened while they'd been Sinister's captives. Things that had been well beyond his control. She might be totally fucked in the head, but she knew without question that none of what had happened was his fault.
"I'm sorry," she told him, voice once more watery. The goddamned tears were flowing again. She couldn't seem to stop crying and she hated it, thought it was some kind of weakness on her part. "I'm sorry, Remy. I didn't realize what I was doing. I know it isn't enough and I know I hurt you so much. I know its no excuse. But its true. I'm sorry. I'm so... sorry. I... I think there's something wrong with me. I think I'm broken."
She wanted to roll away from him. The last thing she wanted was for him to see her cry. She was so tired of crying. She was pretty sure she'd bawled the entire time she'd talked to Logan. The memories were hard to grasp, fuzzy and soft at the edges due to exhaustion and drugs. But she thought she remembered the crying part correctly. She tried to roll onto her side, but her limbs didn't want to obey her brain's commands. Her whole body was like some giant limp noodle. The only option that left her with was closing her eyes. It was tempting. But he'd still see the tears.
"You not broken, Dare," Remy assured her, one hand again reaching out to stroke the curve of her cheek. She thought he was being kind and opened her mouth to refute his statement. But the look he sent her, one filled with conviction, saw the words remaining behind her teeth. They were a heavy, bitter taste on her tongue. "You not broken, Dare. You traumatized. So many bad t'ings happen. An' you don't deal wit' dem."
His words were blunt while his voice was filled with compassion and understanding. It made her want to cry again. She tamped down on the desire viciously, determined to keep her tears to herself. Instead, she considered his words and what they meant. Not that it was difficult to figure it out. Figuring out the meaning of his statement was easy. It was everything else that she had problems with. "I don't know how," she admitted.
"Dis why you need you family around you. We gon' help you, petit. You just got to let us," he replied. Seriousness still clung to his words, but his voice was lighter. And he offered her a faint smile. "You got to trust us to help you. Me an' Logan. Morgan an' Haley. Everybody gon' help you. You just need to let us."
Dare was skeptical. That sounded too easy. Especially after the way she'd behaved toward everyone. "You're sure about that? You're sure they're all going to want to help me after what I did?After the way I acted, I'm surprised anyone is still talking to me."
Remy sighed softly, a sure sign that he knew it wasn't going to be easy. But he offered her a gentle smile while his free hand once more stroked the curve of her cheek. "You gon' have to apologize to everyone. An' you gon' have to mean it."
"I know," she nodded. She'd been terrible to everyone she called family. She didn't think she could begin to apologize enough for her actions. It would probably take the rest of her life to do so.
"You scare de life out of me, Dare," he said softly. She still heard the pain in his voice. The fear. The worry. All of it was there, clinging to his words like ash and smoke after a fire. "You almost die. You almost leave me. And you almost take de baby wit' you."
She knew she should apologize for that. But what good would the words do? Nothing could take back the things she'd done. The things she'd said. And she'd already apologized so much to him for being an idiot. She felt like another apology would be hollow. And yet... "I know. I'm sorry for that, too. I'm sorry for fucking everything up. I'm sorry for being stupid and for hurting you. I'm just... sorry."
The end of her newest apology saw her gaze shifting so that she could stare at the wall to her left. The wall not behind him. She heard him sigh, a deep thing that spoke to a lot of built up emotions. She could well imagine. Her memories of the past week were clear and she saw again in her mind's eye what she'd done to the people she called family. It was a miracle none of them had given up on her already.
"Dare. Look at me." His voice was soft, but that didn't prevent her from hearing the sadness and pain that lingered in it. And she felt those emotions when one of his hands covered hers. Readying herself for whatever it was he was going to say, she shifted her attention back to his face. And almost cried again when she saw the pain in his eyes. It ran deep, telling her without needing to ask that she'd left scars on his heart. "You shut us all out. We you family. We love you. And you shut us out. How you t'ink dat make us feel? How you t'ink it make me feel?"
