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marysuevirus2025-02-07 06:06 pm
ladydeathfaerie) wrote in marysuevirus2025-02-07 06:06 pm
Among the Strong
Title: Among the Strong
Chapter Thirty Nine: Confidential
Fandom: the Marvel universe
Rating: 18 and up
Warnings: graphic violence, language, sex, dark themes, anything else i can toss in.
Disclaimer: the recognizable characters and places contained herein are the property of Marvel. i'm merely borrowing for the sake of entertainment. no money is being made from this venture. Haley belongs todazzledfirestar Morgan belongs toginevra Roxxy belongs tonanaeanaven Jehnna belongs to silverfox_chan and Dare belongs to me. the concept and title of The Mary Sue Virus are used with permission from dazzledfirestar .
Author's Notes: this is almost entirely Daz's fault. okay. so it really isn't. its actually almost 100% my fault. Daz just did a whole lot of encouraging. this fic is going to be kind of dark, so please keep that in mind while reading.
Among the Strong - the index
A tiny whimper pulled Haley out of the unending spiral her brain had fallen into. One she shouldn't have been caught up in. But being alone, having no one to help keep her occupied, meant a slow and maddening descent into the shit show that was her life. A glance down at the tiny life she held cradled in her arms threatened to send her back into that same spiral because deep, serious brown eyes stared up at her. How a newborn could have such serious eyes, she didn't know. But her daughter did. Emilia stared at her with the same seriousness and intensity that Haley had seen time and time again in her father's eyes.
Before she could stop it, an image of Scott popped into her head. One from their captivity, when they'd been stuck in that cell disguised as a bland goddamned suite. Of Scott staring at her with a soft, loving gaze. The brown of his eyes had lightened from dark and serious until they had been the color of soft, melted milk chocolate. She'd gotten lost in them, lost in the smile on his face and the adoration with which he'd looked at her. She might have given in to crying, to mourning what she'd so very briefly had and had lost, if not for the sound of a hand moving across sheets as if searching for something.
"Petra?" Dare's voice was filled with sleep, but there was a strength in it that hadn't been there a handful of days ago when she'd been teetering on the brink of... whatever her current, personal version of hell was. Haley was glad to see some color in her cheeks and she didn't look quite as fragile as she had just a few days ago. Relief rushed through her, an almost crushing wave of it, at the thought that Dare was getting better.
"Go back to sleep. That wasn't yours." Haley said softly, careful to keep the emotions out of her voice.
The sound of her voice saw Dare lifting a soft, sleepy expression her way. Dare stared at her a moment before her gaze dipped to where Emilia was cradled to her chest. Then she returned her attention to Haley, her eyes brighter and more awake, and shook her head. "I've been sleeping for days. I'm actually kind of tired of sleeping."
She had to hide her smile because Dare sounded so disgruntled and disgusted by the idea. But the urge to smile was killed when the look Faye'd had on her face when she'd explained to everyone that Dare might very well die flashed through her head. It brought forth a frown, which Haley leveled on Dare. "Well, you need it. So tough shit. You're going to have to deal."
Those words had Dare flashing an annoyed look Haley's way. Then she planted her hands in the mattress and so very slowly levered herself up into a sitting position. It was slow going, the other woman's face a mask of determination as arms that physically shook struggled with such a normal and usually effortless task. When Haley held out one hand in silent offer, Dare's usual glare made a brief appearance and the other woman doubled the effort she was putting into sitting up on her own. An effort that seemed to take forever before she finally accomplished it. And an effort that left Dare sweaty and shaky, a grimace of disgust plain on her face. She even panted a little bit for breath. Haley cursed herself an idiot for not ignoring Dare's glare and helping her friend. It shouldn't have mattered that Dare obviously wouldn't have welcomed the attempt.
"You should have let me help you," Haley admonished. Dare said nothing, but the stubborn set of her jaw spoke volumes about Dare's feelings on that subject. Silence settled between them. Haley couldn't decide if it was a good silence or a bad silence. Dare used the time to look around the room. Her gaze went first to the bassinet that sat at the foot of her bed. And then it took in the rest of the room. The way she stared at everything made Haley wonder if she'd been too far out of it to really take note of things the other day.
"Can we at least get the ass chewing over before I lose consciousness again?" The sound of Dare's voice brought Haley out of her musings. There was an odd look in the woman's grey eyes. One that took Haley a while to recognize. She saw fear in Dare's stare and it surprised her because she hadn't seen the other woman so openly display that emotion in a long time. "Get that off the list so I can sleep better."
She considered it for a minute or two. Considered letting Dare know exactly what her stunt had done to Haley. What it had made her feel. But the urge to do so passed as quickly as it came. Chastising Dare wouldn't change what had been. And, in the long run, it wouldn't fix the problem. Honest communication would. Haley sighed, then drew a breath and let it out slowly while she got her thoughts together. "There is no ass chewing," she told Dare bluntly.
It was enough of a surprise that the other woman gave her a skeptical look. "Go on. Pull the other one."
Haley smiled faintly, but shook her head. And felt that same rush of fear that had come when Faye had told them what was going on. And again when Roxxy had given Haley more information. She lifted eyes that she was sure were brimming over with emotion. She knew they were brimming over with tears. "I'm sorry I wasn't enough to help you through this. I'm not enough for anything at this point, but I'm sorry you felt suicide was a better option than letting me help you."
Those words slapped Dare right in the face. She saw it in the way the other woman's expression went from disbelief to shock and then to something that looked like anger. The self-loathing, an expression Haley hated with a passion, came last. It made her friend look small. Weak. Helpless. And Dare was none of those things. Hadn't she survived so much? That took an inner strength that most people would never be able to claim. Haley considered taking back her statement, but Dare's expression changed yet again. And Haley couldn't read it.
"You shouldn't be apologizing to me." Dare's words came out slow and steady. Carefully. And the other woman was looking at her with a softness that made Haley want to cry. "I'm the one who's supposed to be apologizing. I'm the one who fucked up. None of this is your fault. Its all mine. Because I cut you out. You and everyone else. And I forgot that I'm not the only one stuck in this shit. You needed me as much as I needed you and I failed you in that. I guess I'm not as good at being a friend than I thought I was and I'm so sorry I left you to try and wade through this shit by yourself.
Haley frowned at her. Her words, when they came, were sharp and pointed. Tinged with her own anger. "I'm not going to argue with you about this. It's not your job to wade me through anything. I'm supposed to keep you guys from getting hurt and I didn't. And don't give me that bad friend shit. I know what draining everything out of you feels like, remember?"
Dare gave her a look that suggested she wanted to tell Haley to go fuck herself. But it was gone a moment later and Haley couldn't be sure she'd read the look right. In its place was a patient understanding she didn't think she'd ever seen on Dare's face before. She wasn't sure how she felt about it being there.
"You're supposed to lead the team and do what you can to make sure we all go home." Her friend's voice was low and steady. Almost gentle. It was disturbing when pitted against Dare's normal anger and aggression. Haley wasn't sure she liked this version of Dare. Not that she really liked the always angry version of her friend. But this one.. one who was calm and gentle and understanding, this one was a stranger. "That's all. It is not your job to blame yourself when we come up against someone who can kick our asses. And you need help just as much as the rest of us. Because I know what forced captivity and repeated forced sex does to a person. Or have you forgotten that I've been through this crap more than anyone else that was involved?"
Haley snorted. As if she could forget what her friend had been through over the years. "No I haven't forgotten. And I should have done more for you then, too."
This time, it was Dare that snorted. "You can't help someone who doesn't want help, Haley. Or doesn't know they need help. Quit blaming yourself for things you had no control over. We're both bad at that. We both need to work on it. I'm never going to hold it against you that you didn't pull my head out of my ass. Because, again, that isn't your job. Your job is to be there for me when I come to you for help. Which is something I need to work on. And my job is to be there for you when you need me. Because we're friends. And that is also something I need to work on."
“Fine." Haley's voice was flat and filled with irritation.
The look Dare gave her told her the other woman knew she wasn't really listening. Wasn't going to listen. Dare let go another snort and shook her head. "Christ, Haley. Summers does not look good on you. Stop acting like him."
Haley blinked at that. And then the frown came, a frown laden with anger and pain. "You should maybe watch what you say to me," she warned with a faint growl in her voice.
"Yeah, yeah. You'll punch me when I'm feeling better. Bring it on," Dare responded. She sounded like she wasn't very afraid of Haley.
"Have you always been this much of an asshole? Or is this new after your latest near-death experience?" Haley asked, voice low. She wasn't sure if she was glad to know that Dare hadn't changed that much or if she was annoyed that Dare hadn't changed that much. The other woman offered her a smirk.
"I've always been an asshole," she confirmed. The smirk died and Dare pinned her with a stare that held a wealth of knowledge in it. Haley didn't like it one bit. "And I'll tell you again. You need to stop acting like the world rests on your shoulders and only your shoulders. It is not your fault that the horsemen kicked our asses. And it isn't your fault that Sinister had them take us to him. Nothing that happened on that mission is your fault. Nothing that happened as a result of that mission is your fault. So quit kicking yourself. The martyr act doesn't suit you. I don't blame you for what happened. I'm sure none of the others do, either."
Haley frowned at her. Because she knew, on some level, that Dare wasn't wrong. That Haley wasn't really responsible for what had happened back in the desert. They had absolutely been outclassed by the horsemen and she knew that. But that wasn't how she saw things. She couldn't let herself think like that. Because she lived with the fear of losing someone close to her again. Of losing them and not being there to help. Or not doing enough to help. She was afraid of not being enough. "Dare..."
