Among the Strong
Nov. 21st, 2024 05:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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marysuevirusTitle: Among the Strong
Chapter Thirty Seven: Lessons
Fandom: the Marvel universe
Rating: 18 and up
Warnings: graphic violence, language, sex, dark themes, anything else i can toss in.
Disclaimer: the recognizable characters and places contained herein are the property of Marvel. i'm merely borrowing for the sake of entertainment. no money is being made from this venture. Haley belongs todazzledfirestar Morgan belongs toginevra Roxxy belongs tonanaeanaven Jehnna belongs to silverfox_chan and Dare belongs to me. the concept and title of The Mary Sue Virus are used with permission from dazzledfirestar .
Author's Notes: this is almost entirely Daz's fault. okay. so it really isn't. its actually almost 100% my fault. Daz just did a whole lot of encouraging. this fic is going to be kind of dark, so please keep that in mind while reading.
Among the Strong - the index
Scott stared at the report in front of him without really seeing it. He'd told Jean he was going to go do some work in his office. There was always work to do. There were always reports to either read over or write. Someone, and he felt certain that someone was Storm, had cobbled together a temporary team from the X-Men who hadn't been grabbed by Sinister and there had been a couple of minor missions while he and the others had been gone. So he hadn't technically told Jean a lie.
In truth, however, he wasn't getting much work done. Coming down to his office had been an excuse to get away from Jean's stare and the silent weight of her disapproval. His belief that she knew what was going on grew daily. If that was true, it was only a matter of time before she lost her patience and her temper. He didn't like what things might look like, should that come to pass. Some corner of his brain was trying very hard to find a way to prevent it from ever happening.
Sighing, Scott pushed his glasses up so that he could rub at his eyes. Today had been a very obvious disaster. What should have been fun and informative for Purple Team's children had turned into a nightmare. And it had been his fault. His presence at the event had proven a bad idea. He never should have gone. But some part of his mind had told him that Haley would need him. That Emilia would need him. And, if he was being honest, he'd wanted to be near both of them. That desire had translated into trouble for Haley.
Just thinking about her made his heart ache. Just a little. She'd been on edge the moment she'd walked into the room with her kids in tow and that feeling had only ramped up as the minutes had ticked by. The tension she'd been hiding behind a faint smile had almost given him a headache. And then had come Cassie.
She was very much her mother's daughter. He would give her that. Now, after everything had settled, he could smile at the image of her staring him down, hands on her hips as she waited for him to answer her question. She'd looked so much like Haley and it had reminded him of the times the two of them had clashed over missions or her team. But Cassie's question had disturbed the fragile peace that had filled the room. And it had done so much damage to his already damaged relationship with Haley.
There was no denying she'd felt a faint flutter of hope when Cassie had demanded her answers. Scott would have been an idiot to have not noticed. And then he'd felt that flutter of hope die the moment he'd given Cassie an answer. He'd wanted to take Haley aside and explain why he'd said that. But she'd started putting up walls and barriers before he'd even gotten to the last word of his statement. And he'd known that she wouldn't have listened to any of it.
Damn it. Why had Cassie needed to be so interested in their relationship? And why had he said what he'd said? Why hadn't he just told the girl the truth? He'd considered it. He'd considered adding to his statement and telling Cassie that, yes. He loved her mother. But that would have only made more problems. Then it had become a moot point when Liam had damn near knocked Spencer on his ass. He wasn't sure what Haley's oldest had said to Liam about Dare, but he knew Spencer was lucky because Liam's temper was a mix of both his mother's and his father's tempers. He supposed they should count themselves lucky that Liam hadn't hit puberty yet. There was no telling what kind of mutation the kid was going to end up with.
Scott's thoughts were on the verge of spinning far, far out of control. But there came a knock at his door, and that was enough to pull him away from the edge. He took a breath, sat up straighter, and put his game face on. "Its open."
The door opened wide and allowed Warren to step into the cluttered confines of his office. Scott watched the other man a moment, took note of how Warren's eyes studied him intently. It looked almost like the frown he'd come through the door wearing got a little heavier. Then the door shut behind him, leaving the two men alone in the uncomfortable silence of Scott's office. Finally, Warren took a seat in one of the chairs across the desk, the tightness in his shoulders and his spine telling Scott this wasn't going to be a social visit.
"Warren. You look as bad as I feel," Scott said in greeting.
The blonde huffed a faint laugh and shook his head. "Haley?" he asked.
"Haley. Cassie. Spencer. The whole damn mess," Scott admitted.
"Its a lot for them, Scott. Surely you can see that," Warren replied, voice oddly gentle.
Scott made a noise in the back of his throat and sat back in his chair, putting his head back so that he could stare at the ceiling. "I know. Spencer's anger is understandable. On some level, he knows what happened. He no doubt thinks I'm trying to replace his dad. And Cassie... She was trying to feel me out and get the lay of the land. I should have phrased my answer differently. I made it sound like I was going to walk away from Haley and Emilia."
"Look, Scott," Warren began, sitting forward in his seat. Scott could feel the other man's gaze on him, but he didn't look away from the ceiling. All he could see in his head was Haley's face and the moment the hope in her eyes died. "Cassie put you in a tight spot. There was no right or wrong answer to her question. You gave her the best answer you could. You didn't lie. That is absolutely the way you deal with a situation like that."
"Haley's already started pulling away," Scott admitted. If he was being honest, she'd started pulling away during that disastrous first meeting with her children. Spencer had been mad then. Cassie had been demanding. And Johnny had given the impression he hated both Haley and Scott. He'd wanted to take his own swing at the hothead, but he'd kept his urges in check. He hadn't wanted to upset Haley. Fat lot of good that had done him.
"Haley is confused, Scott. She loves you. She loves Johnny. And she feels like she's got to do this all on her own. Johnny is being distant because he can't process his own feelings. And you've got Jean to deal with. If you pay Haley too much attention, Jean will absolutely take notice. We do not need those two coming to blows. It would not be pretty." Warren offered a soft laugh at the end of his statement. Scott didn't find it amusing. Jean would do everything in her power to hurt Haley. Pretty was not a word he'd use to describe any kind of meeting between Haley and Jean.
"I'm more than willing to be there for her," Scott replied.
"And have you told her this, Scott? Have you let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you love her and you want to be part of her life?" Warren's question did and didn't come out of left field. The other man was more than just another pretty face. Behind those baby blues, under the head of glowing blonde hair, was a sharp mind. Scott had no doubt Warren had been paying attention to everything and everyone around him.
So Warren's question saw Scott sink into thought. He thought about their captivity together and all the times their conversation had turned toward returning home. He couldn't recall, in that whole year, ever once mentioning their life together when they got back. Of course he recalled telling her, once they'd returned, that he wouldn't leave her. And then he'd promptly left her because Jean had showed up. He'd told her he loved her when Emilia was born. But that was really all he'd given her. No assurances about their future together. Nothing to let her know that he was as committed to her and Emilia as she needed him to be.
It was on the tip of his tongue to mention that he'd said nothing and he was a huge, glaring failure in the partner department when Warren spoke before he could. The other man's voice was soft and contemplative, with the faintest traces of guilt. "You know, I keep thinking I should have tried harder to salvage my marriage to Jehnna. We spent ten years together, had beautiful children together. She was everything I thought I wanted. But then I see her with Sam... It twists something in my guts every time and I just force myself to smile through it all and act like I'm not all torn up inside."
Scott frowned. This didn't sound like it had anything to do with Scott's current problems. And yet...
An intense blue gaze found his face then. Warren wore an expression that was just as intense, and filled with thoughts and feelings that Scott normally didn't see there. "Thing is, we're not the same people that Sinister kidnapped. We've changed because of it. And that means the things we want have changed, too. Morgan showed me there's more to be had in this life. There's more I want. I don't want Jehnna any less. I just want more than she's capable of giving me. I still love her and I always will. But she can't fill all my needs and I can't punish her for that. No more than I can punish her for finding things with Sam that she obviously couldn't find with me."
Those words hit Scott square in the chest with all the force of one of Logan's fists. For a moment, Scott couldn't breathe as Warren's words sank in. He loved Jean. He loved Haley. Jean was smart and beautiful. So was Haley. But that was where the similarities tapered off. Haley was warm and soft in private. Jean tended to come off cold and hard. Haley had given him the one thing he'd wanted most in life. Something Jean hadn't. Scott frowned. Was it really that simple?
His gaze found Warren's again, took note of the sadness that lingered in the man's eyes. There was a reason Warren had sought him out and Scott was certain that schooling his friend on his love life was not the reason. Sighing softly, he eased back in his chair and gave the other man his full attention. "What's wrong?" he asked, his tone as gentle as it ever got.
"There's something wrong with Jehnna," Warren said. The words tumbled out like they'd been lingering on the tip of his tongue, waiting for the right moment to make their appearance. Scott frowned at that.
"How do you mean? She seemed fine earlier."