She swallowed the urge to apologize again. This wasn't the time. And she suspected that those two words weren't enough to start repairing the damage she'd done. She was going to have to show him that she meant what she said. She was going to have to work to fix the rifts she'd created in her relationships. With everyone. "I know it hurt. I hurt you by being so stubborn and stupid and blind."
"You did." Two words. But those two words were filled with weight. With emotions. With the pain he felt. Pain that she'd intentionally made him feel because she'd been scared. Scared of the truth. Scared of her own feelings. Because she'd been a selfish bitch. The tears were there again, ready to spill over with another word. She merely blinked in an effort to push them away and waited for him to go on. There was more that he had to say. She could feel it bubbling under the surface of his calm.
The silence fell again, thick and heavy with the growing tension in the room. She watched him quietly, saw the internal debate he was having with himself in the expressions on his face. The urge to reach out and settle a hand on his knee rose within her. She wasn't sure he would welcome it, though. And she couldn't manage it anyway because she didn't have the energy. Finally, his expression became one of resolve and he focused his attention entirely on her. She waited, wondering if her emotions and her soul would be raw after this talk. "You answer me somet'ing, Dare. You believe Logan when he tell you he love you?"
For a moment, just a moment, she wondered at his question. But he had his reasons and she owed him the truth. She owed him more than just that, but honesty was the place to start. "Yes."
The expression he wore became a little stiffer. A little more closed off. Her heart ached to see it. Worse, she felt the way his pain increased, just a little, though their link. "And Morgan. You believe her?"
That question made her swallow hard. But she gave a slight nod. "Yes."
She swore he grit his teeth. His gaze left her face and slid to the baby he held. And it stayed there. He stared down at the child they'd created for so long that she thought he wasn't going to say anything more. She was taken again by the urge to reach out and touch him. She was afraid, if she didn't, that she'd lose him. He turned and looked at her again, and there was something dark lingering in his gaze. "But you don' believe me when I say I love you. Maybe you don' love me after all."
His words were hard, a carefully formed blade meant to pierce her heart. And it did its job. It did it so well that she thought her heart was shattering in her chest. She swallowed hard and forced herself to give him the truth. "Because you're Morgan's great love. And she's yours," Dare replied softly. She didn't keep the tears or her own pain from her voice.
"Dat bullshit, Dare!" he snarled in return.
"Is it, Remy?" she asked him. "I told you already that I knew that you didn't love me. The night of the threesome. I figured it out then. Simple, stupid Dare knew back then that you only went out with her because you wanted to put Rogue's nose out of joint. You were mad and you needed to find a way to relax. And to get back at her. You didn't pick me because you thought I was beautiful or because you had emotions for me. You picked me because I was convenient. And I was star-struck. Everybody in the school wanted a chance to go out with you. And you picked me. No one else would look at me or wanted to be near me. But you... You did what I only dreamed of and you picked me."
She kept her voice soft and steady. Kept emotion out of it. Made it a weapon of fact. And she watched his face as she spoke, saw the truth in his eyes before he could hide it. It figured. Her heart always did like to reach above its station. "I was ... awed and honored and amazed that you picked me. I know now that it only happened because I was the first person you crossed paths with. Back then, though, it was a dream come true. And I was blind to the truth. But then I proposed that stupid threesome. I figured it out when I woke up. Morgan was head over heels for you. And you already wanted her. I was just a third wheel. I was in the way. I didn't handle things the right way. I should have talked to you. But I was off balance. And I was stupid. So I cut out and let you both have what you wanted."
"Dare..."
She struggled to sit up. She couldn't have this conversation while she was flat on her back. But her energy stores were still depleted and she could barely move. And, of course, Remy was there to help her sit up in the blink of an eye. He handled her like she was something breakable and precious, one hand doing the work while he held their daughter in the other. It made her heart ache all over again. And when she was sitting, she let him see what she felt. Let her emotions crowd into her eyes and settle on her face. "You and Morgan were... I love you both. But the love you had for her, that you have for her -- "
"Stop, Dare," he interrupted, his voice hard and inflexible. Even the look on his face was filled with stubbornness. "I don' wan' hear how I love Morgan more dan I love you. I don' wan' hear dat I don' love you. I don' wan' hear how you don' deserve me. You deserve de world. You deserve all you want and more. Why you t'ink you don't deserve me? What make you t'ink dat?"