"Guilt does horrible things to a person, Haley. It twists your thinking and skews how you react to the worst events in your life," Dare said softly. She was staring at her hands, limp and trembling in her lap. Haley wasn't sure if the trembling was from the effort put into sitting up or for other reasons entirely. And Haley could hear regret in her voice. It made her wonder what memories were plaguing the other woman at that moment. "I'm going to forever blame myself for what happened in Paris. I should have stayed and protected you. And all the party-goers. I could have done it, you know, Torched Doom's feral dog and all the bots included. I could have taken them all down and not broken a sweat. But I was too slow. Too scared of what I might become. And, as a result, hundreds of people died. You almost died. And I will always blame myself for that."
"Dare, what happened in Paris isn't your fault," Haley assured her friend. This was the first time they'd really talked about it since it had happened. Haley had suspected Dare felt this way. But she hadn't been sure.
Her friend's head lifted so that she could pin Haley with an intent stare. "I know that, Haley. And so should you. None of what happened then or with Sinister or with any of our missions is your fault. You're only human and you will make mistakes. We'll all make mistakes. The best we can do is try and move on from them. Not let them rule our lives. Harper wasn't your fault." There was kindness in her words. But there was also a kind of fierce determination. One that was almost physically painful. "Stop trying to be Summers and shoulder the entire world."
"You're pushing your luck, Dare," Haley warned, throat tight with tears she refused to shed. Dare'd had no right to bring Harper into the conversation. How dare she take everything to the very heart of Haley's thoughts and fears and, well, her everything. "You don't have any clue what my feelings are where Harper is concerned." She couldn't keep the anger and pain out of her voice. "Don't think you can sit there and lecture me on how I should and shouldn't feel. You don't know anything!"
There was venom in the last of her words and she felt, had she not been holding Emilia, she might have actually punched Dare for going there. As it was, her arms shook ever so slightly with her anger.
"You're right. I don't." Dare's voice was empty and her face blank. Haley couldn't tell if she was mad or hurt or something else. Not that it mattered. She deserved whatever emotion or emotions Haley's words brought to life. "I never asked. Because I figured you wouldn't want to talk about it. Because you don't talk about anything that upsets you. You just bury it down deep and pretend like it didn't happen. Like it didn't touch you. Like you're not allowed to feel plain old emotions like the rest of us stupid humans."
"And you're so much better than I am!" Haley snapped. Dare gave her a cool look.
"Of course I'm not. I'm a walking disaster," Dare replied. She took a breath, then let it out in a quick, short sigh. Haley watched as Dare threw the covers back. "This is getting us nowhere. Pretend I never said a word." And then she was swinging her legs over the edge of the bed.
"Where are you going?" Haley demanded, already on her feet.
"Not that its really any of your business, but I have to pee. So I'm going to the bathroom," Dare told her. She was already putting her feet on the ground. Haley made her way around the bed, intent on... Well, she wasn't sure what she was intent on doing. Helping her or stopping her? She didn't honestly know. Not that what she intended to do mattered because, this time, Dare shot her a look that would have burnt Haley to ashes if the look had been made of flames. That look, the amount of anger and hate put into it, brought her up short. Just a little.
"You're not supposed to be out of bed without someone to help you," she reminded Dare. Her voice was Icon's voice, commanding and authoratative. Hank had been very explicit in his instructions. Until Dare had regained her strength, someone was supposed to be there to help her at all times. Her statement earned her another glare from the other woman.
"I do not need anyone's fucking help to go use the bathroom," Dare said, voice low. Was it Haley's imagination, or could she hear something other than anger in Dare's words?
"But you hardly had the strength to pull yourself into a sitting position," Haley protested. "How do you plan on getting to the bathroom when you don't have the strength to walk?"
"I'll fucking crawl!" Dare snapped. "I don't want your help and I don't need it! What I need is to pee and to do so in private!" The sting in her words made Haley feel like crying and she was reminded of another time when her team felt like it was falling apart. It had been so long ago, when they were still finding their footing as a new team. As friends. Dare and Morgan had had that argument in the rec room. One that could have potentially destroyed everything Haley had been trying to achieve. There'd been a conversation with Logan later where he'd asked her what had happened. There'd been no judgement from him as she'd recounted the events of their fight as she recalled them. And there'd been no judgement from him when he'd very calmly told her that Dare had been packing to run when he'd found her.
"That's right. Run away like you always do. Anytime you can't handle a problem, you run from it," Haley returned. Dare had managed to get to her feet. Her legs shook so much, though, that she was leaning against the wall as she slowly took each step.
"Fuck off, Haley," Dare snarled, not looking at her.
"Sorry, Dare. Can't do that. I have to keep an eye on your childish ass. You're still recovering from nearly fucking killing yourself," she returned. "You know. In case you'd forgotten."
She got no response to that. Dare continued on to the bathroom, her steps still slow and still shaky. There was a stiffness in her spine that Haley didn't think had been there before, a tightness to her shoulders that suggested she was holding on to her temper and her tongue by sheer force of will. She didn't need any gifts or powers to know she'd upset the other woman.
For a moment, Haley considered offering an apology. She'd let her emotions get the better of her and she knew that Dare was only trying to help. Maybe the other woman was going about it in the wrong way, but her intentions had come from a good place. But the way Dare held herself, the way she refused to look at Haley, said very plainly that she wouldn't welcome the apology. Things had just been so fucked up for the past couple of weeks and Haley wasn't sure she knew up from down anymore.
Frustration ate at her. It wasn't bad enough that her relationship with Johnny was on the brink of collapse. And it wasn't bad enough that her time spent in captivity with Scott put his personal relationship in jeopardy while making their working relationship that much more difficult. But now her relationships with her friends, with people she'd considered for a long, long time to be family, were in peril. She cursed Sinister and his meddling. She didn't know if he'd meant to create this much chaos and unhappiness. But she was losing the things she'd worked so hard for and it all went straight back to Sinister. She was going to kill the son-of-a-bitch when she got her hands on him.
The bathroom door shut with a soft click and drew her away from such thoughts. There would be time enough later to sink into the anger left behind by Sinister and his fucked up meddling. For now, she had to find a way to mend the frayed and tattered tapestry of her life. Her friends, her family were more important.
As if sensing the turmoil within her mother, Emilia whimpered softly. Haley turned her attention to her daughter and offered her a faint smile. "Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll figure things out. I promise," she whispered to the little girl. Her statement was met with another whimper, prompting Haley to rock back and forth in an effort to soothe her daughter.
It was some time later that the turning of the knob sounded. The room was silent, so the sound was loud and echoed gently. Haley looked up to find that Dare stood in the doorway, leaning heavily against the jamb. Once again, her limbs shook. The strain of forcing herself to exert energy she didn't have had left her pale and sweaty. And there was no missing the redness of her eyes. Guilt stabbed at Haley. She'd had no business going after Dare like that. Not when she was still recovering and only trying to help.
"Dare, I..." she began, but the other woman lifted a limp hand in order to cut her words off before she could speak them.
"Don't. Don't apologize," Dare said, voice hoarse. It made Haley wonder if instead of trying not to cry, she'd been crying silently while she'd been in the bathroom. After a ragged breath, Dare started toward the bed with painfully slow steps. Haley bit her lip, doing her best not to make things worse by saying the wrong thing or doing something unwelcome. It was hard to watch her friend struggle to do something as simple as walk a few feet across the floor.
Dare went slow, hand on the wall and each step measured. It felt like it took forever, but she finally made it to the bed. And she collapsed onto it face first while she attempted to get her breath back. It took time, but eventually she had herself settled against the pillows with her feet tucked under the blankets. By the time she was once more resting, Haley had taken her seat again.
Dare looked up at Haley and there was regret in her eyes. "I'm the one who needs to apologize. I'm sorry. I have no right to tell you how you should and shouldn't feel. And you're right. I've never asked you about Harper's death and what it did to you. I can't figure out my own shit. I shouldn't tell you how to figure out yours."
"Dare," Haley tried again.
"No. You were right. I was wrong. Just let it go. It isn't important." The finality in Dare's voice left Haley floundering. It felt like there was a rift between them. Again. And she wanted desperately to repair it. She just didn't know how. Maybe she was cursed to fuck up every good thing in her life. Maybe that was her real power.
Thoughts like that were plaguing her when a loud rumble pulled her from her head. She glanced up to find that Dare was staring straight ahead, a faint flush staining her cheeks. The rumble came again. Haley realized with a start that it was Dare's stomach. She took it as a good sign that the other woman seemed to be hungry. "Would you like me to get you something to eat?" she asked Dare.
The silence held for a while longer, making Haley wonder if Dare was going to answer. After several moments, Dare turned and looked at her. "Yes, please," she responded. Her gaze dropped toward her lap and one hand lifted to poke at her belly. "It sounds like I have an appetite, at any rate."
Haley couldn't stop the smile her words brought to life. "It does. Which I will take as a good sign. What do you want?"
"Anything not liquid." That statement implied that the other woman hadn't cared much for intravenous meals. Haley wanted to point out those liquid meals had been Dare's own fault, but their truce still felt tenuous. So she kept her tongue and rose from her seat. After a moment's hesitation, she leaned closer and transferred Emilia to Dare's arms. The other woman gave her a quick, startled look. Then she was staring intently at the baby in her arms and the rest of the world was temporarily forgotten.