Warren heaved a sigh and shook his head before scrubbing his hands over his face. "I went to see her a little bit ago. To make sure she was okay. She looked tired this afternoon. I was worried."
"I understand. What happened today was really a lot." Scott fell silent and made a motion with his hand to indicate Warren should continue. He watched as his long-time friend sagged back against his chair, his expression edged with confusion. It was one of the few times Scott could remember Warren looking so lost.
"She said some things today... Things I can't just brush aside as the exhaustion talking," Warren told him. "She feels certain that Liam was in the wrong with regard to how he behaved toward Spencer. When I pointed out that Spencer said something disrespectful about Dare, she brushed it aside with a comment about how we all know Dare's been whoring it up for years. She believes that Johnny and Spencer are both the injured parties in this whole mess and seems ignorant of the fact that she's as guilty of falling in love with someone else as Haley or any one of us."
Scott frowned at that. "That doesn't sound at all like the Jehnna we've all come to know," he commented.
"It doesn't. And it gets worse. After I made mention that none of us wanted to do any of the things that happened, that we were forced to do it all and it wasn't our faults, she seemed to come to her senses and she agreed. Which is what Jehnna would normally have done. She can be a little clueless sometimes, but she's never intentionally been cruel. Not toward any of her friends or anyone else. So this whole event has me worried."
Scott nodded, his mind turning over what he'd just learned. "You think its something to do with Sinister?" he asked quietly.
"Maybe?" Warren responded. He didn't sound sure about any of it. "I'm worried that the trauma is more than she can handle. That its somehow fractured her psyche. Jehnna is a gentle soul. I'm amazed that the things she's seen while on missions with Purple Team haven't done such things already. Its like some bizarre kind of paranoia or something."
Scott frowned. For a moment, he considered talking to Jehnna himself, to see just how bad things were. But he quickly put the idea aside. If Jehnna was laying blame at people's feet for what had happened, he felt it was likely she'd do the same with him. Which left him with a couple of options. "Someone needs to assess her mental state. As I see it, the best possible choices are Hank, since he's her primary physician, or the professor with or without Jean. Their telepathy would be of benefit trying to figure out what's going on with her."
"I considered Henry. But he's got so much on his plate. Dare's still in the medlab, there are four new babies to be monitored, and he's still fretting over Roxxy. I didn't want to add more to his already heavy load."
"I'm sure Hank would be quick to point out its his job to ensure all team members are physically and psychologically ready for missions. We know she's off duty for six weeks because of Talia. But if her mental state isn't good, that means I'll have to step in and bench her longer. And that mean someone needs to check on her. Hank is the best option because of his insight and his bedside manner." Scott wouldn't mention that he didn't really trust Xavier or Jean as far as he could blast them. And he could blast them pretty damn far.
Warren nodded his head. "I'll leave it up to your discretion, Scott."
"Good," Scott returned. Silence settled around them comfortably after that. Warren didn't seem in a rush to leave and, if he was being honest, Scott enjoyed having the other man's company. It wasn't often he got to simply spend time with his friends. The life of an X-Man didn't always allow for lazy days. It was nice, for once, to simply sit in the same room with an old friend and just... exist.
"Now," Warren said, and the look on his face told Scott that the quiet peace was at an end. "What are you going to do about Jean? And Haley?"
Well, hell. It was going to be one of those nights.
~*~
"What's all this, Logan?" Johnny asked, confusion thick in his words as he took in the gym around him. Also the fact that Liam had boxing gloves and protective head gear on. The boy stood in the center of an actual boxing ring. Logan waited outside of the ring, a stogie clenched between his teeth and a dark expression on his face. The man had his arms crossed over his chest, meaning it was impossible for Johnny to ignore the way his muscles bulged. He looked as if he was in a fine mood, which gave Johnny a bad feeling about the whole thing.
Of course, maybe that bad feeling had started when Logan had contacted him and asked him to bring Spencer to the school because they had something to talk about. Or maybe it had started when he'd stepped through the portal to find Haley sitting on the couch, her shoulders tense and her thoughts in turmoil. She'd given both of them a look of such utter hurt and betrayal that Johnny had almost turned around and gone back through the portal.
"Figured we'd put the boys in the ring and let them work their issues out that way," Logan said. Johnny frowned. There was a growl in the other man's voice that told him the Wolverine was angry.
"Dad?" Spencer asked, a faint hint of worry in his voice. Johnny saw his son's gaze move from him, to Liam, to Logan, and then back again. He looked uneasy. "What's going on?"
Johnny's frown deepened. It felt like this was some kind of set up and that Spencer was the target. He didn't like the idea that Logan was targeting his son. He stepped forward, putting Spencer behind him, and crossed his arms over his chest. "Is that really necessary? I'm sure this is all some big misunderstanding."
The question made Logan stare hard at him, as if he was looking for something on his face. Finally, the man snorted and shook his head. "Ain't no misunderstanding. Spencer tried to start shit. Liam is prepared to end it. Here. Now. In a controlled environment. In a safe way."
Every word that came out of Logan's mouth came harder, with more of an edge, until it felt like the words were razor sharp and slicing Johnny down to his soul. "We don't even know what happened yesterday. No one heard anything other than Liam's threat." Johnny added a touch of heat to his words.
That earned him a snort from the other man. "You sayin' my boy threatens people fer no reason?"
The way Logan's speech slipped from normal to abrupt and clipped said that he wasn't just pissed. He was ready to 'skewer someone' pissed. Johnny wasn't sure what set him off, but he wasn't about to play games. "If it walks like a duck," Johnny replied.
"You got no idea what's goin' on here. Do ya?" the man asked.
"You have it in your head that Spencer committed some great sin against Liam and brought us here so that Liam could make good on his threat from yesterday," Johnny stated.
The other man's sigh was so deep that it seemed to come from his toes. Then his hard stare shifted from Johnny's face to where Spencer stood behind him. "Didn't tell yer dad what ya said yesterday. Did ya?"
There was silence from Spencer, prompting Johnny to turn and look at him. His son's face was a mask of defiance. But underneath it, deep in the boy's eyes, there were touches of guilt. Johnny frowned. "Spencer?"
"I wanna go home, Dad," Spencer said. His voice was even and steady. But it did nothing to hide the fear in its depths.
"Thought not," Logan responded. His words brought Johnny's attention back to the other man. His stance hadn't relaxed, but he did look like he was less inclined to do violence. Until his gaze swung back to Johnny's face and Johnny caught the full force of Logan's disgust. "And you didn't think ta ask him. Did ya?"
Johnny said nothing. Because he hadn't even considered questioning Spencer about yesterday's scuffle. The boy had been on edge ever since Haley had returned, angry about the baby she'd carried and angry about the man who'd gotten her pregnant. Johnny hadn't questioned the anger, really. He'd felt that Spencer was entitled to be upset by what had happened. God knew he was trying hard to come to terms with it. If he couldn't do it in a day, why would anyone expect Spencer to be able to?
"Tell yer uncle Johnny what Spencer said about yer ma, Liam," Logan instructed without looking away from Johnny. Johnny shifted his attention to Liam, who was glaring at Spencer with a pretty good version of his father's glare.
"He called Mum a whore who messed around on Da and happily let Uncle Remy get her pregnant," Liam replied. His voice was oddly devoid of emotion. All of the emotion that should have been in his words lived on his face.
"There has to be some mistake." Johnny couldn't believe that Spencer would say such a thing about Dare.
"Ya callin' my boy a liar now, kid?" Logan growled.
It was a rock and a hard place. If he said yes, he'd have the Wolverine to contend with. And Johnny wasn't stupid enough to think he could overpower Logan. Not even with his flames. On the other hand, if he said no, that meant he believed his son would do something horrible like that. Johnny turned to look at his son and found Spencer staring at the ground. The way he'd hunched his shoulders up around his ears was answer enough. "Spencer?"
His entire question was in his son's name. As well as hope that he was reading his boy's reaction wrong. After a moment or two, Spencer lifted his head and Johnny saw the burning anger in his eyes. And he knew the truth. "What the hell, Spencer? Why would you say that about Dare?"
"Because its true. She messed around with Remy and got pregnant despite being with Uncle Logan and that's what whores do," Spencer replied. There was defiance in his voice and in the way he held himself.
"You need to apologize, Spencer. Now." Johnny instructed. "Where did you even hear something like that? Would you talk about your mom that way? Is that what you think of her?" The boy remained stubbornly silent. It didn't take long for that silence to become uncomfortable and Johnny looked for some way to break it, for something he could say that wouldn't sound stupid or patronizing. Unfortunately, he couldn't.
Logan sighed and relaxed his stance. His gaze locked on to Spencer and pinned him in place. And when he opened his mouth, he said something Johnny was totally unprepared for. "I'm gonna tell ya something, kid. So make sure ya listen up and pay attention. Because its important." There was a moment or two of silence where it looked like Logan was debating something with himself. Then he shook his head and continued on. "Yer aunt Dare is always cranky, right?"