"Because I don't," she replied. There was nothing in her voice to give away any feelings. Nothing but belief. "You're beautiful. And I'm not."
He frowned at that, staring at her as if he'd never seen her before. She stared back in return, waited for him to loudly exclaim that he thought her to be pretty and that she was wrong. For several moments, she waited. And then he fully surprised her by suddenly transferring the bundle of baby he held into her arms. He was careful about it, making sure that the wee one rested on her belly just below her breasts. He then ensured that her arms were cradled under the tiny tot. And he shifted his position so that he sat on the bed next to her, one arm slipped behind her back and the headboard so that it rested casually along her shoulders, the hand at the end curled around her arm. The other arm was across her belly, under her own arms so that the baby was safely cradled by them both. "Look at our daughter," he prompted gently.
Dare stared at him, confused by his actions. He only offered her a smile and tipped his head toward the infant in her arms. It was a silent order to do as he'd said. So she shifted her attention to the baby in her arms and felt her chest fill with warmth. It was the same warmth she'd felt when Dee was born. And then Liam. Cam and Ken. And finally Jessalyn. It was love and it was pride and it was joy and it was so much more. All blossoming in her chest with the force of a nuclear bomb going off.
Their child was perfect. A few strands of dark hair clung to her head. Delicate eyebrows arched over eyes that were open, staring up at her with silent consideration. Eyes that were red on black. Eyes that marked the identity of her father to one and all. She had Dare's nose, and a cupid bow mouth that was pursed and pink. Pale cheeks that were chubby and ideal for pinching just the tiniest bit. Or upon which to rain down dozens and dozens of tiny kisses. Their baby was amazing and perfect and, like her father, stole her heart right from her chest without even trying. "She's beautiful," Dare breathed, everything she felt bunched into those two words.
"Just like her mama," Remy responded immediately. The certainty in his words saw Dare lifting her eyes to his face. He wasn't looking at the baby. He was looking at her, the expression he wore an odd mix of soft love and hard certainty.
"Remy -- " she began. But he gave her a stern look that saw the words drying up in her throat.
"She is beautiful. Just like her mama, Dare," he repeated sternly. "You beautiful. I don' know who tell you different, but dey lie to you. You beautiful. You always been beautiful. An' I love you. Not because of de pheromones. Not because of the captivity. Because of you. Because you beautiful, inside an' out. You beautiful an' I love you and you deserve all you want an' more."
She opened her mouth to argue once more, but the words never made it past her teeth. Because Remy was quick and he darted in. Took her mouth in a heated kiss that curled her toes for her. The kiss came complete with his tongue. It slid in past her lips and made a show of sliding against hers. It teased and tempted and tasted, bringing life to a few embers of desire that she'd never been able to put out completely. And when he pulled back, it was because they both needed air. There was tenderness in his gaze. And love. The smile he gave her left her breathless all over again.
"I love you, petit. I love you so much, it make my chest hurt. I was afraid you gon' die. I was afraid I never again get to see de soft look in you eyes when we make love. I was afraid I was gon' lose you an' de baby. Not gon' let you go again, Dare. You stuck wit' me."
There was honesty in his words. She felt it in each one he spoke, entwined so tightly that she didn't think there was any way to pull them apart. And it was there in his eyes, in the way he stared at her like she was the most amazing thing ever. Also, there was love. It was deep and rich and thick, like the finest chocolate in the world. Sweet and filling yet leaving her eager, even hungry, for more.
Part of her filled with joy at the look her gave her. Part of her filled with sorrow because she felt like she was betraying Logan. And Morgan. She found her gaze returning to their daughter, her eyes burning with the need to cry and her chest tight with emotion. His hand stroked her arm tenderly, a gentle reminder that he was there. That he wasn't going to leave her. That they would find answers and solutions. Together.