One corner of the main room had been outfitted with a table and chairs, along with a coffee pot, a microwave, and a mini fridge. Haley dug into the fridge and came out with a bowl of jambalaya. It was all that was left of a pot Remy'd made just the day before. Haley thought it was fair and fitting that it go to Dare. There was plenty of meat in it and she needed the protein to gain her strength back. Plus the rice would fill an empty belly fairly quickly. After popping the lid, she stuck it into the microwave and set the timer. While the microwave did its thing, Haley collected a spoon, a glass of water, some crusty French bread, and a tray.
The bread got buttered and then laid out on a small plate. That plate, along with everything else, went onto the tray, which Haley arranged just so. When the microwave beeped, she carefully removed the bowl of jambalaya and added it to the tray. She made sure to stir the food so that the heat was distributed evenly. The last thing she added was a napkin.
With nothing else to keep her, she picked up the tray and carried it toward the smaller bedroom where Dare and her daughter awaited her.
"No wonder your mommy fell for your daddy," she heard Dare say, the other woman's voice soft and considering. Haley had left the door open when she'd left the room and while the bed was in view of the open door, Dare's attention was focused entirely on the baby she held. That gave Haley the opportunity to listen in without being detected. "If your daddy looked at me the way you are, little one, I'd lose my heart, too. Because, seriously. Your daddy is kind of hot. That strong chin. Those cheekbones. Eyes like yours. An ass that doesn't quit. And abs for miles. Don't think I haven't looked when he's suited up for a mission. I'd have to be blind to not see that. And dead, too. Yeah. Your daddy is pretty hot. So I guess its a good thing your daddy doesn't like me much. Isn't it?"
Emilia made a cooing sound that saw Dare smiling at her. One finger came up to tap lightly against Emilia's nose. The action brought forth an excited coo and the little girl's arms and legs went into overdrive. Haley couldn't hold back the smile that came. Because she found she couldn't do anything but smile when Emilia was being so cute. And because she thought Dare's declaration about Scott's eyes was as intriguing as the one about his ass had been.
She kind of wanted to call the other woman out on the assumption that Scott didn't like her. But she left that alone. Chances were good Dare wouldn't believe her anyway and she'd feed Haley some more of her bullshit about not being beautiful and not deserving to be loved and... Dare was like a broken record with that crap. And, in all honesty, Haley did not understand where it came from. She didn't know how Dare couldn't see how the men in her life looked at her.
Logan's stare was almost worshipful, as if he saw her as some ancient, wild goddess. Despite being considered one of the toughest Danger Room instructors in the school, he was at his softest when he was with Dare. She'd somehow turned the Wolverine into Logan. Just Logan. A man who loved the woman in his life, who looked at her like she was the rarest treasure on the planet.
And Remy... There was so much in his eyes when he looked at her. She remembered when Remy and Morgan had started dating. She'd seen those same things in his eyes then. She still did when he looked at Morgan. It didn't seem to matter that they had been together for more than a decade. Remy still worshipped the ground that Morgan walked on. He still loved her and he still wanted her in his life. Those feelings now extended to Dare in ways they hadn't before. There had always been a bond between the two of them. But that bond had changed and grown and morphed into something completely different. And that showed in Remy's eyes when he watched Dare.
Those thoughts sent Haley's brain into a spiral. Maybe her friend needed to know that Scott didn't hate her as she seemed to think he did. Maybe she needed to understand that Logan and Remy were not exceptions to the rule. They were the standard. "Please do not teach my daughter to swear. I do not want her first word to be a four letter one that starts with an F," Haley said brightly as she finally stepped into the room. Dare looked up, eyes wide in her face. And a hint of a blush stained her cheeks, letting Haley know Dare understood that Haley had overheard her talking to Emilia. "And you seriously underestimate yourself. Scott likes you far more than you seem to think he does."
Dare stared at Haley, eyes gone even wider at her statement. And there was the beginning of a blush staining the paleness of her cheeks.
"In fact, I'd be willing to hazard that there are plenty of people, men and women alike, who like you. Who find you attractive. Who might have been willing to take you on a date or two back in the day. But you're so convinced that you don't deserve that kind of attention and affection that you sabotage yourself," Haley told her. Dare's gaze shifted away, but there was no missing the way her cheeks got pinker. "A word of advice? The scowl scares people off before they have a chance to get to know the real you. Honestly, I'm amazed that you managed to land a man. Stunned that you managed to land two."
"Wow, Haley. Tell me how you really feel about me," Dare said softly. It didn't stop Haley from catching the hurt in her friend's voice.
"It is because I love you that I'm saying this to you, Dare. You deserve so much more than you have. And the reason you don't have it is because you are so goddamned good at sabotaging your wants and needs."
Dare glanced at her out of the corner of her eye, but she said nothing. Haley sighed and settled the tray on the mattress next to her before reaching out to take Emilia from her arms. The baby fussed for a second or two, then snuggled deeper into Haley's hold. She took the time to settle the little one in the bassinet sitting empty at the end of the bed. Once assured that Emilia had drifted off, she made a point of settling the tray across Dare's lap. "Eat. You said you were hungry and that's Remy's jambalaya."
The other woman said nothing, but she did reach for the spoon on the tray. Haley watched Dare carefully lift the spoon up to her mouth. Just as carefully, she fed the bite into her mouth. She chewed and swallowed slowly. Her caution was probably a mix of a shaky hand and the first solid food she’d had in days. After watching her friend take two more bites, each one chewed slowly and with relish, before she spoke again.
“I am not trying to be a bitch about this, Dare. I promise I’m not picking on you. I’m honestly concerned about the way you constantly put yourself down. You don’t think you’re attractive. You don’t think you deserve the things you have, even though --”
“Because I don’t,” Dare responded automatically, the belief that she was undeserving blatant in her voice.
Haley went on, ignoring the interruption. “Even though you don’t have to do anything to earn things. You have two men who are helplessly in love with you. Children that are so lucky to have you as their mother. Children that you love and that love you in return. You have friends and family that would bend over backward to do anything for you they could. These are nothing things you have to earn. These are things you are entitled to as a human being. Everyone deserves love and affection. Everyone deserves a family they can rely on. Everyone deserves friends. No one has to earn the right to access these things. And that includes you. So why do you think that you don’t deserve someone’s love? Why don’t you think you deserve happiness? What happened to you that this is how you think about yourself?”
Dare set the spoon down on the tray and stared straight ahead of her. Haley was sure she wasn’t really seeing anything. She was sure the other woman was looking inward, trying to find an answer to a question that should never have needed to be asked in the first place.
“I don’t know.” The answer was spoken in a soft voice, the words delivered almost absently. But the look in Dare’s eyes said she honestly did not know the answer to the question. And it looked like that frightened her just a little bit.
Haley reached out and put a hand on her arm. “I don’t think that’s all that unusual, Dare. You’ve been through so many traumatic events in your life. That has undoubtedly affected your memory.”
Dare didn’t respond to that. She kept staring off into the distance, her expression troubled. “But I should know why I feel that way. Shouldn’t I? I should know how that all started. Right? So why don’t I? Why don’t I know how I ended up thinking like that?”
There was the faintest hint of the young, frightened girl Dare must have been on the night a boy she liked took her to a motel and forced himself upon her. Of the frightened girl she had to have been when faced with her own death at the hands of a rival gang. Haley sighed softly and reached out a hand to lay on her arm. “I don’t know. Maybe you should. But we both know trauma does weird things to people. I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t remember how it all started because its tied to some deep trauma you suffered.”
Dare snorted at that, the little girl fading into the background with the harshness of the sound. “You just described my entire life, Haley,” she replied glibly. It was an exaggeration and they both knew it. But it broke the melancholy that had blanketed them for a moment. Dare picked up her spoon and fed herself another mouthful of jambalaya. “Where’s Petra?” she asked. It was an obvious change of subject and Haley decided to let her have it. She had no doubts that she’d managed to nudge Dare onto the path that would lead to answers about where her automatic denial of deserving came from.
“Remy took her with him when he left. He said something about making your favorite meal,” Haley responded.
“All he has to do to make my favorite meal is throw something in the deep fryer,” Dare said. She put her spoon down and picked up a slice of bread. Haley watched as she dipped it into the liquid before nibbling at it.
“He seems to enjoy cooking,” Haley remarked. The nights when Remy was on kitchen duty for the school were the most popular ones. And Haley had to admit that his food was always delicious and flavorful.
“He loves cooking,” Dare told her. Haley watched as a soft look settled on the woman’s face, the corners of her mouth pulling up in a faint smile. “Its almost like a religious thing for him. More than Catholicism. The man worships at the alter of food.”
Haley’s chuckle brought a questioning grey look her way. Haley didn’t hide her smile. “You’re absolutely gone over him. Lost in la la land. Head over heels.”
The observation saw the blush return to Dare’s cheeks. She shifted her attention back to the meal before her, her hand reaching for the glass of water on her tray. Dare sipped at it slowly, careful not to look Haley’s way. “I have been. For years.”
“Not like this.” Haley shook her head. She couldn’t remember ever seeing Dare like this where Remy was concerned.
“Yes. Like this. Always. From the very first,” Dare said. “I’ve been in love with him since long before I joined the team, Haley. I just never let it show. Because I knew there was no chance he would ever fall for someone like me.”
“There you go with that shit again, Dare. I really wish you’d stop,” Haley sighed.