The question was surprising and Johnny found he wasn't sure where Logan was going with it. But a glance at Spencer told him the boy was listening. And finally, after a few moments of silent, Spencer gave a faint nod. "Yeah." The word sounded hesitant. As if Spencer expected Logan to blame that crankiness on him.
"I'm gonna tell ya now why your aunt Dare is always so cranky. Ya need ta listen carefully. Cos I ain't tellin' ya again. It ain't somethin' we talk about in polite company. Understand?" There was a feeling in the pit of Johnny's stomach that he knew where this was going and he wasn't sure he liked it one bit. But he saw Spencer nod again. There was curiousness on Spencer's face. "It's cos she's been raped. More than once."
Despite the feeling he'd had deep down, it was still surprising and dismaying to hear that statement come out of Logan's mouth. This was a conversation meant for adults. Johnny shot him a frown and motioned toward the boy standing behind him with one hand. "He's just a kid, Logan. Do you really think this is an appropriate topic for him?"
Logan snorted at that. "If he's old enough to call someone a slut, he's old enough to talk about rape." The man's eyes found Spencer again. "Ya know what that is, boy?"
Spencer stared at Logan, eyes wide. And he shook his head 'no' hard enough to send his hair flying in all directions. The expression on his face had gone from defiant but curious to mildly frightened. Johnny wasn't sure if it was because Spencer was legitimately afraid of what Logan would do or if Spencer was afraid of what his dad would do.
"It means some man forced himself on her against her will. Made her have sex with him even though she said no. She didn't have no choice in what happened to her. She couldn't fight back. Stuff like that leaves scars that ya can't see." The other man stopped speaking there, giving Spencer time to digest what he'd been told. And he was thinking on it. Johnny could tell by the look on his face. He was filled with confusion and revulsion. And the longer Spencer considered it, the more Johnny swore he saw a tear glimmering in the boy's eye.
"That's what happened to yer ma and to Jehnna and Morgan, too," Logan spoke again. His voice was oddly soft and calm for such a dark topic. Almost as if he was trying to go easy on Spencer. "And before ya go gettin' any bright ideas, lemme just tell ya that men can be raped same as women. An' rape ain't always physical. Sometimes it mental. Which is what happened to yer Uncle Remy. An' Warren an' Sam. An' Scott. What happened when they were gone ain't any o' their faults. All the blame fer this mess rests on Sinister's shoulders. He's the one ya aughta be mad at. He's the one responsible fer it all."
At the end of his speech, Logan's gaze shifted Johnny's way. And it pinned him in place. Just for a moment. Then he looked away and sought out Spencer again.
"Yer aunt Dare didn't ask for none o' this shit to happen. Yer ma didn't, either. None of them asked fer it. Ain't a one o' them that wanted ta do this. That's what rape is." There was almost tenderness in the other man's voice when he finished speaking. He looked less tense, at least. Even Liam seemed less intense than he had been when they'd walked in. "Ya understand what I'm sayin', boy?"
To his credit, Spencer didn't answer right away. He looked as if he was thinking over everything he'd been told. Finally, after several moments, he shifted his attention toward Logan and nodded. Hesitantly. "I think so."
"You don't understand anything, you talk to yer dad. Okay? Ask him questions."
"Yes, Uncle Logan." Spencer replied.
"And another thing, kid. Ain't no such thing as a slut or a whore. Those are words used by people who might be just a little too prudish for their own good. Men like ta use it when a woman turns `em down. Some women use it because they think there's somethin' wrong with sleepin' with more than one person. That's their problem. So mebbe be careful when ya start callin' someone a slut or a whore."
"Okay," Spencer nodded.
Johnny stared a moment, more than certain that there was a lesson in all this for him. Particularly in that last part. Maybe he was being unreasonable about everything. But he didn't think Logan understood just how much it hurt to have Haley stare at someone else with love in her eyes and on her face. He and Dare weren't married. Hell, they weren't even exclusive. Thinking about Haley and Scott made his heart ache. Made his stomach knot up. Made everything hurt. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to get past all that.
It was all too much. Haley and Scott and Emilia and what that meant for his relationship with Haley. For their family. It was just... too much. He didn't have the energy to think about all of that right now. So he shoved it aside and brought his focus back to the here and now. "So what happens now, Logan? Are they still going to fight it out?"
For a moment, he expected Logan to insist on the two of them sparring. In a move that surprised him, Logan turned to face Liam. "What do ya say, Liam? Ya wanna fight Spencer?"
Liam stared across the distance at Spencer, still paiitally hidden behind Johnny. After several long moments, he sighed and shook his head. "No, Da. I don't want to fight him. Despite the stupid things he says, he's my friend."
Logan nodded at that. "All right. Why don't ya get rid of yer gear and the two of you can go play video games or somethin'."
"Okay, Da," Liam replied. There was a smile on his face and what sounded like joy in his voice. Somehow, and Johnny wasn't sure how, Liam removed his boxing gloves and the head gear by himself. The equipment was left on the floor of the ring when Liam climbed out of it. "Come on, Spencer. I got a new game I want to show you!"
"Okay!" Spencer responded, sounding excited and much less melancholy than he had in a week or more. He eagerly followed after Liam. Johnny let out a breath of air in relief. Things had looked bad when they'd walked in. Maybe it wouldn't be so terrible now.
The boys had almost reached the door when Logan's voice stopped them both. "And you boys better apologize to one another! Understand me?"
"Yes, Da!"
"I understand, Uncle Logan."
"Good. You boys go play now," he told them. Johnny and Logan both watched them head out of the gym. It was almost as if nothing had happened between them at all. When Johnny turned to look at Logan, mouth open to ask a question, the words died on his lips when he saw the calculating look on the other man's face. That didn't bode well.
"Now. While our boys are off playin' and makin' up," Logan said as he started across the floor toward Johnny, a decidedly predatory gleam in his eye and in his walk. Johnny had the urge to run. "You an' me are gonna talk."
Well, crap.
~*~
The near silence in the room was soothing after the stress of the past twenty-four hours. The thing with the kids yesterday had been a lot. And then there'd been the almost-fight between Spencer and Liam. That had been a thing to turn heads. And surprising, too. Dealing with that had been something of a pain in the ass. But it had needed to be done. Spencer'd obviously had some really twisted ideas floating around that head of his. This... Sitting in the medlab in the near dark, listening to the soft sound of her breaths and the slow, steady thump of her heart, was calming. A balm to help soothe his battered soul.
His gaze sought her out for what had to be the thousandth time, finding she'd only shifted her head on the pillow. When he'd come in, her face had been turned away from where the chair was positioned. Now, she'd turned her head so that his gaze could trace the gentle curve of her cheek. So that he could study the way her eyelashes fanned against her pale skin. And so that he could memorize the plump flesh of her pink lips, parted ever so slightly in her sleep.
God, she was beautiful. He was struck by the thought, just as he was every time he did this. And he'd watched her sleep so many times over the years. He'd lain in bed next to her and simply stared, unable to fathom how he'd gotten so lucky. Unable to decipher what it was that had attracted her to him. She could have left him so many times. Should have left him. She was worthy of more than what she had with him. He always felt like she'd settled for less than what was rightfully hers.
But she'd never once given him the impression she would leave. Hell, she'd never once made an attempt. She'd stayed at his side and given him five amazing children. And it was five. Dee was his. Didn't matter that it wasn't his blood in her veins. She was his. He didn't love her any less than his other children.
His thoughts were brought to a halt when Dare drew a deep breath and let it out again. He waited a moment to see if anything more was coming, but she remained still and asleep. And, once more, he let his gaze travel over the contours of her face so that he could commit every line and arc to memory. And, again, he couldn't help but marvel over the fact that she was his. Over how beautiful she was.
And over how perfect she was.
He couldn't say when he'd first thought that. Maybe as far back as that disastrous Danger Room session when she'd lost control for just a second and had scorched his balls for him. He shouldn't have been thinking those thoughts about her. She'd been a scared kid back then, barely aware of her looks and how they could get her anything she wanted. She'd been lean then like she was now, with generous curves and a clear complexion. Throw in long hair as black and as glossy as a raven's wing and large grey eyes that could go from sweet and innocent to dark and angry in a flash and she was a mixture of girl next door and ethereal beauty.
Over the years, he'd watched her grow into herself. Watched her find confidence. Watched her open to her friends and become part of something bigger. He'd seen her mature and grow and become a woman. He'd seen her open her heart to Remy and have it broken. He'd seen her open to him. He'd seen her fight tooth and nail to take her place in a world that she felt had pushed her aside and forgotten about her.
She was courageous and strong, even when she was scared. She was feminine and soft, even when she was hard. She was everything. She was his. And she was goddamned perfect.