"What we gon' name our baby?" he asked softly, his voice right there in her ear. It was filled with the same awe she felt. It served to anchor her in the here and now, pulling her away from the building spiral of doom and fear.
"What do you think of Petra?" she asked him, the answer coming without any thought. She'd never admit it, but she'd secretly harbored the hope that they'd bring their baby home with them. And she'd considered names during their captivity. In the quiet of the night, when she'd been unable to sleep.
"I t'ink it perfect. Just like her," he replied, then pressed a kiss to Dare's cheek. "Just like her mama."
His words made her head spin. The honesty in them and the sincerity behind them made her head spin. She found herself believing them. And, for the first time in a while, she decided that believing was a good thing.
~*~
"This hurts my brain, Aunt Roxxy," Dee said. It was a complaint, but it wasn't a whining complaint that many kids her age would make. Roxxy hid a smile, knowing instinctively that the girl would take offense to it, and patted her arm gently.
"I know, Dee. But you have to learn how to keep yourself apart from your visions. I cannot tell you how important it is," Roxxy replied steadily.
"But why is it that important?" Dee asked, grey eyes large and housing just a little bit of confusion.
"Because there will come a day that your visions will be about someone close to you. Someone you care very much about. And you're going to need to hold on to rational thought so that you can interpret and not act rashly," Roxxy explained. She was sure Dee knew this on some level, but she was still new to her powers and there hadn't been much that was terribly overwhelming. Except that one time... Roxxy drew a breath and let it out, then asked a question she was sure would not be welcomed. "Do you remember how you felt when you saw Sinister choking your mother?"
The girl's eyes got wider and Roxxy saw the shadows that passed through them like clouds drifting across the sun. That was followed by a shudder. "I was scared and kind of freaked out."
"You were very scared and freaked out.That's why I reached out to you. What do you think would have happened if I hadn't fallen into your vision with you?"
Dee took a few moments to consider the answer to that question. It was a minute or more before she finally spoke, her voice low and soft. "Uncle Henry was pretty sure I would have hurt myself. He said he thought I was going to have a seizure before I started to calm down."
"Exactly. You went rigid when the vision came to you. I was afraid you would fall out of the chair and hurt yourself. You could have had a seizure. Or you could have broken bones. There's no telling what would have happened to you if you hadn't come out of your vision when you did. That is why it is so important for you to anchor yourself to the real world. To keep something like that from happening."
"Its hard to tell what it and isn't real," Dee responded. Roxxy understood that. She could clearly remember what it had been like when she'd started having her visions. She'd been scared by them and hadn't really known what was going on. It had taken her some time to figure out how to keep herself firmly rooted in the real world while also caught up in the world created by her visions.
"It won't always be like that, Dee. Especially once you learn how to anchor yourself. Which is why we're starting now and not later. You've only just started coming into your powers. You really need to be anchored before you have them in full," Roxxy assured her.
"How do you anchor yourself, Aunt Roxxy?" The question wasn't unexpected. Roxxy suspected Dee understood in theory what anchoring was. She just didn't know how to put it into practice.
"Well," Roxxy said and drew a breath. She hadn't thought about it in a long time, so it was going to take her a little bit to find the answer that would help Dee best. "I use mediation to connect myself to the land and all life around me."
Dee stared at her a moment, her mouth hitched up at one corner as she fell into thought. Then some of the shadows in her eyes faded and there was the light of knowing in them. "Mum does that. She calls it grounding."
Learning that Dare used meditative actions to keep herself grounded and anchored came as something of a surprise to Roxxy. It shouldn't have, though. The other woman had been through far more than her fair share of bad things and keeping herself grounded or anchored probably kept her from falling off the edge of a very tall cliff. It also probably helped keep her from barbequeing the whole world with a thought. "Grounding, or anchoring, is good because it keeps you rooted in reality. It helps keep you in the here and now, even when your mind is pulled into the when or then."