“Its true, though. He was dating Rogue and he was head over heels for her. Everyone could tell. And I saw how people looked at me. I didn’t always scowl, Haley. I didn’t scowl when I first got here. And people still looked at me like I was some kind of freak. So I knew, way back then, that there was no hope for someone like me. And I kept my feelings to myself. They were mine. No one else’s. Not even Morgan’s. I sat on my feelings for him for more than a decade. Because I knew sharing them would only lead to heartbreak.”
Haley frowned at that. It almost sounded like Dare expected him to change his mind. Wasn’t it tiring to live with that kind of paranoia in your head? “But he took you out, Dare. You guys were a couple for a while.”
It was obvious her confusion reached Dare, because the other woman shook her head and let go a snort that said very plainly that Haley was being naïve. “He’d just broken up with Rogue, Haley. Normal people wouldn’t take another woman out and then sleep with them. Not almost immediately after their breakup,” Dare said quietly.
Haley frowned at that. Because that made it sound like… “Remy used you?” Her anger colored her words, bringing Dare’s stare her way.
“He did. And before you get all pissed off at him, you need to understand that I knew on some level that’s what was going on. I chose to go out with him anyway. Because I was stupid and hoped that he’d change his mind. But it was a lost cause before it even started because he was already interested in Morgan. I was a stopgap.”
“That wasn’t fair to you, Dare. He played with your emotions,” Haley pointed out.
“No. He didn’t. Because he made it clear in the beginning that he wasn’t looking for anything but companionship. So nothing that happened was his fault. It was mine because I dared to hope,” her friend told her.
“I don’t know what to say, honey. I never suspected…” Haley trailed off. Dare lifted a shoulder, as if it didn’t really matter what had happened. Yet another one of Dare’s habits that Haley didn’t like. Her ability to act like things the involved her, that affected her, weren’t a big deal. Haley was still staring in disbelief when Dare went back to her meal.
“Its good to see you have an appetite,” she said, deciding it was time to change the topic of conversation. She would never be comfortable with the way Dare so casually abused herself. And much as she wanted to say something, it was obvious Dare wouldn’t listen. She thought it was all normal. She’d love to know what had happened to make Dare believe she was so worthless. Who had done that to her?
“I was starting to feel like I was all liquid. I’m surprised I wasn’t sloshing when I moved,” Dare responded between bringing bites of her meal to her mouth. The comment saw Haley chuckling.
“If you did start sloshing, it would have been no less than what you deserved. You almost died, Dare. You scared everyone. You closed yourself off from everyone and nearly killed yourself. Petra could have died. You’d have left so much behind.”
Dare set her spoon down again and took a moment to stare at her hands. When she lifted her gaze to stare at Haley, there was regret in her eyes. "I know. I was stupid. I forgot that I have people who care about me. All I could see was what would happen when they came to take our girls."
Haley could well imagine. Hadn’t she been plagued with the same thoughts since Emilia’s birth? Still, she hadn’t gone to the extreme the way Dare had. "And you thought being alone when that happened would be a good idea?" she asked. She had to know what her friend had been thinking. If she’d been thinking.
Dare was silent a moment as she considered. Finally, she shook her head. "No. I thought maybe it wouldn't happen if Petra wasn't born. I thought... “ Her words faltered and she fell silent a moment. Swallowed and sighed and shook her head again. “I don't know what I thought, honestly. All I know for certain anymore is Remy made me care about her when I didn't want to and then we got back and I was still pregnant. I didn't want to lose my baby. I didn't want to lose what I had with Remy because Sinister took our child. I didn't want to lose anymore of myself than I already have. I was reckless and selfish and I still almost lost everything because of it."
Haley was a little surprised to hear that Remy had made Dare care about her pregnancy. She kind of wanted to ask about it, but there was a trembling fragility in Dare at the moment."Yeah. I can understand a lot of that. I keep thinking that sick bastard is getting off on all the chaos he caused and that's why he didn't keep us around but who knows."
“Ew. Probably. But ew. That combination of words does not go in a sentence anywhere near that piece of shit,” Dare said. She looked up at Haley with eyes that burned with hatred. “He’s going to die, Haley. I’m going to kill him.”
“I’m pretty sure you’re going to have help with that one, Dare,” Haley replied. “But that won’t happen any time soon. So I think our energy would be better spent on positive things. There’s no need to spoil the day by talking about killing people.”
Dare shot her a look, then spooned up the last of the jambalaya. The utensil came to rest in the empty bowl with a soft clatter. The faint hint of a grin took up residence on Dare’s face, speaking to mischief. The sight of that grin left Haley feeling terribly uncomfortable. “Positive things, huh? Hmmm.”
Haley could see what was coming from a mile a way and hurried to head Dare off at the pass. They were not going to talk about her personal life. She didn’t even have a personal life anymore. That meant there was only one thing for Haley to do. "So… You and Remy. He’s been fretting away over you the past few days. And every time he looks at you, its like he’s seeing the sun rise again after months of darkness. Tell me about that.”
Dare frowned at the topic. Heaved a heavy sigh of probably several things starting with ‘dis-’.And she glanced away, once more taking in the room around them. When she returned her attention to Haley, there was a softness in her gaze that Haley rarely saw there. She looked love-struck and absolutely embarrassed by the fact. So, apparently, Remy is in love with me. Like 'in love in love' with me. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with that."
The wonder and surprise in her voice was kind of shocking. Surely she had to realize that he had feelings for her. They’d been in some kind of relationship since Creed. “I don’t know why that’s a surprise to you. And it’s not like this throws a wrench into the works. You and Logan and Morgan and Remy have been a thing for ages.”
The statement saw Dare getting flustered. Her cheeks took on a pink hue once again. Haley considered teasing her more just to see if more color would rise to the surface. "Come on, Haley. This is me we're talking about. I'm surprised when anyone admits to caring about me. You know that."
“Okay,” Haley conceded. Dare had a point there. Sometimes, she was frustratingly innocent about relationship things. Never mind she’d been in one with Morgan since almost the moment she got to the school. “Fine. But he always cared about you. This is just… growth, right?”
"I mean, I guess. I just... I don't know what to do with it. You know? Dare shrugged a shoulder.
"My first piece of advice is to take it one day at a time,” Haley told her. “My second is communication. It seems like the four of you are going to have to talk some new stuff out but at least you've got that framework."
Dare stared at her a moment, then offered a smile that wasn’t anywhere near thankful. Or gentle. Or serene. Haley felt like she was looking at a shark’s smile, all toothy and ready to bite. “You should maybe take your own advice, Haley. Talk to Johnny. Talk to Scott. Talk to them together and figure out what everyone wants and expects.”
“You never give up do you?” Haley gave Dare the hairy eyeball. This was not what she wanted to talk about. This wasn’t something she wanted to even consider. Doing so would only lead to disappointment. But Dare seemed intent on taking everything back to Scott and Johnny and the mess her relationship was with both of them.
“Apparently not, because I’m still here,” Dare responded. Haley frowned at her, but there was stubbornness in Dare’s gaze, letting Haley know she wasn’t going to let the topic die. “Just talk to them, Haley. What can it hurt?”
Haley shook her head. “We’re not doing this. Just let it go, Dare. You have your own issues to deal with. Don’t involve yourself in mine.”
She watched as Dare considered her for a moment or two. Finally, the other woman offered up a brittle smile and pushed away the tray that still rested across her lap. “Fine. I’ll leave it alone. For now. But you need to understand that I want you to find the happiness you deserve. Which is basically what you said to me. You mean a lot to me, Haley. The things you’ve done for me over the years… I struggled with accepting them. Because I didn’t believe I deserved any of the kindness you showed me.”
Haley opened her mouth to refute that statement, but Dare held up a hand to keep her from speaking. “I know. You think I deserve everything I want and more. I’ve heard that from several people. Maybe you’re right and I’m wrong. Maybe its the other way around. I’ll have to figure that shit out some day. Today isn’t that day,” Dare halted and yawned. She was starting to look a little sleepy. The exertion of walking and then putting solid food in her stomach probably did her in. “But I want you to find the same happiness you insist I get to have. And that means I won’t let this go for long. It means I’m going to nag you until you find the strength to talk to both of them. It means I’m going to be a huge, huge asshole about it all.”
Haley laughed. She couldn’t help it. She should be angry that Dare wanted to pry into her personal life. And maybe she would be later. But for now, she found herself amused. And so she laughed. “You’re a menace. An asshole of epic proportion. I really do need to punch you.”
“Bring it on, Icon. I’ll toast your buns,” Dare shot back. The threat was diminished by the yawn that stretched her mouth wide. Haley stood and moved the tray, then helped Dare get settled in the bed for the next batch of healing sleep.
“You’ll try, you mean,” Haley responded with another laugh.
”Just wait,” Dare promised. Her eyes were already fluttering shut.
“Go to sleep, menace,” Haley said, her tone laden with the fondness she felt for her friend. Dare mumbled something that Haley didn’t quite catch, then she was asleep and, for a moment, all seemed right with the world.
Chapter Thirty Nine: Confidential
Fandom: the Marvel universe
Rating: 18 and up
Warnings: graphic violence, language, sex, dark themes, anything else i can toss in.
Disclaimer: the recognizable characters and places contained herein are the property of Marvel. i'm merely borrowing for the sake of entertainment. no money is being made from this venture. Haley belongs to
dazzledfirestar Morgan belongs toginevra Roxxy belongs tonanaeanaven Jehnna belongs to silverfox_chan and Dare belongs to me. the concept and title of The Mary Sue Virus are used with permission from dazzledfirestar . Author's Notes: this is almost entirely Daz's fault. okay. so it really isn't. its actually almost 100% my fault. Daz just did a whole lot of encouraging. this fic is going to be kind of dark, so please keep that in mind while reading.