The faint sound of her heart beating a little faster pushed his thoughts aside. The shallower sounds of her breath told him she was waking. He waited quietly for her to open her eyes. Hank had warned him that he likely wouldn't get a chance to talk to her. She'd been sleeping pretty solidly since after the surgery. So he'd sat in silence and hoped he'd get a chance to tell her he loved her before she pulled in on herself again. Because he knew, the moment she was fully cognizant of what was going on around her, she would try to push them all away again.
He knew when she came as fully awake as possible. He heard the faint intake of breath that told him so. And then she was struggling with the blankets, trying to push them back as if she meant to get out of bed. He reached out and took hold of the nearest hand. "Hey, hey, hey... Stop moving, darlin'. You're supposed to be recovering. "
His words saw her stilling and her eyes blinked open slowly. She looked at him and he could see that she wasn't completely there. No doubt the pain killers Hank had her on. It had only been a couple days since the surgery. No doubt he was keeping her as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. "Logan?" Her voice was soft and scratchy, rough with lack of use. It was still the best thing he'd heard in more than a week.
He lifted the hand he held, pressed a kiss to it. "Yeah, darlin'. Its me." His words saw her eyes well up until big, fat tears slid down her cheeks. He used his free hand to reach up and wipe the moisture from her cheeks. "Don't cry, sweetheart. You know I hate it when you cry."
She didn't stop crying. The tears came just came faster. "Oh, gods. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Her words were thick and wet and it took him a minute to figure out what she'd said. He knew without asking why she was apologizing.
"You ain't got nothing to be sorry for, Dare," he said gently. The hand that had been wiping tears away took a moment or two to stroke the curve of her cheek before brushing back the wisps of hair that floated around her face. His touch was soft and gentle, things that he was not. That made her cry all the harder. "I promise, darlin'. There ain't nothin' to be sorry for."
"But I fucked up. I fucked everything up and I hurt you," she hiccupped. "You and everyone else."
"It's okay, darling. There ain't nothing to apologize for. Don't cry, sweetheart. It's okay. Everything will be okay," he reassured her. She turned her face away, burying it in the pillow as best she could. The tears kept falling. His nose was flooded with the scent of her grief and her guilt and it was painful. Of course she blamed herself for all of it. Never mind she'd been manipulated by Sinister. Just like everyone else had been manipulated by Sinister. "Dare. This ain't your fault. If you wanna blame someone, blame Sinister. He's the reason all this happened."
"I'm the one who shut you out," she sobbed, her voice already hoarse.
"You were reactin' to the trauma, darlin'," he replied gently. She made a noise at the back of her throat and it took him a few seconds to realize that it was a laugh, rough and harsh and scoffing. Because she didn't believe him. And he knew, no matter how many times he told her, she wouldn't believe him. Even before he could formulate what he was going to say next, her head rolled across the pillow so that she could look him in the eye. And he could see it there, in her gaze, what she was going to say next.
"You need to stop making excuses for my stupidity, Logan," she responded. The tears had mostly dried and, without them, he could hear in her words how despondent she was. "You're too nice and I don't deserve that. I don't deserve you."
How he hated hearing her say that. Why did she always take everything back to what she felt she did and didn't deserve? She was one of the most deserving people he knew. She'd been through so much and, no matter how much life tried to beat her down, she kept going and kept fighting. She gave so much of herself to her friends and her family. And she took nothing for herself. "You deserve the world, darlin' You deserve more than I can give you. If ya want the truth, I don't deserve you."
"You... What?" she asked, obviously caught off guard by his statement. The hand holding hers tightened its grip because he knew, without having to think about it, that she would try to pull it from his hold. Soon. In response to the things that had been tumbling around his head since he'd walked into the medlab earlier.
Logan took a breath and pinned her with a stare. One that had her instantly trying to tug her hand out of his. "We've been together a long time, Dare. And its obvious that I ain't done right by ya. You've been through so much trauma since we got together. You shoulda fallen apart. But ya didn't. You stuffed all that shit down an' kept goin'. I shoulda seen what it was doin' to ya. But I figured things were okay because you got back up and kept goin' after each one."
"Stop," she whispered, desperately trying to pull her hand from his hold.
"But I was wrong, darlin'. I was wrong. You needed help and I shoulda given it to ya. Why didn't ya tell me you were drownin', Dare? Why didn't you come to me? Don't ya trust me?" he asked, voice low and steady. Even though it felt like his entire world was crashing down around his head. "Don't ya love me anymore, sweetheart?"
Silence fell between them, painful and uncomfortable. Dare's eyes were large in her face, dark with her inner turmoil. She kept trying to pull her hand free, but there was little strength in her attempts. And the tears were back, fat droplets that rolled without care down her cheeks. "Let me go," she whispered, trying hard to escape him. Trying hard to run away yet again.
"Dare. Darlin'," he said, his voice as gentle as he'd ever managed to make it, and lifted her hand up to kiss it once more. This was it. This was the one thing that would see her fall apart and shatter. Unchecked tenderness and concern. Goddamn it, he didn't want to be the one who broke her. Every terrible thing she'd survived and it was his love that was going to see her break. "You can't keep runnin'. You've been runnin' since you were a kid. Its time to stop. Please, sweetheart. Please stop running."
"Let me go." This time, her words were a plea. There was so much desperation in them. So much fear.
"If that's what ya want, Dare. I'll let you go. I'll step back and give you the freedom ya want."
Those three sentences stopped her cold and she stared at him, eyes wide with the understanding dawning in them. She knew the truth he hadn't said. If he let her go now, he'd walk away and he'd never come back. It wasn't fair to put that on her yet. Not when she was still recovering. But he had to make her understand. She couldn't keep pushing him away. Couldn't keep pushing her family away. One day, she'd push and get what she wanted. She'd be alone because everyone would walk away.
In a single beat of her heart, all of the fight went out of her. The hand he held went limp while her eyes rolled up so that she stared at the ceiling. The tears kept rolling down her cheeks and he saw the way her lower lip trembled. There was no emotion coming off her and, for a moment, Logan was afraid she'd put that wall up again. So it surprised him that the link was still wide open when he checked it.
"Dare?" he asked, fear climbing up the back of his neck. Fear that he'd broken what little bit of fight she'd had left. Fear that he'd made things that much worse.
"I understand," she whispered, voice as empty as her face. As she felt. "You don't love me anymore. I'm sorry you got stuck with me. I'll... " Her words trailed off on a sob and her eyelids slid closed.
"No, darlin'. Don't think I don't love ya. Don't ever think that," he said, voice emphatic and sharp. He tightened his grip on her hand. Wrapped his free hand around their joined ones for good measure. "I've loved ya every day we've been together and even before. I told ya before and I'll tell ya again. I ain't never gonna stop loving you. There ain't nothin' you can do to make me stop lovin' ya. But you gotta stop running, honey. You gotta stop and let us in."
She was silent far too long. She hadn't stopped crying and she still felt withdrawn. Anxiety ate at his belly and he wondered if he'd made things worse by being so honest with her. There wasn't anything he could do about that now. The only thing left was to make her understand that he loved her and he was there for her. They all were.
"Listen to me, Dare. You gotta stop pushing everyone away. Or you're gonna get what you want. You'll be all alone. Yer friends? They all love ya. Ya got Remy all twisted up about ya. Morgan, too. Haley is beside herself with worry over you. Hell, even Summers is filled with worry. You have to let us help you. This shit is poisoning you, darlin'. And if you're not careful, it'll poison everyone and everything you love. You got to let us in, Dare. Let us in and let us help you."
The last of his statement came out as a rough plea, filled with hope and worry and fear. And it got him no response at all. She just laid there, lifeless and still as a doll. The thing in his chest that was supposed to be his heart cracked open and filled him with sour grief and bitter regret. He'd fucked everything up. She was slipping away and it was his fault. How was he supposed to be whole if she left him? How was he supposed to live without her in his life?
He let his head drop forward, hid his face from any prying eyes that might come along, and let the bitterness fill him. She was the best thing he'd ever had and he'd lost her. He'd thought the pain he'd felt at her death was the worst thing he'd ever felt in his life. But he was wrong. The pain at losing her when she was right there... That was so much worse.
"I'm scared." The words startled him out of his thoughts. He wasn't sure how much time had passed since he'd last spoken, but it had to have been several minutes because her voice lacked the wetness of her tears. It was soft, though, as if saying such a thing was a fate worse than death and she didn't want anyone else to hear her. When he lifted his head, she was staring at him. Her eyes were the softest, palest shade of grey they'd been in the entire time he'd known her. When she saw him looking at her, her fingers tightened around his. Just a little bit.
"I know ya are, darlin'. But I'm here for ya. And so is everyone else. I promise we'll help ya," he assured her. She offered him a nod and a faint smile touched her lips. Then her hand was limp again and he heard the way her heart and breathing slowed. Sleep had come for her again. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her hand. "Sleep easy, darlin. I'll be here when ya wake up again."
"Mmmm. Love you, Logan." Her words were filled with affection, and the warmth in them filled his chest with hope.