Dee stared a moment, then tittered a laugh. "That's a funny saying, Aunt Roxxy. I like it." Then the little girl was gone and in her place was a serious young woman who looked just a little overwhelmed and frightened. There were shadows in her eyes that suggested she'd already nearly gotten dragged far too deep into the when or then. "Show me how to anchor myself to the here and now. Please?"
"Of course, Dee. I'd never forgive myself if something happened to you," Roxxy responded with honesty. She motioned to the floor before rising from her chair and moving to sit in the middle of the large rug that covered it. They were in Ororo's private quarters because Roxxy felt that the peace and solitude there would help her teach Dee how to control her powers. No one would disturb them there and it had the added bonus of having room to attempt to ground themselves.
Dee followed her at a slower, more sedate pace. She took a moment to settle herself directly across from Roxxy. When she was done moving, she mirrored Roxxy's pose and posture. Roxxy held on to her smile, pleased to see they were off to a good start. "Now. Close your eyes and let your body go as loose as it can be without being flat on your back and asleep. Imagine that your arms are weightless and let your attention slide inward until you are lost in the rhythm of your heart beating and the push and pull of air moving through your chest."
The room slipped into soft, warm silence as she listened to Dee's heart thump in her chest. As she listened to the way the girl across from her drew breath into her lungs before ushering it out. Slowly, gradually, the rhythm of Dee's breathing slowed. Her heart beat with less frequency. Roxxy didn't have to look to know her pupil was as relaxed as she was going to get without falling asleep. "Now. Search for the peace within and let yourself sink into it. Tune out everything but my voice and the feel of the rug beneath you. Find your center and exist there."
Moments rolled by one after another with no sound beyond their slowed breathing. Roxxy allowed herself to seek out the feel of the earth around her. That was another reason she'd chosen Ororo's rooms to do this. There were plenty of green, growing things in the woman's rooms to help simulate the great outdoors. It would have been better to actually be outside, but Dee needed to learn how to ground when there was no nature close at hand.
She wasn't sure how much time passed before she allowed her consciousness to climb back to the surface. Dee was still sitting across from her, eyes closed and arms limp in her lap. Her face was a mask of peace, suggesting she'd found her center. "That's enough for now, Dee," Roxxy said gently, almost hesitant to pull the girl away from the calm. Looking at her while she was caught in her meditative state, it was plain to see that she'd been having problems sleeping. There were dark half-moons under her eyes and her coloring was a little paler than usual. It looked as if she could use the time spent meditating, but Roxxy worried that Dee was having more issues than she'd let on.
It took her pupil a full minute to open her eyes. Roxxy could see, now that she'd noticed the signs that suggested a disrupted sleep pattern, shadows lingering in the back of Dee's gaze. It looked as if she wanted to say something, but was afraid of doing so. Maybe she thought Roxxy would be annoyed. Or perhaps she thought that she'd get in trouble for whatever was going on. Taking a breath, Roxxy decided to just dig into whatever was going on with the girl. "Dee? Is there something the matter? Are you having problems of some sort?"
The girl frowned at the question before glancing at her hands. Roxxy noted that she picked at her nails, an action that suggested nerves. She almost urged Dee to give her an answer, but put her worry for the girl aside and forced herself to wait. She didn't want to spook Dee. Things were hard enough for her lately. Roxxy didn't want to add to her problems. So she continued to sit with her legs crossed and simply watched Dee from the other side of the rug.
Finally, after long moments of painful silence, Dee looked up at her with big grey eyes full of confusion and a faint frown on her face. "I'm having weird dreams. But I don't remember what they are. I know that they make me uncomfortable because I wake up and feel this dread. It sits on my shoulders and I can't seem to shake it."
"Are they nightmares?" Roxxy asked.
"Maybe?" Dee responded. The girl frowned, then shook her head and sighed. "They might be. Sometimes, I wake up and my throat is a little dry. Like I've been talking a lot or something. I don't know. I just know that whatever is happening, its messing with my head and my sleep."
"Have you told your dad?" Roxxy asked. She knew that Logan had a special relationship with Dee. She was, despite anything he might say, his favorite. Roxxy had no doubts he'd be concerned if Dee was having nightmares.