Among the Strong - the index
A tiny whimper pulled Haley out of the unending spiral her brain had fallen into. One she shouldn't have been caught up in. But being alone, having no one to help keep her occupied, meant a slow and maddening descent into the shit show that was her life. A glance down at the tiny life she held cradled in her arms threatened to send her back into that same spiral because deep, serious brown eyes stared up at her. How a newborn could have such serious eyes, she didn't know. But her daughter did. Emilia stared at her with the same seriousness and intensity that Haley had seen time and time again in her father's eyes.
Before she could stop it, an image of Scott popped into her head. One from their captivity, when they'd been stuck in that cell disguised as a bland goddamned suite. Of Scott staring at her with a soft, loving gaze. The brown of his eyes had lightened from dark and serious until they had been the color of soft, melted milk chocolate. She'd gotten lost in them, lost in the smile on his face and the adoration with which he'd looked at her. She might have given in to crying, to mourning what she'd so very briefly had and had lost, if not for the sound of a hand moving across sheets as if searching for something.
"Petra?" Dare's voice was filled with sleep, but there was a strength in it that hadn't been there a handful of days ago when she'd been teetering on the brink of... whatever her current, personal version of hell was. Haley was glad to see some color in her cheeks and she didn't look quite as fragile as she had just a few days ago. Relief rushed through her, an almost crushing wave of it, at the thought that Dare was getting better.
"Go back to sleep. That wasn't yours." Haley said softly, careful to keep the emotions out of her voice.
The sound of her voice saw Dare lifting a soft, sleepy expression her way. Dare stared at her a moment before her gaze dipped to where Emilia was cradled to her chest. Then she returned her attention to Haley, her eyes brighter and more awake, and shook her head. "I've been sleeping for days. I'm actually kind of tired of sleeping."
She had to hide her smile because Dare sounded so disgruntled and disgusted by the idea. But the urge to smile was killed when the look Faye'd had on her face when she'd explained to everyone that Dare might very well die flashed through her head. It brought forth a frown, which Haley leveled on Dare. "Well, you need it. So tough shit. You're going to have to deal."
Those words had Dare flashing an annoyed look Haley's way. Then she planted her hands in the mattress and so very slowly levered herself up into a sitting position. It was slow going, the other woman's face a mask of determination as arms that physically shook struggled with such a normal and usually effortless task. When Haley held out one hand in silent offer, Dare's usual glare made a brief appearance and the other woman doubled the effort she was putting into sitting up on her own. An effort that seemed to take forever before she finally accomplished it. And an effort that left Dare sweaty and shaky, a grimace of disgust plain on her face. She even panted a little bit for breath. Haley cursed herself an idiot for not ignoring Dare's glare and helping her friend. It shouldn't have mattered that Dare obviously wouldn't have welcomed the attempt.
"You should have let me help you," Haley admonished. Dare said nothing, but the stubborn set of her jaw spoke volumes about Dare's feelings on that subject. Silence settled between them. Haley couldn't decide if it was a good silence or a bad silence. Dare used the time to look around the room. Her gaze went first to the bassinet that sat at the foot of her bed. And then it took in the rest of the room. The way she stared at everything made Haley wonder if she'd been too far out of it to really take note of things the other day.
"Can we at least get the ass chewing over before I lose consciousness again?" The sound of Dare's voice brought Haley out of her musings. There was an odd look in the woman's grey eyes. One that took Haley a while to recognize. She saw fear in Dare's stare and it surprised her because she hadn't seen the other woman so openly display that emotion in a long time. "Get that off the list so I can sleep better."
She considered it for a minute or two. Considered letting Dare know exactly what her stunt had done to Haley. What it had made her feel. But the urge to do so passed as quickly as it came. Chastising Dare wouldn't change what had been. And, in the long run, it wouldn't fix the problem. Honest communication would. Haley sighed, then drew a breath and let it out slowly while she got her thoughts together. "There is no ass chewing," she told Dare bluntly.
It was enough of a surprise that the other woman gave her a skeptical look. "Go on. Pull the other one."
Haley smiled faintly, but shook her head. And felt that same rush of fear that had come when Faye had told them what was going on. And again when Roxxy had given Haley more information. She lifted eyes that she was sure were brimming over with emotion. She knew they were brimming over with tears. "I'm sorry I wasn't enough to help you through this. I'm not enough for anything at this point, but I'm sorry you felt suicide was a better option than letting me help you."
Those words slapped Dare right in the face. She saw it in the way the other woman's expression went from disbelief to shock and then to something that looked like anger. The self-loathing, an expression Haley hated with a passion, came last. It made her friend look small. Weak. Helpless. And Dare was none of those things. Hadn't she survived so much? That took an inner strength that most people would never be able to claim. Haley considered taking back her statement, but Dare's expression changed yet again. And Haley couldn't read it.
"You shouldn't be apologizing to me." Dare's words came out slow and steady. Carefully. And the other woman was looking at her with a softness that made Haley want to cry. "I'm the one who's supposed to be apologizing. I'm the one who fucked up. None of this is your fault. Its all mine. Because I cut you out. You and everyone else. And I forgot that I'm not the only one stuck in this shit. You needed me as much as I needed you and I failed you in that. I guess I'm not as good at being a friend than I thought I was and I'm so sorry I left you to try and wade through this shit by yourself.
Haley frowned at her. Her words, when they came, were sharp and pointed. Tinged with her own anger. "I'm not going to argue with you about this. It's not your job to wade me through anything. I'm supposed to keep you guys from getting hurt and I didn't. And don't give me that bad friend shit. I know what draining everything out of you feels like, remember?"
Dare gave her a look that suggested she wanted to tell Haley to go fuck herself. But it was gone a moment later and Haley couldn't be sure she'd read the look right. In its place was a patient understanding she didn't think she'd ever seen on Dare's face before. She wasn't sure how she felt about it being there.
"You're supposed to lead the team and do what you can to make sure we all go home." Her friend's voice was low and steady. Almost gentle. It was disturbing when pitted against Dare's normal anger and aggression. Haley wasn't sure she liked this version of Dare. Not that she really liked the always angry version of her friend. But this one.. one who was calm and gentle and understanding, this one was a stranger. "That's all. It is not your job to blame yourself when we come up against someone who can kick our asses. And you need help just as much as the rest of us. Because I know what forced captivity and repeated forced sex does to a person. Or have you forgotten that I've been through this crap more than anyone else that was involved?"
Haley snorted. As if she could forget what her friend had been through over the years. "No I haven't forgotten. And I should have done more for you then, too."
This time, it was Dare that snorted. "You can't help someone who doesn't want help, Haley. Or doesn't know they need help. Quit blaming yourself for things you had no control over. We're both bad at that. We both need to work on it. I'm never going to hold it against you that you didn't pull my head out of my ass. Because, again, that isn't your job. Your job is to be there for me when I come to you for help. Which is something I need to work on. And my job is to be there for you when you need me. Because we're friends. And that is also something I need to work on."
“Fine." Haley's voice was flat and filled with irritation.
The look Dare gave her told her the other woman knew she wasn't really listening. Wasn't going to listen. Dare let go another snort and shook her head. "Christ, Haley. Summers does not look good on you. Stop acting like him."
Haley blinked at that. And then the frown came, a frown laden with anger and pain. "You should maybe watch what you say to me," she warned with a faint growl in her voice.
"Yeah, yeah. You'll punch me when I'm feeling better. Bring it on," Dare responded. She sounded like she wasn't very afraid of Haley.
"Have you always been this much of an asshole? Or is this new after your latest near-death experience?" Haley asked, voice low. She wasn't sure if she was glad to know that Dare hadn't changed that much or if she was annoyed that Dare hadn't changed that much. The other woman offered her a smirk.
"I've always been an asshole," she confirmed. The smirk died and Dare pinned her with a stare that held a wealth of knowledge in it. Haley didn't like it one bit. "And I'll tell you again. You need to stop acting like the world rests on your shoulders and only your shoulders. It is not your fault that the horsemen kicked our asses. And it isn't your fault that Sinister had them take us to him. Nothing that happened on that mission is your fault. Nothing that happened as a result of that mission is your fault. So quit kicking yourself. The martyr act doesn't suit you. I don't blame you for what happened. I'm sure none of the others do, either."
Haley frowned at her. Because she knew, on some level, that Dare wasn't wrong. That Haley wasn't really responsible for what had happened back in the desert. They had absolutely been outclassed by the horsemen and she knew that. But that wasn't how she saw things. She couldn't let herself think like that. Because she lived with the fear of losing someone close to her again. Of losing them and not being there to help. Or not doing enough to help. She was afraid of not being enough. "Dare..."
"Guilt does horrible things to a person, Haley. It twists your thinking and skews how you react to the worst events in your life," Dare said softly. She was staring at her hands, limp and trembling in her lap. Haley wasn't sure if the trembling was from the effort put into sitting up or for other reasons entirely. And Haley could hear regret in her voice. It made her wonder what memories were plaguing the other woman at that moment. "I'm going to forever blame myself for what happened in Paris. I should have stayed and protected you. And all the party-goers. I could have done it, you know, Torched Doom's feral dog and all the bots included. I could have taken them all down and not broken a sweat. But I was too slow. Too scared of what I might become. And, as a result, hundreds of people died. You almost died. And I will always blame myself for that."