Chapter Thirty Seven: Lessons
Fandom: the Marvel universe
Rating: 18 and up
Warnings: graphic violence, language, sex, dark themes, anything else i can toss in.
Disclaimer: the recognizable characters and places contained herein are the property of Marvel. i'm merely borrowing for the sake of entertainment. no money is being made from this venture. Haley belongs to
dazzledfirestar Morgan belongs toginevra Roxxy belongs tonanaeanaven Jehnna belongs to silverfox_chan and Dare belongs to me. the concept and title of The Mary Sue Virus are used with permission from dazzledfirestar . Author's Notes: this is almost entirely Daz's fault. okay. so it really isn't. its actually almost 100% my fault. Daz just did a whole lot of encouraging. this fic is going to be kind of dark, so please keep that in mind while reading.
Among the Strong - the index
Scott stared at the report in front of him without really seeing it. He'd told Jean he was going to go do some work in his office. There was always work to do. There were always reports to either read over or write. Someone, and he felt certain that someone was Storm, had cobbled together a temporary team from the X-Men who hadn't been grabbed by Sinister and there had been a couple of minor missions while he and the others had been gone. So he hadn't technically told Jean a lie.
In truth, however, he wasn't getting much work done. Coming down to his office had been an excuse to get away from Jean's stare and the silent weight of her disapproval. His belief that she knew what was going on grew daily. If that was true, it was only a matter of time before she lost her patience and her temper. He didn't like what things might look like, should that come to pass. Some corner of his brain was trying very hard to find a way to prevent it from ever happening.
Sighing, Scott pushed his glasses up so that he could rub at his eyes. Today had been a very obvious disaster. What should have been fun and informative for Purple Team's children had turned into a nightmare. And it had been his fault. His presence at the event had proven a bad idea. He never should have gone. But some part of his mind had told him that Haley would need him. That Emilia would need him. And, if he was being honest, he'd wanted to be near both of them. That desire had translated into trouble for Haley.
Just thinking about her made his heart ache. Just a little. She'd been on edge the moment she'd walked into the room with her kids in tow and that feeling had only ramped up as the minutes had ticked by. The tension she'd been hiding behind a faint smile had almost given him a headache. And then had come Cassie.
She was very much her mother's daughter. He would give her that. Now, after everything had settled, he could smile at the image of her staring him down, hands on her hips as she waited for him to answer her question. She'd looked so much like Haley and it had reminded him of the times the two of them had clashed over missions or her team. But Cassie's question had disturbed the fragile peace that had filled the room. And it had done so much damage to his already damaged relationship with Haley.
There was no denying she'd felt a faint flutter of hope when Cassie had demanded her answers. Scott would have been an idiot to have not noticed. And then he'd felt that flutter of hope die the moment he'd given Cassie an answer. He'd wanted to take Haley aside and explain why he'd said that. But she'd started putting up walls and barriers before he'd even gotten to the last word of his statement. And he'd known that she wouldn't have listened to any of it.
Damn it. Why had Cassie needed to be so interested in their relationship? And why had he said what he'd said? Why hadn't he just told the girl the truth? He'd considered it. He'd considered adding to his statement and telling Cassie that, yes. He loved her mother. But that would have only made more problems. Then it had become a moot point when Liam had damn near knocked Spencer on his ass. He wasn't sure what Haley's oldest had said to Liam about Dare, but he knew Spencer was lucky because Liam's temper was a mix of both his mother's and his father's tempers. He supposed they should count themselves lucky that Liam hadn't hit puberty yet. There was no telling what kind of mutation the kid was going to end up with.
Scott's thoughts were on the verge of spinning far, far out of control. But there came a knock at his door, and that was enough to pull him away from the edge. He took a breath, sat up straighter, and put his game face on. "Its open."
The door opened wide and allowed Warren to step into the cluttered confines of his office. Scott watched the other man a moment, took note of how Warren's eyes studied him intently. It looked almost like the frown he'd come through the door wearing got a little heavier. Then the door shut behind him, leaving the two men alone in the uncomfortable silence of Scott's office. Finally, Warren took a seat in one of the chairs across the desk, the tightness in his shoulders and his spine telling Scott this wasn't going to be a social visit.
"Warren. You look as bad as I feel," Scott said in greeting.
The blonde huffed a faint laugh and shook his head. "Haley?" he asked.
"Haley. Cassie. Spencer. The whole damn mess," Scott admitted.
"Its a lot for them, Scott. Surely you can see that," Warren replied, voice oddly gentle.
Scott made a noise in the back of his throat and sat back in his chair, putting his head back so that he could stare at the ceiling. "I know. Spencer's anger is understandable. On some level, he knows what happened. He no doubt thinks I'm trying to replace his dad. And Cassie... She was trying to feel me out and get the lay of the land. I should have phrased my answer differently. I made it sound like I was going to walk away from Haley and Emilia."
"Look, Scott," Warren began, sitting forward in his seat. Scott could feel the other man's gaze on him, but he didn't look away from the ceiling. All he could see in his head was Haley's face and the moment the hope in her eyes died. "Cassie put you in a tight spot. There was no right or wrong answer to her question. You gave her the best answer you could. You didn't lie. That is absolutely the way you deal with a situation like that."
"Haley's already started pulling away," Scott admitted. If he was being honest, she'd started pulling away during that disastrous first meeting with her children. Spencer had been mad then. Cassie had been demanding. And Johnny had given the impression he hated both Haley and Scott. He'd wanted to take his own swing at the hothead, but he'd kept his urges in check. He hadn't wanted to upset Haley. Fat lot of good that had done him.
"Haley is confused, Scott. She loves you. She loves Johnny. And she feels like she's got to do this all on her own. Johnny is being distant because he can't process his own feelings. And you've got Jean to deal with. If you pay Haley too much attention, Jean will absolutely take notice. We do not need those two coming to blows. It would not be pretty." Warren offered a soft laugh at the end of his statement. Scott didn't find it amusing. Jean would do everything in her power to hurt Haley. Pretty was not a word he'd use to describe any kind of meeting between Haley and Jean.
"I'm more than willing to be there for her," Scott replied.
"And have you told her this, Scott? Have you let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you love her and you want to be part of her life?" Warren's question did and didn't come out of left field. The other man was more than just another pretty face. Behind those baby blues, under the head of glowing blonde hair, was a sharp mind. Scott had no doubt Warren had been paying attention to everything and everyone around him.
So Warren's question saw Scott sink into thought. He thought about their captivity together and all the times their conversation had turned toward returning home. He couldn't recall, in that whole year, ever once mentioning their life together when they got back. Of course he recalled telling her, once they'd returned, that he wouldn't leave her. And then he'd promptly left her because Jean had showed up. He'd told her he loved her when Emilia was born. But that was really all he'd given her. No assurances about their future together. Nothing to let her know that he was as committed to her and Emilia as she needed him to be.
It was on the tip of his tongue to mention that he'd said nothing and he was a huge, glaring failure in the partner department when Warren spoke before he could. The other man's voice was soft and contemplative, with the faintest traces of guilt. "You know, I keep thinking I should have tried harder to salvage my marriage to Jehnna. We spent ten years together, had beautiful children together. She was everything I thought I wanted. But then I see her with Sam... It twists something in my guts every time and I just force myself to smile through it all and act like I'm not all torn up inside."
Scott frowned. This didn't sound like it had anything to do with Scott's current problems. And yet...
An intense blue gaze found his face then. Warren wore an expression that was just as intense, and filled with thoughts and feelings that Scott normally didn't see there. "Thing is, we're not the same people that Sinister kidnapped. We've changed because of it. And that means the things we want have changed, too. Morgan showed me there's more to be had in this life. There's more I want. I don't want Jehnna any less. I just want more than she's capable of giving me. I still love her and I always will. But she can't fill all my needs and I can't punish her for that. No more than I can punish her for finding things with Sam that she obviously couldn't find with me."
Those words hit Scott square in the chest with all the force of one of Logan's fists. For a moment, Scott couldn't breathe as Warren's words sank in. He loved Jean. He loved Haley. Jean was smart and beautiful. So was Haley. But that was where the similarities tapered off. Haley was warm and soft in private. Jean tended to come off cold and hard. Haley had given him the one thing he'd wanted most in life. Something Jean hadn't. Scott frowned. Was it really that simple?
His gaze found Warren's again, took note of the sadness that lingered in the man's eyes. There was a reason Warren had sought him out and Scott was certain that schooling his friend on his love life was not the reason. Sighing softly, he eased back in his chair and gave the other man his full attention. "What's wrong?" he asked, his tone as gentle as it ever got.
"There's something wrong with Jehnna," Warren said. The words tumbled out like they'd been lingering on the tip of his tongue, waiting for the right moment to make their appearance. Scott frowned at that.
"How do you mean? She seemed fine earlier."