"No," Dee told her. "He's been so worried about Mum lately. I didn't want to put any of my crap on his shoulders. Not until Mum is better. He told me she woke up and talked to him the other day. And that Uncle Henry said she can leave the medlab. I went and visited her a couple times, but she was always asleep. I visited Uncle Remy, too. He let me hold my sister. She's super cute and really quiet."
"I'm sue she is." Roxxy couldn't hold back her smile at that. Then she gave Dee a serious look. "But you should tell your dad when something is going on. Because he wants to help you however he can. Even if he's worried about your mom."
"I know. But Da says he's head blind with this kind of shit," Dee said. The words sounded like they'd come from Logan's mouth, the way Dee said them. Roxxy chuckled softly, The girl's face screwed up a little in thought, then she frowned. "Whatever that's supposed to mean."
"It means your dad doesn't have any kind of psychic abilities," Roxxy explained. "He believes, since he doesn't, that he can't help you. But sometimes, speaking to someone who doesn't understand can be the best thing you can do. Because he can take an approach no one else would think to take."
Dee mulled those words over, then gave her a look. "But how do I tell him what's happening when I don't even know what's happening?"
Roxxy nodded. "You do have a point there, Dee." She fell silent, giving consideration to the issue at hand. It would be hard to tell her parents what was going on if she didn't know what has happening. And she couldn't figure out what was happening unless she took action. She could have someone sit with her while she slept, like a kind of sleep study. But Roxxy felt certain that was something Dee wouldn't be comfortable with. There was another option, though. One she thought Dee might be willing to try. "Perhaps you should record yourself when you're sleeping."
"Record myself?" Dee repeated, sounding mildly confused.
"Yes," Roxxy confirmed. "You could make an audio recording when you sleep. You said you've been waking up with a dry throat. That suggests that you've been talking in your sleep. If you start recording yourself, you could possibly figure out what's going on. Recordings might give you some insight into what goes on at night. It is possible you are having visions while you sleep. You might feel that they're dreams because you don't really remember what you're seeing."
Dee frowned at that. "How can I not remember what I see? Shouldn't I remember that?"
"Not necessarily," Roxxy gave a soft laugh. "The human brain is capable of such amazing and bizarre things. And if it decides that its done something too harmful for you to know, it will do everything it can to keep that from you. We can start tonight, if this is something you're willing to explore. And if you're comfortable with it, of course."
Dee took a moment to consider Roxxy's suggestion, her face screwed up with concentration. After a few moments, the look cleared and was replaced with a fairly serious look. "Okay. I'll give it a try. Maybe I'm having visions that tell me how to confront Mum and Aunt Haley. If I am, I need to know."
It was an odd statement and Roxxy puzzled over it for a few moments before she let her curiosity get the better of her. "Why could you possibly need to confront your mother and Haley about?"
Her question prompted Dee to sigh and it was the sound of a one hundred year old woman. It was long and loud and filled with resignation. "They're being stupid, Aunt Roxxy."
Roxxy considered that a moment. Very well. She'd bite. "Stupid about what?"
"About Uncle Remy and Uncle Scott. They keep fighting their feelings for them. And they're going to end up together. They love each other. I know this. I saw it. And I just... Ugh," the girl said, her voice dripping heavily with disgust. "I want to tell them so that they stop being stupid. Uncle Duke said I couldn't just tell them because they'd be all stubborn about it."
Somehow, Roxxy wasn't surprised that Dee had seen the future of her mother and Haley's futures. Much of what she'd seen since her powers had come into play had been about her mother. But it was interesting to know that the girl had seen a positive outcome to the path Sinister had put everyone's feet on. And she could understand why Dee would want to tell them. She wanted them to be happy, wanted them to have everything they wanted. But Duke had been right to tell her that telling Dare and Haley what was in store for them wouldn't work.
"Should I tell them, Aunt Roxxy? Should I tell Mum that she gets to spend the rest of her life with Da, Aunt Morgan, and Uncle Remy? Should I tell Aunt Haley that she and Uncle Johnny and Uncle Scott will be happy together?"