"Dare, what happened in Paris isn't your fault," Haley assured her friend. This was the first time they'd really talked about it since it had happened. Haley had suspected Dare felt this way. But she hadn't been sure.
Her friend's head lifted so that she could pin Haley with an intent stare. "I know that, Haley. And so should you. None of what happened then or with Sinister or with any of our missions is your fault. You're only human and you will make mistakes. We'll all make mistakes. The best we can do is try and move on from them. Not let them rule our lives. Harper wasn't your fault." There was kindness in her words. But there was also a kind of fierce determination. One that was almost physically painful. "Stop trying to be Summers and shoulder the entire world."
"You're pushing your luck, Dare," Haley warned, throat tight with tears she refused to shed. Dare'd had no right to bring Harper into the conversation. How dare she take everything to the very heart of Haley's thoughts and fears and, well, her everything. "You don't have any clue what my feelings are where Harper is concerned." She couldn't keep the anger and pain out of her voice. "Don't think you can sit there and lecture me on how I should and shouldn't feel. You don't know anything!"
There was venom in the last of her words and she felt, had she not been holding Emilia, she might have actually punched Dare for going there. As it was, her arms shook ever so slightly with her anger.
"You're right. I don't." Dare's voice was empty and her face blank. Haley couldn't tell if she was mad or hurt or something else. Not that it mattered. She deserved whatever emotion or emotions Haley's words brought to life. "I never asked. Because I figured you wouldn't want to talk about it. Because you don't talk about anything that upsets you. You just bury it down deep and pretend like it didn't happen. Like it didn't touch you. Like you're not allowed to feel plain old emotions like the rest of us stupid humans."
"And you're so much better than I am!" Haley snapped. Dare gave her a cool look.
"Of course I'm not. I'm a walking disaster," Dare replied. She took a breath, then let it out in a quick, short sigh. Haley watched as Dare threw the covers back. "This is getting us nowhere. Pretend I never said a word." And then she was swinging her legs over the edge of the bed.
"Where are you going?" Haley demanded, already on her feet.
"Not that its really any of your business, but I have to pee. So I'm going to the bathroom," Dare told her. She was already putting her feet on the ground. Haley made her way around the bed, intent on... Well, she wasn't sure what she was intent on doing. Helping her or stopping her? She didn't honestly know. Not that what she intended to do mattered because, this time, Dare shot her a look that would have burnt Haley to ashes if the look had been made of flames. That look, the amount of anger and hate put into it, brought her up short. Just a little.
"You're not supposed to be out of bed without someone to help you," she reminded Dare. Her voice was Icon's voice, commanding and authoratative. Hank had been very explicit in his instructions. Until Dare had regained her strength, someone was supposed to be there to help her at all times. Her statement earned her another glare from the other woman.
"I do not need anyone's fucking help to go use the bathroom," Dare said, voice low. Was it Haley's imagination, or could she hear something other than anger in Dare's words?
"But you hardly had the strength to pull yourself into a sitting position," Haley protested. "How do you plan on getting to the bathroom when you don't have the strength to walk?"
"I'll fucking crawl!" Dare snapped. "I don't want your help and I don't need it! What I need is to pee and to do so in private!" The sting in her words made Haley feel like crying and she was reminded of another time when her team felt like it was falling apart. It had been so long ago, when they were still finding their footing as a new team. As friends. Dare and Morgan had had that argument in the rec room. One that could have potentially destroyed everything Haley had been trying to achieve. There'd been a conversation with Logan later where he'd asked her what had happened. There'd been no judgement from him as she'd recounted the events of their fight as she recalled them. And there'd been no judgement from him when he'd very calmly told her that Dare had been packing to run when he'd found her.
"That's right. Run away like you always do. Anytime you can't handle a problem, you run from it," Haley returned. Dare had managed to get to her feet. Her legs shook so much, though, that she was leaning against the wall as she slowly took each step.
"Fuck off, Haley," Dare snarled, not looking at her.
"Sorry, Dare. Can't do that. I have to keep an eye on your childish ass. You're still recovering from nearly fucking killing yourself," she returned. "You know. In case you'd forgotten."
She got no response to that. Dare continued on to the bathroom, her steps still slow and still shaky. There was a stiffness in her spine that Haley didn't think had been there before, a tightness to her shoulders that suggested she was holding on to her temper and her tongue by sheer force of will. She didn't need any gifts or powers to know she'd upset the other woman.
For a moment, Haley considered offering an apology. She'd let her emotions get the better of her and she knew that Dare was only trying to help. Maybe the other woman was going about it in the wrong way, but her intentions had come from a good place. But the way Dare held herself, the way she refused to look at Haley, said very plainly that she wouldn't welcome the apology. Things had just been so fucked up for the past couple of weeks and Haley wasn't sure she knew up from down anymore.
Frustration ate at her. It wasn't bad enough that her relationship with Johnny was on the brink of collapse. And it wasn't bad enough that her time spent in captivity with Scott put his personal relationship in jeopardy while making their working relationship that much more difficult. But now her relationships with her friends, with people she'd considered for a long, long time to be family, were in peril. She cursed Sinister and his meddling. She didn't know if he'd meant to create this much chaos and unhappiness. But she was losing the things she'd worked so hard for and it all went straight back to Sinister. She was going to kill the son-of-a-bitch when she got her hands on him.
The bathroom door shut with a soft click and drew her away from such thoughts. There would be time enough later to sink into the anger left behind by Sinister and his fucked up meddling. For now, she had to find a way to mend the frayed and tattered tapestry of her life. Her friends, her family were more important.
As if sensing the turmoil within her mother, Emilia whimpered softly. Haley turned her attention to her daughter and offered her a faint smile. "Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll figure things out. I promise," she whispered to the little girl. Her statement was met with another whimper, prompting Haley to rock back and forth in an effort to soothe her daughter.
It was some time later that the turning of the knob sounded. The room was silent, so the sound was loud and echoed gently. Haley looked up to find that Dare stood in the doorway, leaning heavily against the jamb. Once again, her limbs shook. The strain of forcing herself to exert energy she didn't have had left her pale and sweaty. And there was no missing the redness of her eyes. Guilt stabbed at Haley. She'd had no business going after Dare like that. Not when she was still recovering and only trying to help.
"Dare, I..." she began, but the other woman lifted a limp hand in order to cut her words off before she could speak them.
"Don't. Don't apologize," Dare said, voice hoarse. It made Haley wonder if instead of trying not to cry, she'd been crying silently while she'd been in the bathroom. After a ragged breath, Dare started toward the bed with painfully slow steps. Haley bit her lip, doing her best not to make things worse by saying the wrong thing or doing something unwelcome. It was hard to watch her friend struggle to do something as simple as walk a few feet across the floor.
Dare went slow, hand on the wall and each step measured. It felt like it took forever, but she finally made it to the bed. And she collapsed onto it face first while she attempted to get her breath back. It took time, but eventually she had herself settled against the pillows with her feet tucked under the blankets. By the time she was once more resting, Haley had taken her seat again.
Dare looked up at Haley and there was regret in her eyes. "I'm the one who needs to apologize. I'm sorry. I have no right to tell you how you should and shouldn't feel. And you're right. I've never asked you about Harper's death and what it did to you. I can't figure out my own shit. I shouldn't tell you how to figure out yours."
"Dare," Haley tried again.
"No. You were right. I was wrong. Just let it go. It isn't important." The finality in Dare's voice left Haley floundering. It felt like there was a rift between them. Again. And she wanted desperately to repair it. She just didn't know how. Maybe she was cursed to fuck up every good thing in her life. Maybe that was her real power.
Thoughts like that were plaguing her when a loud rumble pulled her from her head. She glanced up to find that Dare was staring straight ahead, a faint flush staining her cheeks. The rumble came again. Haley realized with a start that it was Dare's stomach. She took it as a good sign that the other woman seemed to be hungry. "Would you like me to get you something to eat?" she asked Dare.
The silence held for a while longer, making Haley wonder if Dare was going to answer. After several moments, Dare turned and looked at her. "Yes, please," she responded. Her gaze dropped toward her lap and one hand lifted to poke at her belly. "It sounds like I have an appetite, at any rate."
Haley couldn't stop the smile her words brought to life. "It does. Which I will take as a good sign. What do you want?"
"Anything not liquid." That statement implied that the other woman hadn't cared much for intravenous meals. Haley wanted to point out those liquid meals had been Dare's own fault, but their truce still felt tenuous. So she kept her tongue and rose from her seat. After a moment's hesitation, she leaned closer and transferred Emilia to Dare's arms. The other woman gave her a quick, startled look. Then she was staring intently at the baby in her arms and the rest of the world was temporarily forgotten.
One corner of the main room had been outfitted with a table and chairs, along with a coffee pot, a microwave, and a mini fridge. Haley dug into the fridge and came out with a bowl of jambalaya. It was all that was left of a pot Remy'd made just the day before. Haley thought it was fair and fitting that it go to Dare. There was plenty of meat in it and she needed the protein to gain her strength back. Plus the rice would fill an empty belly fairly quickly. After popping the lid, she stuck it into the microwave and set the timer. While the microwave did its thing, Haley collected a spoon, a glass of water, some crusty French bread, and a tray.