Warren heaved a sigh and shook his head before scrubbing his hands over his face. "I went to see her a little bit ago. To make sure she was okay. She looked tired this afternoon. I was worried."
"I understand. What happened today was really a lot." Scott fell silent and made a motion with his hand to indicate Warren should continue. He watched as his long-time friend sagged back against his chair, his expression edged with confusion. It was one of the few times Scott could remember Warren looking so lost.
"She said some things today... Things I can't just brush aside as the exhaustion talking," Warren told him. "She feels certain that Liam was in the wrong with regard to how he behaved toward Spencer. When I pointed out that Spencer said something disrespectful about Dare, she brushed it aside with a comment about how we all know Dare's been whoring it up for years. She believes that Johnny and Spencer are both the injured parties in this whole mess and seems ignorant of the fact that she's as guilty of falling in love with someone else as Haley or any one of us."
Scott frowned at that. "That doesn't sound at all like the Jehnna we've all come to know," he commented.
"It doesn't. And it gets worse. After I made mention that none of us wanted to do any of the things that happened, that we were forced to do it all and it wasn't our faults, she seemed to come to her senses and she agreed. Which is what Jehnna would normally have done. She can be a little clueless sometimes, but she's never intentionally been cruel. Not toward any of her friends or anyone else. So this whole event has me worried."
Scott nodded, his mind turning over what he'd just learned. "You think its something to do with Sinister?" he asked quietly.
"Maybe?" Warren responded. He didn't sound sure about any of it. "I'm worried that the trauma is more than she can handle. That its somehow fractured her psyche. Jehnna is a gentle soul. I'm amazed that the things she's seen while on missions with Purple Team haven't done such things already. Its like some bizarre kind of paranoia or something."
Scott frowned. For a moment, he considered talking to Jehnna himself, to see just how bad things were. But he quickly put the idea aside. If Jehnna was laying blame at people's feet for what had happened, he felt it was likely she'd do the same with him. Which left him with a couple of options. "Someone needs to assess her mental state. As I see it, the best possible choices are Hank, since he's her primary physician, or the professor with or without Jean. Their telepathy would be of benefit trying to figure out what's going on with her."
"I considered Henry. But he's got so much on his plate. Dare's still in the medlab, there are four new babies to be monitored, and he's still fretting over Roxxy. I didn't want to add more to his already heavy load."
"I'm sure Hank would be quick to point out its his job to ensure all team members are physically and psychologically ready for missions. We know she's off duty for six weeks because of Talia. But if her mental state isn't good, that means I'll have to step in and bench her longer. And that mean someone needs to check on her. Hank is the best option because of his insight and his bedside manner." Scott wouldn't mention that he didn't really trust Xavier or Jean as far as he could blast them. And he could blast them pretty damn far.
Warren nodded his head. "I'll leave it up to your discretion, Scott."
"Good," Scott returned. Silence settled around them comfortably after that. Warren didn't seem in a rush to leave and, if he was being honest, Scott enjoyed having the other man's company. It wasn't often he got to simply spend time with his friends. The life of an X-Man didn't always allow for lazy days. It was nice, for once, to simply sit in the same room with an old friend and just... exist.
"Now," Warren said, and the look on his face told Scott that the quiet peace was at an end. "What are you going to do about Jean? And Haley?"
Well, hell. It was going to be one of those nights.
~*~
"What's all this, Logan?" Johnny asked, confusion thick in his words as he took in the gym around him. Also the fact that Liam had boxing gloves and protective head gear on. The boy stood in the center of an actual boxing ring. Logan waited outside of the ring, a stogie clenched between his teeth and a dark expression on his face. The man had his arms crossed over his chest, meaning it was impossible for Johnny to ignore the way his muscles bulged. He looked as if he was in a fine mood, which gave Johnny a bad feeling about the whole thing.
Of course, maybe that bad feeling had started when Logan had contacted him and asked him to bring Spencer to the school because they had something to talk about. Or maybe it had started when he'd stepped through the portal to find Haley sitting on the couch, her shoulders tense and her thoughts in turmoil. She'd given both of them a look of such utter hurt and betrayal that Johnny had almost turned around and gone back through the portal.
"Figured we'd put the boys in the ring and let them work their issues out that way," Logan said. Johnny frowned. There was a growl in the other man's voice that told him the Wolverine was angry.
"Dad?" Spencer asked, a faint hint of worry in his voice. Johnny saw his son's gaze move from him, to Liam, to Logan, and then back again. He looked uneasy. "What's going on?"
Johnny's frown deepened. It felt like this was some kind of set up and that Spencer was the target. He didn't like the idea that Logan was targeting his son. He stepped forward, putting Spencer behind him, and crossed his arms over his chest. "Is that really necessary? I'm sure this is all some big misunderstanding."
The question made Logan stare hard at him, as if he was looking for something on his face. Finally, the man snorted and shook his head. "Ain't no misunderstanding. Spencer tried to start shit. Liam is prepared to end it. Here. Now. In a controlled environment. In a safe way."
Every word that came out of Logan's mouth came harder, with more of an edge, until it felt like the words were razor sharp and slicing Johnny down to his soul. "We don't even know what happened yesterday. No one heard anything other than Liam's threat." Johnny added a touch of heat to his words.
That earned him a snort from the other man. "You sayin' my boy threatens people fer no reason?"
The way Logan's speech slipped from normal to abrupt and clipped said that he wasn't just pissed. He was ready to 'skewer someone' pissed. Johnny wasn't sure what set him off, but he wasn't about to play games. "If it walks like a duck," Johnny replied.
"You got no idea what's goin' on here. Do ya?" the man asked.
"You have it in your head that Spencer committed some great sin against Liam and brought us here so that Liam could make good on his threat from yesterday," Johnny stated.
The other man's sigh was so deep that it seemed to come from his toes. Then his hard stare shifted from Johnny's face to where Spencer stood behind him. "Didn't tell yer dad what ya said yesterday. Did ya?"
There was silence from Spencer, prompting Johnny to turn and look at him. His son's face was a mask of defiance. But underneath it, deep in the boy's eyes, there were touches of guilt. Johnny frowned. "Spencer?"
"I wanna go home, Dad," Spencer said. His voice was even and steady. But it did nothing to hide the fear in its depths.
"Thought not," Logan responded. His words brought Johnny's attention back to the other man. His stance hadn't relaxed, but he did look like he was less inclined to do violence. Until his gaze swung back to Johnny's face and Johnny caught the full force of Logan's disgust. "And you didn't think ta ask him. Did ya?"
Johnny said nothing. Because he hadn't even considered questioning Spencer about yesterday's scuffle. The boy had been on edge ever since Haley had returned, angry about the baby she'd carried and angry about the man who'd gotten her pregnant. Johnny hadn't questioned the anger, really. He'd felt that Spencer was entitled to be upset by what had happened. God knew he was trying hard to come to terms with it. If he couldn't do it in a day, why would anyone expect Spencer to be able to?
"Tell yer uncle Johnny what Spencer said about yer ma, Liam," Logan instructed without looking away from Johnny. Johnny shifted his attention to Liam, who was glaring at Spencer with a pretty good version of his father's glare.
"He called Mum a whore who messed around on Da and happily let Uncle Remy get her pregnant," Liam replied. His voice was oddly devoid of emotion. All of the emotion that should have been in his words lived on his face.
"There has to be some mistake." Johnny couldn't believe that Spencer would say such a thing about Dare.
"Ya callin' my boy a liar now, kid?" Logan growled.
It was a rock and a hard place. If he said yes, he'd have the Wolverine to contend with. And Johnny wasn't stupid enough to think he could overpower Logan. Not even with his flames. On the other hand, if he said no, that meant he believed his son would do something horrible like that. Johnny turned to look at his son and found Spencer staring at the ground. The way he'd hunched his shoulders up around his ears was answer enough. "Spencer?"
His entire question was in his son's name. As well as hope that he was reading his boy's reaction wrong. After a moment or two, Spencer lifted his head and Johnny saw the burning anger in his eyes. And he knew the truth. "What the hell, Spencer? Why would you say that about Dare?"
"Because its true. She messed around with Remy and got pregnant despite being with Uncle Logan and that's what whores do," Spencer replied. There was defiance in his voice and in the way he held himself.
"You need to apologize, Spencer. Now." Johnny instructed. "Where did you even hear something like that? Would you talk about your mom that way? Is that what you think of her?" The boy remained stubbornly silent. It didn't take long for that silence to become uncomfortable and Johnny looked for some way to break it, for something he could say that wouldn't sound stupid or patronizing. Unfortunately, he couldn't.
Logan sighed and relaxed his stance. His gaze locked on to Spencer and pinned him in place. And when he opened his mouth, he said something Johnny was totally unprepared for. "I'm gonna tell ya something, kid. So make sure ya listen up and pay attention. Because its important." There was a moment or two of silence where it looked like Logan was debating something with himself. Then he shook his head and continued on. "Yer aunt Dare is always cranky, right?"