"I know how much you want to tell them and make them smile, Dee. I know you love your mom and Haley. But Duke is right," she replied gently. She saw the girl's face fall with that. "This is something that your mom and Haley need to figure out on their own. The same with Remy and Scott and Johnny. These are complicated choices that will affect them for the rest of their lives. Everyone needs to have time to think about everything seriously. You need to let them figure it out on their own."
Her words saw the girl deflating right before her eyes. Her mouth turned down and her shoulders sagged with the news. Roxxy was about to make her feel even worse, because she had something else to teach her student. "You might be tempted to use your powers for a friend who asks you to see something for them. You really, really want to avoid doing that."
"Because my powers aren't a party trick, I know," Dee replied. There was a pout in her voice that made Roxxy think she'd had this discussion with one, if not both, of her parents.
"There is that. But there's more to it than not using your powers like a party trick. You will lose friends if you let them convince you to see things for them. Because the truth is, most people don't want to know the truth. They want you to tell them what they want to hear. This is why so many people who say they're psychic can make large amounts of cash. They figure out what the person is asking for and then tell them what they want to hear. What happens when a friend asks you about a guy she likes and you don't tell her what she wants to hear?"
"What do you mean?" Dee questioned. Roxxy had a suspicion the girl knew what she was saying. She just wanted clarification.
"Say you have a friend who gets to date the hottest boy in your class. And she comes and asks you if he loves her. Or if they're going to be the perfect couple together. Whatever it is, she asks you to answer a question that requires you to see. One of three things will happen. The first, which is the best outcome, is that you see exactly what it is she wants you to see. The second is you see nothing. And the third is you see something terrible happening. And you tell her. What are the chances she's going to take it with grace?"
Dee considered that, her lower lip caught between her teeth as she did so. "I think I understand," she finally said. Roxxy was more than certain Dee understood why she shouldn't treat her gifts like party tricks.
"I understand the desire you feel to help people. Especially your mom and Haley. And I'm sure they appreciate that you want to help," Roxxy told her, voice gentle. "But sometimes, people have to figure things out for themselves. Telling them that something will go this way or that way will either have them waiting for it to happen or just brushing it off outright. And while things do just happen, sometimes you have to work at something to make what you want happen. There's also a person's reaction when they expect something to happen and it doesn't. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but its better if you don't say anything. People will either shun you for your gifts, or they'll use you for them."
She expected sadness. Dee was, and always had been, very outgoing and warm. She generally loved people and she spent as much time as she could with her friends. Not being able to help her friends was probably a fate worse than death where she was concerned. So sadness would have been a reasonable reaction. But she surprised Roxxy by nodding her head, a faintly serious look on her face. "I understand. I don't want people to treat me differently just because I can do something they can't. So I'm going to learn how to control my visions and I'm going to let Mum and Aunt Haley figure their lives out and I'm going to keep beating Liam at video games."
Roxxy couldn't help the laugh that brought. Dee didn't seem to let anything get her down for long. Maybe that was her real mutant power. The visions were just a secondary, lesser power.
"You said you fell into my vision, Aunt Roxxy. How did you do that?" Dee asked, switching gears so quickly that Roxxy found her head spinning.
"I don't really know, Dee. I reached out and put my hand on you and I kind of got pulled in. It just happened without any conscious thought on my part," Roxxy told her.
"Do you think I could fall into one of your visions?" she asked again. Roxxy considered it, giving her attention over to the question. She supposed it was possible. In theory, of course. Putting it into practice might prove much more difficult.
"I suppose, I mean, I guess its possible I just wouldn't know how." She'd barely finished speaking when Dee was settling beside her, one hand reaching for Roxxy's.
"Let's see if we can figure it out," Dee said, something layered into her voice. And then her fingers were touching Roxxy's and the world around them fell away in a rush that left her breathless. A moment later, her head spun when she realized she and Dee were standing in a field of tall grass and a pair of glowing golden eyes looked out at them from between the long stalks.
"Oh, boy."