The bread got buttered and then laid out on a small plate. That plate, along with everything else, went onto the tray, which Haley arranged just so. When the microwave beeped, she carefully removed the bowl of jambalaya and added it to the tray. She made sure to stir the food so that the heat was distributed evenly. The last thing she added was a napkin.
With nothing else to keep her, she picked up the tray and carried it toward the smaller bedroom where Dare and her daughter awaited her.
"No wonder your mommy fell for your daddy," she heard Dare say, the other woman's voice soft and considering. Haley had left the door open when she'd left the room and while the bed was in view of the open door, Dare's attention was focused entirely on the baby she held. That gave Haley the opportunity to listen in without being detected. "If your daddy looked at me the way you are, little one, I'd lose my heart, too. Because, seriously. Your daddy is kind of hot. That strong chin. Those cheekbones. Eyes like yours. An ass that doesn't quit. And abs for miles. Don't think I haven't looked when he's suited up for a mission. I'd have to be blind to not see that. And dead, too. Yeah. Your daddy is pretty hot. So I guess its a good thing your daddy doesn't like me much. Isn't it?"
Emilia made a cooing sound that saw Dare smiling at her. One finger came up to tap lightly against Emilia's nose. The action brought forth an excited coo and the little girl's arms and legs went into overdrive. Haley couldn't hold back the smile that came. Because she found she couldn't do anything but smile when Emilia was being so cute. And because she thought Dare's declaration about Scott's eyes was as intriguing as the one about his ass had been.
She kind of wanted to call the other woman out on the assumption that Scott didn't like her. But she left that alone. Chances were good Dare wouldn't believe her anyway and she'd feed Haley some more of her bullshit about not being beautiful and not deserving to be loved and... Dare was like a broken record with that crap. And, in all honesty, Haley did not understand where it came from. She didn't know how Dare couldn't see how the men in her life looked at her.
Logan's stare was almost worshipful, as if he saw her as some ancient, wild goddess. Despite being considered one of the toughest Danger Room instructors in the school, he was at his softest when he was with Dare. She'd somehow turned the Wolverine into Logan. Just Logan. A man who loved the woman in his life, who looked at her like she was the rarest treasure on the planet.
And Remy... There was so much in his eyes when he looked at her. She remembered when Remy and Morgan had started dating. She'd seen those same things in his eyes then. She still did when he looked at Morgan. It didn't seem to matter that they had been together for more than a decade. Remy still worshipped the ground that Morgan walked on. He still loved her and he still wanted her in his life. Those feelings now extended to Dare in ways they hadn't before. There had always been a bond between the two of them. But that bond had changed and grown and morphed into something completely different. And that showed in Remy's eyes when he watched Dare.
Those thoughts sent Haley's brain into a spiral. Maybe her friend needed to know that Scott didn't hate her as she seemed to think he did. Maybe she needed to understand that Logan and Remy were not exceptions to the rule. They were the standard. "Please do not teach my daughter to swear. I do not want her first word to be a four letter one that starts with an F," Haley said brightly as she finally stepped into the room. Dare looked up, eyes wide in her face. And a hint of a blush stained her cheeks, letting Haley know Dare understood that Haley had overheard her talking to Emilia. "And you seriously underestimate yourself. Scott likes you far more than you seem to think he does."
Dare stared at Haley, eyes gone even wider at her statement. And there was the beginning of a blush staining the paleness of her cheeks.
"In fact, I'd be willing to hazard that there are plenty of people, men and women alike, who like you. Who find you attractive. Who might have been willing to take you on a date or two back in the day. But you're so convinced that you don't deserve that kind of attention and affection that you sabotage yourself," Haley told her. Dare's gaze shifted away, but there was no missing the way her cheeks got pinker. "A word of advice? The scowl scares people off before they have a chance to get to know the real you. Honestly, I'm amazed that you managed to land a man. Stunned that you managed to land two."
"Wow, Haley. Tell me how you really feel about me," Dare said softly. It didn't stop Haley from catching the hurt in her friend's voice.
"It is because I love you that I'm saying this to you, Dare. You deserve so much more than you have. And the reason you don't have it is because you are so goddamned good at sabotaging your wants and needs."
Dare glanced at her out of the corner of her eye, but she said nothing. Haley sighed and settled the tray on the mattress next to her before reaching out to take Emilia from her arms. The baby fussed for a second or two, then snuggled deeper into Haley's hold. She took the time to settle the little one in the bassinet sitting empty at the end of the bed. Once assured that Emilia had drifted off, she made a point of settling the tray across Dare's lap. "Eat. You said you were hungry and that's Remy's jambalaya."
The other woman said nothing, but she did reach for the spoon on the tray. Haley watched Dare carefully lift the spoon up to her mouth. Just as carefully, she fed the bite into her mouth. She chewed and swallowed slowly. Her caution was probably a mix of a shaky hand and the first solid food she’d had in days. After watching her friend take two more bites, each one chewed slowly and with relish, before she spoke again.
“I am not trying to be a bitch about this, Dare. I promise I’m not picking on you. I’m honestly concerned about the way you constantly put yourself down. You don’t think you’re attractive. You don’t think you deserve the things you have, even though --”
“Because I don’t,” Dare responded automatically, the belief that she was undeserving blatant in her voice.
Haley went on, ignoring the interruption. “Even though you don’t have to do anything to earn things. You have two men who are helplessly in love with you. Children that are so lucky to have you as their mother. Children that you love and that love you in return. You have friends and family that would bend over backward to do anything for you they could. These are nothing things you have to earn. These are things you are entitled to as a human being. Everyone deserves love and affection. Everyone deserves a family they can rely on. Everyone deserves friends. No one has to earn the right to access these things. And that includes you. So why do you think that you don’t deserve someone’s love? Why don’t you think you deserve happiness? What happened to you that this is how you think about yourself?”
Dare set the spoon down on the tray and stared straight ahead of her. Haley was sure she wasn’t really seeing anything. She was sure the other woman was looking inward, trying to find an answer to a question that should never have needed to be asked in the first place.
“I don’t know.” The answer was spoken in a soft voice, the words delivered almost absently. But the look in Dare’s eyes said she honestly did not know the answer to the question. And it looked like that frightened her just a little bit.
Haley reached out and put a hand on her arm. “I don’t think that’s all that unusual, Dare. You’ve been through so many traumatic events in your life. That has undoubtedly affected your memory.”
Dare didn’t respond to that. She kept staring off into the distance, her expression troubled. “But I should know why I feel that way. Shouldn’t I? I should know how that all started. Right? So why don’t I? Why don’t I know how I ended up thinking like that?”
There was the faintest hint of the young, frightened girl Dare must have been on the night a boy she liked took her to a motel and forced himself upon her. Of the frightened girl she had to have been when faced with her own death at the hands of a rival gang. Haley sighed softly and reached out a hand to lay on her arm. “I don’t know. Maybe you should. But we both know trauma does weird things to people. I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t remember how it all started because its tied to some deep trauma you suffered.”
Dare snorted at that, the little girl fading into the background with the harshness of the sound. “You just described my entire life, Haley,” she replied glibly. It was an exaggeration and they both knew it. But it broke the melancholy that had blanketed them for a moment. Dare picked up her spoon and fed herself another mouthful of jambalaya. “Where’s Petra?” she asked. It was an obvious change of subject and Haley decided to let her have it. She had no doubts that she’d managed to nudge Dare onto the path that would lead to answers about where her automatic denial of deserving came from.
“Remy took her with him when he left. He said something about making your favorite meal,” Haley responded.
“All he has to do to make my favorite meal is throw something in the deep fryer,” Dare said. She put her spoon down and picked up a slice of bread. Haley watched as she dipped it into the liquid before nibbling at it.
“He seems to enjoy cooking,” Haley remarked. The nights when Remy was on kitchen duty for the school were the most popular ones. And Haley had to admit that his food was always delicious and flavorful.
“He loves cooking,” Dare told her. Haley watched as a soft look settled on the woman’s face, the corners of her mouth pulling up in a faint smile. “Its almost like a religious thing for him. More than Catholicism. The man worships at the alter of food.”
Haley’s chuckle brought a questioning grey look her way. Haley didn’t hide her smile. “You’re absolutely gone over him. Lost in la la land. Head over heels.”
The observation saw the blush return to Dare’s cheeks. She shifted her attention back to the meal before her, her hand reaching for the glass of water on her tray. Dare sipped at it slowly, careful not to look Haley’s way. “I have been. For years.”
“Not like this.” Haley shook her head. She couldn’t remember ever seeing Dare like this where Remy was concerned.
“Yes. Like this. Always. From the very first,” Dare said. “I’ve been in love with him since long before I joined the team, Haley. I just never let it show. Because I knew there was no chance he would ever fall for someone like me.”
“There you go with that shit again, Dare. I really wish you’d stop,” Haley sighed.
“Its true, though. He was dating Rogue and he was head over heels for her. Everyone could tell. And I saw how people looked at me. I didn’t always scowl, Haley. I didn’t scowl when I first got here. And people still looked at me like I was some kind of freak. So I knew, way back then, that there was no hope for someone like me. And I kept my feelings to myself. They were mine. No one else’s. Not even Morgan’s. I sat on my feelings for him for more than a decade. Because I knew sharing them would only lead to heartbreak.”
Haley frowned at that. It almost sounded like Dare expected him to change his mind. Wasn’t it tiring to live with that kind of paranoia in your head? “But he took you out, Dare. You guys were a couple for a while.”