The question was surprising and Johnny found he wasn't sure where Logan was going with it. But a glance at Spencer told him the boy was listening. And finally, after a few moments of silent, Spencer gave a faint nod. "Yeah." The word sounded hesitant. As if Spencer expected Logan to blame that crankiness on him.
"I'm gonna tell ya now why your aunt Dare is always so cranky. Ya need ta listen carefully. Cos I ain't tellin' ya again. It ain't somethin' we talk about in polite company. Understand?" There was a feeling in the pit of Johnny's stomach that he knew where this was going and he wasn't sure he liked it one bit. But he saw Spencer nod again. There was curiousness on Spencer's face. "It's cos she's been raped. More than once."
Despite the feeling he'd had deep down, it was still surprising and dismaying to hear that statement come out of Logan's mouth. This was a conversation meant for adults. Johnny shot him a frown and motioned toward the boy standing behind him with one hand. "He's just a kid, Logan. Do you really think this is an appropriate topic for him?"
Logan snorted at that. "If he's old enough to call someone a slut, he's old enough to talk about rape." The man's eyes found Spencer again. "Ya know what that is, boy?"
Spencer stared at Logan, eyes wide. And he shook his head 'no' hard enough to send his hair flying in all directions. The expression on his face had gone from defiant but curious to mildly frightened. Johnny wasn't sure if it was because Spencer was legitimately afraid of what Logan would do or if Spencer was afraid of what his dad would do.
"It means some man forced himself on her against her will. Made her have sex with him even though she said no. She didn't have no choice in what happened to her. She couldn't fight back. Stuff like that leaves scars that ya can't see." The other man stopped speaking there, giving Spencer time to digest what he'd been told. And he was thinking on it. Johnny could tell by the look on his face. He was filled with confusion and revulsion. And the longer Spencer considered it, the more Johnny swore he saw a tear glimmering in the boy's eye.
"That's what happened to yer ma and to Jehnna and Morgan, too," Logan spoke again. His voice was oddly soft and calm for such a dark topic. Almost as if he was trying to go easy on Spencer. "And before ya go gettin' any bright ideas, lemme just tell ya that men can be raped same as women. An' rape ain't always physical. Sometimes it mental. Which is what happened to yer Uncle Remy. An' Warren an' Sam. An' Scott. What happened when they were gone ain't any o' their faults. All the blame fer this mess rests on Sinister's shoulders. He's the one ya aughta be mad at. He's the one responsible fer it all."
At the end of his speech, Logan's gaze shifted Johnny's way. And it pinned him in place. Just for a moment. Then he looked away and sought out Spencer again.
"Yer aunt Dare didn't ask for none o' this shit to happen. Yer ma didn't, either. None of them asked fer it. Ain't a one o' them that wanted ta do this. That's what rape is." There was almost tenderness in the other man's voice when he finished speaking. He looked less tense, at least. Even Liam seemed less intense than he had been when they'd walked in. "Ya understand what I'm sayin', boy?"
To his credit, Spencer didn't answer right away. He looked as if he was thinking over everything he'd been told. Finally, after several moments, he shifted his attention toward Logan and nodded. Hesitantly. "I think so."
"You don't understand anything, you talk to yer dad. Okay? Ask him questions."
"Yes, Uncle Logan." Spencer replied.
"And another thing, kid. Ain't no such thing as a slut or a whore. Those are words used by people who might be just a little too prudish for their own good. Men like ta use it when a woman turns `em down. Some women use it because they think there's somethin' wrong with sleepin' with more than one person. That's their problem. So mebbe be careful when ya start callin' someone a slut or a whore."
"Okay," Spencer nodded.
Johnny stared a moment, more than certain that there was a lesson in all this for him. Particularly in that last part. Maybe he was being unreasonable about everything. But he didn't think Logan understood just how much it hurt to have Haley stare at someone else with love in her eyes and on her face. He and Dare weren't married. Hell, they weren't even exclusive. Thinking about Haley and Scott made his heart ache. Made his stomach knot up. Made everything hurt. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to get past all that.
It was all too much. Haley and Scott and Emilia and what that meant for his relationship with Haley. For their family. It was just... too much. He didn't have the energy to think about all of that right now. So he shoved it aside and brought his focus back to the here and now. "So what happens now, Logan? Are they still going to fight it out?"
For a moment, he expected Logan to insist on the two of them sparring. In a move that surprised him, Logan turned to face Liam. "What do ya say, Liam? Ya wanna fight Spencer?"
Liam stared across the distance at Spencer, still paiitally hidden behind Johnny. After several long moments, he sighed and shook his head. "No, Da. I don't want to fight him. Despite the stupid things he says, he's my friend."
Logan nodded at that. "All right. Why don't ya get rid of yer gear and the two of you can go play video games or somethin'."
"Okay, Da," Liam replied. There was a smile on his face and what sounded like joy in his voice. Somehow, and Johnny wasn't sure how, Liam removed his boxing gloves and the head gear by himself. The equipment was left on the floor of the ring when Liam climbed out of it. "Come on, Spencer. I got a new game I want to show you!"
"Okay!" Spencer responded, sounding excited and much less melancholy than he had in a week or more. He eagerly followed after Liam. Johnny let out a breath of air in relief. Things had looked bad when they'd walked in. Maybe it wouldn't be so terrible now.
The boys had almost reached the door when Logan's voice stopped them both. "And you boys better apologize to one another! Understand me?"
"Yes, Da!"
"I understand, Uncle Logan."
"Good. You boys go play now," he told them. Johnny and Logan both watched them head out of the gym. It was almost as if nothing had happened between them at all. When Johnny turned to look at Logan, mouth open to ask a question, the words died on his lips when he saw the calculating look on the other man's face. That didn't bode well.
"Now. While our boys are off playin' and makin' up," Logan said as he started across the floor toward Johnny, a decidedly predatory gleam in his eye and in his walk. Johnny had the urge to run. "You an' me are gonna talk."
Well, crap.
~*~
The near silence in the room was soothing after the stress of the past twenty-four hours. The thing with the kids yesterday had been a lot. And then there'd been the almost-fight between Spencer and Liam. That had been a thing to turn heads. And surprising, too. Dealing with that had been something of a pain in the ass. But it had needed to be done. Spencer'd obviously had some really twisted ideas floating around that head of his. This... Sitting in the medlab in the near dark, listening to the soft sound of her breaths and the slow, steady thump of her heart, was calming. A balm to help soothe his battered soul.
His gaze sought her out for what had to be the thousandth time, finding she'd only shifted her head on the pillow. When he'd come in, her face had been turned away from where the chair was positioned. Now, she'd turned her head so that his gaze could trace the gentle curve of her cheek. So that he could study the way her eyelashes fanned against her pale skin. And so that he could memorize the plump flesh of her pink lips, parted ever so slightly in her sleep.
God, she was beautiful. He was struck by the thought, just as he was every time he did this. And he'd watched her sleep so many times over the years. He'd lain in bed next to her and simply stared, unable to fathom how he'd gotten so lucky. Unable to decipher what it was that had attracted her to him. She could have left him so many times. Should have left him. She was worthy of more than what she had with him. He always felt like she'd settled for less than what was rightfully hers.
But she'd never once given him the impression she would leave. Hell, she'd never once made an attempt. She'd stayed at his side and given him five amazing children. And it was five. Dee was his. Didn't matter that it wasn't his blood in her veins. She was his. He didn't love her any less than his other children.
His thoughts were brought to a halt when Dare drew a deep breath and let it out again. He waited a moment to see if anything more was coming, but she remained still and asleep. And, once more, he let his gaze travel over the contours of her face so that he could commit every line and arc to memory. And, again, he couldn't help but marvel over the fact that she was his. Over how beautiful she was.
And over how perfect she was.
He couldn't say when he'd first thought that. Maybe as far back as that disastrous Danger Room session when she'd lost control for just a second and had scorched his balls for him. He shouldn't have been thinking those thoughts about her. She'd been a scared kid back then, barely aware of her looks and how they could get her anything she wanted. She'd been lean then like she was now, with generous curves and a clear complexion. Throw in long hair as black and as glossy as a raven's wing and large grey eyes that could go from sweet and innocent to dark and angry in a flash and she was a mixture of girl next door and ethereal beauty.
Over the years, he'd watched her grow into herself. Watched her find confidence. Watched her open to her friends and become part of something bigger. He'd seen her mature and grow and become a woman. He'd seen her open her heart to Remy and have it broken. He'd seen her open to him. He'd seen her fight tooth and nail to take her place in a world that she felt had pushed her aside and forgotten about her.
She was courageous and strong, even when she was scared. She was feminine and soft, even when she was hard. She was everything. She was his. And she was goddamned perfect.