It was obvious her confusion reached Dare, because the other woman shook her head and let go a snort that said very plainly that Haley was being naïve. “He’d just broken up with Rogue, Haley. Normal people wouldn’t take another woman out and then sleep with them. Not almost immediately after their breakup,” Dare said quietly.
Haley frowned at that. Because that made it sound like… “Remy used you?” Her anger colored her words, bringing Dare’s stare her way.
“He did. And before you get all pissed off at him, you need to understand that I knew on some level that’s what was going on. I chose to go out with him anyway. Because I was stupid and hoped that he’d change his mind. But it was a lost cause before it even started because he was already interested in Morgan. I was a stopgap.”
“That wasn’t fair to you, Dare. He played with your emotions,” Haley pointed out.
“No. He didn’t. Because he made it clear in the beginning that he wasn’t looking for anything but companionship. So nothing that happened was his fault. It was mine because I dared to hope,” her friend told her.
“I don’t know what to say, honey. I never suspected…” Haley trailed off. Dare lifted a shoulder, as if it didn’t really matter what had happened. Yet another one of Dare’s habits that Haley didn’t like. Her ability to act like things the involved her, that affected her, weren’t a big deal. Haley was still staring in disbelief when Dare went back to her meal.
“Its good to see you have an appetite,” she said, deciding it was time to change the topic of conversation. She would never be comfortable with the way Dare so casually abused herself. And much as she wanted to say something, it was obvious Dare wouldn’t listen. She thought it was all normal. She’d love to know what had happened to make Dare believe she was so worthless. Who had done that to her?
“I was starting to feel like I was all liquid. I’m surprised I wasn’t sloshing when I moved,” Dare responded between bringing bites of her meal to her mouth. The comment saw Haley chuckling.
“If you did start sloshing, it would have been no less than what you deserved. You almost died, Dare. You scared everyone. You closed yourself off from everyone and nearly killed yourself. Petra could have died. You’d have left so much behind.”
Dare set her spoon down again and took a moment to stare at her hands. When she lifted her gaze to stare at Haley, there was regret in her eyes. "I know. I was stupid. I forgot that I have people who care about me. All I could see was what would happen when they came to take our girls."
Haley could well imagine. Hadn’t she been plagued with the same thoughts since Emilia’s birth? Still, she hadn’t gone to the extreme the way Dare had. "And you thought being alone when that happened would be a good idea?" she asked. She had to know what her friend had been thinking. If she’d been thinking.
Dare was silent a moment as she considered. Finally, she shook her head. "No. I thought maybe it wouldn't happen if Petra wasn't born. I thought... “ Her words faltered and she fell silent a moment. Swallowed and sighed and shook her head again. “I don't know what I thought, honestly. All I know for certain anymore is Remy made me care about her when I didn't want to and then we got back and I was still pregnant. I didn't want to lose my baby. I didn't want to lose what I had with Remy because Sinister took our child. I didn't want to lose anymore of myself than I already have. I was reckless and selfish and I still almost lost everything because of it."
Haley was a little surprised to hear that Remy had made Dare care about her pregnancy. She kind of wanted to ask about it, but there was a trembling fragility in Dare at the moment."Yeah. I can understand a lot of that. I keep thinking that sick bastard is getting off on all the chaos he caused and that's why he didn't keep us around but who knows."
“Ew. Probably. But ew. That combination of words does not go in a sentence anywhere near that piece of shit,” Dare said. She looked up at Haley with eyes that burned with hatred. “He’s going to die, Haley. I’m going to kill him.”
“I’m pretty sure you’re going to have help with that one, Dare,” Haley replied. “But that won’t happen any time soon. So I think our energy would be better spent on positive things. There’s no need to spoil the day by talking about killing people.”
Dare shot her a look, then spooned up the last of the jambalaya. The utensil came to rest in the empty bowl with a soft clatter. The faint hint of a grin took up residence on Dare’s face, speaking to mischief. The sight of that grin left Haley feeling terribly uncomfortable. “Positive things, huh? Hmmm.”
Haley could see what was coming from a mile a way and hurried to head Dare off at the pass. They were not going to talk about her personal life. She didn’t even have a personal life anymore. That meant there was only one thing for Haley to do. "So… You and Remy. He’s been fretting away over you the past few days. And every time he looks at you, its like he’s seeing the sun rise again after months of darkness. Tell me about that.”
Dare frowned at the topic. Heaved a heavy sigh of probably several things starting with ‘dis-’.And she glanced away, once more taking in the room around them. When she returned her attention to Haley, there was a softness in her gaze that Haley rarely saw there. She looked love-struck and absolutely embarrassed by the fact. So, apparently, Remy is in love with me. Like 'in love in love' with me. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with that."
The wonder and surprise in her voice was kind of shocking. Surely she had to realize that he had feelings for her. They’d been in some kind of relationship since Creed. “I don’t know why that’s a surprise to you. And it’s not like this throws a wrench into the works. You and Logan and Morgan and Remy have been a thing for ages.”
The statement saw Dare getting flustered. Her cheeks took on a pink hue once again. Haley considered teasing her more just to see if more color would rise to the surface. "Come on, Haley. This is me we're talking about. I'm surprised when anyone admits to caring about me. You know that."
“Okay,” Haley conceded. Dare had a point there. Sometimes, she was frustratingly innocent about relationship things. Never mind she’d been in one with Morgan since almost the moment she got to the school. “Fine. But he always cared about you. This is just… growth, right?”
"I mean, I guess. I just... I don't know what to do with it. You know? Dare shrugged a shoulder.
"My first piece of advice is to take it one day at a time,” Haley told her. “My second is communication. It seems like the four of you are going to have to talk some new stuff out but at least you've got that framework."
Dare stared at her a moment, then offered a smile that wasn’t anywhere near thankful. Or gentle. Or serene. Haley felt like she was looking at a shark’s smile, all toothy and ready to bite. “You should maybe take your own advice, Haley. Talk to Johnny. Talk to Scott. Talk to them together and figure out what everyone wants and expects.”
“You never give up do you?” Haley gave Dare the hairy eyeball. This was not what she wanted to talk about. This wasn’t something she wanted to even consider. Doing so would only lead to disappointment. But Dare seemed intent on taking everything back to Scott and Johnny and the mess her relationship was with both of them.
“Apparently not, because I’m still here,” Dare responded. Haley frowned at her, but there was stubbornness in Dare’s gaze, letting Haley know she wasn’t going to let the topic die. “Just talk to them, Haley. What can it hurt?”
Haley shook her head. “We’re not doing this. Just let it go, Dare. You have your own issues to deal with. Don’t involve yourself in mine.”
She watched as Dare considered her for a moment or two. Finally, the other woman offered up a brittle smile and pushed away the tray that still rested across her lap. “Fine. I’ll leave it alone. For now. But you need to understand that I want you to find the happiness you deserve. Which is basically what you said to me. You mean a lot to me, Haley. The things you’ve done for me over the years… I struggled with accepting them. Because I didn’t believe I deserved any of the kindness you showed me.”
Haley opened her mouth to refute that statement, but Dare held up a hand to keep her from speaking. “I know. You think I deserve everything I want and more. I’ve heard that from several people. Maybe you’re right and I’m wrong. Maybe its the other way around. I’ll have to figure that shit out some day. Today isn’t that day,” Dare halted and yawned. She was starting to look a little sleepy. The exertion of walking and then putting solid food in her stomach probably did her in. “But I want you to find the same happiness you insist I get to have. And that means I won’t let this go for long. It means I’m going to nag you until you find the strength to talk to both of them. It means I’m going to be a huge, huge asshole about it all.”
Haley laughed. She couldn’t help it. She should be angry that Dare wanted to pry into her personal life. And maybe she would be later. But for now, she found herself amused. And so she laughed. “You’re a menace. An asshole of epic proportion. I really do need to punch you.”
“Bring it on, Icon. I’ll toast your buns,” Dare shot back. The threat was diminished by the yawn that stretched her mouth wide. Haley stood and moved the tray, then helped Dare get settled in the bed for the next batch of healing sleep.
“You’ll try, you mean,” Haley responded with another laugh.
”Just wait,” Dare promised. Her eyes were already fluttering shut.
“Go to sleep, menace,” Haley said, her tone laden with the fondness she felt for her friend. Dare mumbled something that Haley didn’t quite catch, then she was asleep and, for a moment, all seemed right with the world.
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Calm Dare is a little unsettling but clearly she knows how to push the right (wrong?) buttons. Haley has a very valid point that she doesn't really know what Haley feels about Harper's death. Nobody's ever really brought it up in a way that would actually get her talking about it so poking at that is probably not wise.
I don't think there's anything anybody could say to her to get her to stop feeling responsible for her team though. That's not something she's going to let go of. It may not be her fault but she's still responsible for them.
Figures the fridge is full of stuff Remy's cooking. I'm sure he's trying to use it as a stress release and who is going to tell him no? LOL
It's good to see some of the emotions coming out even though they're raw and still hurt in both of them. Some of this has to come out somewhere and neither of them really have another space to let it out at this point.
Hopefully they can stop poking at the sore spots and move forward but I'm sure it's going to be a bumpy road no matter what.
Great job hun!
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I can't decide if their talk was a good one, or not. lol They both said a lot of things that needed to be said (and heard), but they are both obviously still feeling pretty raw from the whole ordeal and keep poking at each other a bit too hard. Still, at least they're talking. And listening. For the most part.
And I see that there's another new chapter posted. Nice! Hopefully I can get to it soonish.
Well done, bb! *smooches*
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