The faint sound of her heart beating a little faster pushed his thoughts aside. The shallower sounds of her breath told him she was waking. He waited quietly for her to open her eyes. Hank had warned him that he likely wouldn't get a chance to talk to her. She'd been sleeping pretty solidly since after the surgery. So he'd sat in silence and hoped he'd get a chance to tell her he loved her before she pulled in on herself again. Because he knew, the moment she was fully cognizant of what was going on around her, she would try to push them all away again.
He knew when she came as fully awake as possible. He heard the faint intake of breath that told him so. And then she was struggling with the blankets, trying to push them back as if she meant to get out of bed. He reached out and took hold of the nearest hand. "Hey, hey, hey... Stop moving, darlin'. You're supposed to be recovering. "
His words saw her stilling and her eyes blinked open slowly. She looked at him and he could see that she wasn't completely there. No doubt the pain killers Hank had her on. It had only been a couple days since the surgery. No doubt he was keeping her as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. "Logan?" Her voice was soft and scratchy, rough with lack of use. It was still the best thing he'd heard in more than a week.
He lifted the hand he held, pressed a kiss to it. "Yeah, darlin'. Its me." His words saw her eyes well up until big, fat tears slid down her cheeks. He used his free hand to reach up and wipe the moisture from her cheeks. "Don't cry, sweetheart. You know I hate it when you cry."
She didn't stop crying. The tears came just came faster. "Oh, gods. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Her words were thick and wet and it took him a minute to figure out what she'd said. He knew without asking why she was apologizing.
"You ain't got nothing to be sorry for, Dare," he said gently. The hand that had been wiping tears away took a moment or two to stroke the curve of her cheek before brushing back the wisps of hair that floated around her face. His touch was soft and gentle, things that he was not. That made her cry all the harder. "I promise, darlin'. There ain't nothin' to be sorry for."
"But I fucked up. I fucked everything up and I hurt you," she hiccupped. "You and everyone else."
"It's okay, darling. There ain't nothing to apologize for. Don't cry, sweetheart. It's okay. Everything will be okay," he reassured her. She turned her face away, burying it in the pillow as best she could. The tears kept falling. His nose was flooded with the scent of her grief and her guilt and it was painful. Of course she blamed herself for all of it. Never mind she'd been manipulated by Sinister. Just like everyone else had been manipulated by Sinister. "Dare. This ain't your fault. If you wanna blame someone, blame Sinister. He's the reason all this happened."
"I'm the one who shut you out," she sobbed, her voice already hoarse.
"You were reactin' to the trauma, darlin'," he replied gently. She made a noise at the back of her throat and it took him a few seconds to realize that it was a laugh, rough and harsh and scoffing. Because she didn't believe him. And he knew, no matter how many times he told her, she wouldn't believe him. Even before he could formulate what he was going to say next, her head rolled across the pillow so that she could look him in the eye. And he could see it there, in her gaze, what she was going to say next.
"You need to stop making excuses for my stupidity, Logan," she responded. The tears had mostly dried and, without them, he could hear in her words how despondent she was. "You're too nice and I don't deserve that. I don't deserve you."
How he hated hearing her say that. Why did she always take everything back to what she felt she did and didn't deserve? She was one of the most deserving people he knew. She'd been through so much and, no matter how much life tried to beat her down, she kept going and kept fighting. She gave so much of herself to her friends and her family. And she took nothing for herself. "You deserve the world, darlin' You deserve more than I can give you. If ya want the truth, I don't deserve you."
"You... What?" she asked, obviously caught off guard by his statement. The hand holding hers tightened its grip because he knew, without having to think about it, that she would try to pull it from his hold. Soon. In response to the things that had been tumbling around his head since he'd walked into the medlab earlier.
Logan took a breath and pinned her with a stare. One that had her instantly trying to tug her hand out of his. "We've been together a long time, Dare. And its obvious that I ain't done right by ya. You've been through so much trauma since we got together. You shoulda fallen apart. But ya didn't. You stuffed all that shit down an' kept goin'. I shoulda seen what it was doin' to ya. But I figured things were okay because you got back up and kept goin' after each one."
"Stop," she whispered, desperately trying to pull her hand from his hold.
"But I was wrong, darlin'. I was wrong. You needed help and I shoulda given it to ya. Why didn't ya tell me you were drownin', Dare? Why didn't you come to me? Don't ya trust me?" he asked, voice low and steady. Even though it felt like his entire world was crashing down around his head. "Don't ya love me anymore, sweetheart?"
Silence fell between them, painful and uncomfortable. Dare's eyes were large in her face, dark with her inner turmoil. She kept trying to pull her hand free, but there was little strength in her attempts. And the tears were back, fat droplets that rolled without care down her cheeks. "Let me go," she whispered, trying hard to escape him. Trying hard to run away yet again.
"Dare. Darlin'," he said, his voice as gentle as he'd ever managed to make it, and lifted her hand up to kiss it once more. This was it. This was the one thing that would see her fall apart and shatter. Unchecked tenderness and concern. Goddamn it, he didn't want to be the one who broke her. Every terrible thing she'd survived and it was his love that was going to see her break. "You can't keep runnin'. You've been runnin' since you were a kid. Its time to stop. Please, sweetheart. Please stop running."
"Let me go." This time, her words were a plea. There was so much desperation in them. So much fear.
"If that's what ya want, Dare. I'll let you go. I'll step back and give you the freedom ya want."
Those three sentences stopped her cold and she stared at him, eyes wide with the understanding dawning in them. She knew the truth he hadn't said. If he let her go now, he'd walk away and he'd never come back. It wasn't fair to put that on her yet. Not when she was still recovering. But he had to make her understand. She couldn't keep pushing him away. Couldn't keep pushing her family away. One day, she'd push and get what she wanted. She'd be alone because everyone would walk away.
In a single beat of her heart, all of the fight went out of her. The hand he held went limp while her eyes rolled up so that she stared at the ceiling. The tears kept rolling down her cheeks and he saw the way her lower lip trembled. There was no emotion coming off her and, for a moment, Logan was afraid she'd put that wall up again. So it surprised him that the link was still wide open when he checked it.
"Dare?" he asked, fear climbing up the back of his neck. Fear that he'd broken what little bit of fight she'd had left. Fear that he'd made things that much worse.
"I understand," she whispered, voice as empty as her face. As she felt. "You don't love me anymore. I'm sorry you got stuck with me. I'll... " Her words trailed off on a sob and her eyelids slid closed.
"No, darlin'. Don't think I don't love ya. Don't ever think that," he said, voice emphatic and sharp. He tightened his grip on her hand. Wrapped his free hand around their joined ones for good measure. "I've loved ya every day we've been together and even before. I told ya before and I'll tell ya again. I ain't never gonna stop loving you. There ain't nothin' you can do to make me stop lovin' ya. But you gotta stop running, honey. You gotta stop and let us in."
She was silent far too long. She hadn't stopped crying and she still felt withdrawn. Anxiety ate at his belly and he wondered if he'd made things worse by being so honest with her. There wasn't anything he could do about that now. The only thing left was to make her understand that he loved her and he was there for her. They all were.
"Listen to me, Dare. You gotta stop pushing everyone away. Or you're gonna get what you want. You'll be all alone. Yer friends? They all love ya. Ya got Remy all twisted up about ya. Morgan, too. Haley is beside herself with worry over you. Hell, even Summers is filled with worry. You have to let us help you. This shit is poisoning you, darlin'. And if you're not careful, it'll poison everyone and everything you love. You got to let us in, Dare. Let us in and let us help you."
The last of his statement came out as a rough plea, filled with hope and worry and fear. And it got him no response at all. She just laid there, lifeless and still as a doll. The thing in his chest that was supposed to be his heart cracked open and filled him with sour grief and bitter regret. He'd fucked everything up. She was slipping away and it was his fault. How was he supposed to be whole if she left him? How was he supposed to live without her in his life?
He let his head drop forward, hid his face from any prying eyes that might come along, and let the bitterness fill him. She was the best thing he'd ever had and he'd lost her. He'd thought the pain he'd felt at her death was the worst thing he'd ever felt in his life. But he was wrong. The pain at losing her when she was right there... That was so much worse.
"I'm scared." The words startled him out of his thoughts. He wasn't sure how much time had passed since he'd last spoken, but it had to have been several minutes because her voice lacked the wetness of her tears. It was soft, though, as if saying such a thing was a fate worse than death and she didn't want anyone else to hear her. When he lifted his head, she was staring at him. Her eyes were the softest, palest shade of grey they'd been in the entire time he'd known her. When she saw him looking at her, her fingers tightened around his. Just a little bit.
"I know ya are, darlin'. But I'm here for ya. And so is everyone else. I promise we'll help ya," he assured her. She offered him a nod and a faint smile touched her lips. Then her hand was limp again and he heard the way her heart and breathing slowed. Sleep had come for her again. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her hand. "Sleep easy, darlin. I'll be here when ya wake up again."
"Mmmm. Love you, Logan." Her words were filled with affection, and the warmth in them filled his chest with hope.
